


A brimful of drabble

by m_findlow



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2018-07-27 02:28:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 630
Words: 73,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7599949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_findlow/pseuds/m_findlow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles, mainly for the TW100 prompt series on LiveJournal</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hypernog

It was always a mistake letting Rhys' parents take charge of Christmas dinner.

Even more so when Gwen had to explain why Ianto was standing at her doorstep on Christmas day right when Rhys' father was about to start carving the turkey.

And even more so when Ianto was standing there with Jack leaning on him and giggling stupidly.

'Jack offered to make the egg nog again this year didn't he?'

'If you mean, did he make it with hypervodka, then yes.'

'Put him on the couch then,' Gwen sighed.

'Next year I'm taking him to my sister's. End of.'


	2. A bit dusty

'God, I wish I could put that on Facebook.'

'You mean you actually got footage of it?' Jack asked.

'Oh, yeah,' Gwen smiled.

'What did we miss?' Tosh asked, noticing Owen covered in strange white dust. 'Report was that Ysgol Cwmbran had ghosts.'

'No such thing as ghosts,' retorted Ianto.

'Tell that to the flying blackboard dusters that chased Owen around the place for twenty minutes slapping him. Simple case of Osveronian mites. Had to use a dustbin to catch them mid flight.'

'I'm off for a shower,' grumbled Owen.

'Gives a whole new meaning to wiping the slate clean.'


	3. No more

Alex was a good man. Hell, Alex had been a great man.

And now the metallic tang of his blood filled Jack’s nostrils.

In the background, the cheering sounds of crowds in London ringing in the New Year felt hollow and empty.   
What was there left to cheer about?

Everyone at Torchwood was dead. Everyone except him, doomed to remain here until everyone was dead.

He inhaled deeply and stood up, reviled by the death around him.

No more. No more deaths, he decided. It was his job now to protect them from more death.

A new start for Torchwood.


	4. Regrets

Initially she’d though ‘Can I do this? I mean, really, really do this?

It was only enough for a few hours, just long enough to come clean with Rhys and admit the affair. After that it wouldn’t matter that he didn’t remember, she’d know it was okay and they could start over and go back to how things were before.

Before she could reconsider she’d pocketed the retcon and rushed out the door.

He’d lost it at her, but there wasn’t time for forgiveness.

Now that he was asleep all she could think was, 'oh god, what have I done?'


	5. A time to repent

Tears streaked down his face as he looked at the tiny pill sitting in his hand.

All he had to do was swallow it and he could start over.

They wouldn’t even miss him. He’d been invisible up until they’d discovered Lisa.

If anything, Jack was probably coming around to retcon him anyway. At least this way he got to do it on his own terms.

As he sat there he though back over the past 6 months of lies. Should be punished for what he did?

Maybe retcon wasn’t the answer.

Maybe he needed to atone for his sins.


	6. Play time

Jack flew out the door, kite in hand, streaking a trail of colour behind him.

‘Have you finished your homework?’

‘No.’

‘Well, you’re not going out and playing with Gray until it’s done.’

‘But Mum!’

‘No excuses, son. Go.’

Jack returned ten minutes later and presented her with the slate board.

She looked at the scribbled formulas appraisingly and then scrubbed it blank with her sleeve.

‘If you’re not going to do it properly, don’t bother. Good heavens, what would your father say?’

Jack begrudgingly took the slate back and trudged off.

He’ll be trouble when he’s older, she thought.


	7. Start again

He snuck quietly into the flat.

It wasn’t hard. There was nothing for him to trip over, no furniture, knick-knacks, no indications a living soul occupied it at all.

He opened the fridge, retcon in hand. All he found was a single, sealed water bottle. Cupboards were empty.

Had he left? Was he too late? Surely no one could live like this? Certainly not the man he’d worked with.   
In the bedroom a lone figure huddled on the floor.

Lisa was dead. He couldn’t take away memories from a man who had nothing else.

‘Ianto, tomorrow we start clean slate.’


	8. Sick days

Owen didn't do sick days.  

He did sleep in days,  hungover days,  there's a woman still in my bed days and just can't be bothered going to work days,  none of which were genuinely good reasons to call in sick,  but he didn't actually get sick. 

Years of medical training had him on autopilot for preventing infectious germs,  and exposure to aliens at Torchwood had immunised him against most else.  

Looking at himself in the mirror now though, and seeing the green and blue splotches that covered his entire body,  he admitted that this definitely qualified for a sick day.


	9. Call out

Ianto was sicker than Jack had ever seen him.  

The bedsheets were soaked damp with sweat, and his skin was red hot, yet he shivered with frightening cold.   
Jack had suggested Owen come and check him over but the young man had protested that he would be fine  in the morning and just needed to sleep it off.  

That had been several hours ago.  

Now Jack couldn't get anything coherent out of him.  

Pressing a wet cloth to his forehead with one hand and fumbling with his phone in the other,  he knew  he had to get Owen here now.


	10. Medical assistance

‘No, no, no, no, no. There was no way this was happening today. Today!’ she thought, ‘of all the bloody days!’

Okay, so she’d gotten very pissed last night, but there was no way a hangover would cause hallucinations. What she saw in the mirror was very, very real.

‘Right,’ she told herself, ‘don’t panic, Gwen. Call Jack. Or call Owen? No, call Jack.’

‘Gwen!’ He answered brightly, ‘not having seconds thoughts are you?’

‘Save it Jack Harkness and get over here right now! And bring Owen with you.’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘It would seem I’m pregnant. On my wedding day!’


	11. Check up

Tosh hated the routine medical examinations Owen subjected them to every month.  

None of them particularly enjoyed them, but for some reason Tosh felt like a duck out of water sitting in the autopsy bay being poked and prodded.

Internal exams were okay, all she had to do was put her hand on the glass plate and let alien tech do the rest.  She'd even quipped to Owen that it almost made him redundant.

'Just relax Tosh,'  Owen said, 'I know what I'm doing'  

How could she relax when Owen's touch had her heart going a million miles an hour?


	12. Unusual melody

The SUV approached in the dark and the rain.

It was surprising to find a woman caught in the headlights bending over something.

'Oh goodie,' moaned Owen, 'spectators.'

As they approached the woman stood up turning to face them. They were stuck by her elegant face and thick curled hair.

'Sorry darlings,  nothing to worry about. A bit tricky, but quick trip through the rift sorted him out. We won't hold you up.'

Jack stepped forward and extended his hand.

'Captain Jack Harkness,  and who are you?' not bothering to disguise his leering.

'Hello sweetie,  Doctor Song at you service.'


	13. Staying mysterious

Jack smiled as he drew a cross in the box, adding to the series of other crosses.   
Ianto, who'd entered with his coffee raised an eyebrow curiously.   
'What are you doing?'  
'Nothing,' Jack said innocently.  
'An immortal man who can't even be bothered figuring out his birthday yet has started marking off time for no particular reason?'  
'I like to stay mysterious. It's one of the many things you find endearing about me.'  
'Okay. Keep your secrets then.' he said as he exited.   
Jack smiled again and went back to his calendar.   
Ianto's anniversary surprise was going to be amazing.


	14. Reminders

A year ago today. How could it have felt so long? 

His vortex manipulator still didn't work so even hopping across the universe, an earth year still passed in much the same way no matter where he ended up. 

And it still hurt to remember those he'd left behind. 

Even sitting here now on the chilly shores on this unknown world he couldn't help but see all of the ways it reminded him of home. Yes, he'd still think of it as home. 

But he couldn't return, even if he wanted to. The pain was far too much to bear.


	15. Another year

Ianto entered Jack's office with fresh coffee, the newspaper and a muffin. 

'Oh, what's the occasion?' 

'Nothing particularly. Just that this marks a year for me at Torchwood Three. Didn't think I'd make it out of Torchwood One the day the Cybermen came, but here we are.' 

'Mmm,' Jack agreed distractedly as Ianto left him to it. 

Glancing out the window he saw his team working and talking and laughing over coffee. 

Safe and whole. They'd made it. All of them. Despite everything Torchwood threw at them. 

'Pray to the gods they all survive to see another year,' thought Jack.


	16. Sacrifices

It wasn't the anniversary he'd had planned. 

He was going to stop by the grocers in town and pick out the most beautiful bunch of flowers he could find, and surprise her on the doorstep of her parents house. 

Instead Germans had declared war on Poland, and Churchill had demanded men to fight for the Empire. 

He would have to go and leave her behind, his beloved Estelle. He'd leave behind Torchwood as well, but that wouldn't worry him. 

He'd gladly throw his life away in the trenches rather than make some of the sacrifices that Torchwood required of him.


	17. Important dates

Ianto sighed happily as he snuggled closer to Jack. 

He couldn't remember a time anymore when they didn't spend every other moment together. 

How long had it been? Did they have an anniversary? What would it be? At what point did he start counting? Their first kiss, their first shag, their first proper date, the first time he hadn't used it as an excuse to deceive Jack because he was hiding Lisa, the first time he realised he was in love? 

In the end he decided it was unimportant. 

All that mattered was that they had each other right now.


	18. Best laid plans

Rhys had everything planned for their anniversary. Dinner reservations for eight, bags already packed and in the boot for the hotel room he'd booked, and a bunch of bright flowers that he'd just picked up during lunch. 

Then he got the call. Gwen would be working late tonight. Very late. 

Sighing resignedly, he took the bouquet and placed it on Ruth's desk in front of her. 

'Oh, Rhys love, it's not my birthday!'

'That's okay,' he said. 

As he walked back to his office he heard her whispering loudly to large Mandy. 

'Not very good at remembering dates, is he?'


	19. Anticipation

Tosh tried to contain her excitement as she settled into bed. 

Tomorrow they'd be waking up Tommy after another whole year of being frozen. 

Jack had even granted permission in advance so that she could take him out sightseeing . It was the least they could do considering what Torchwood put him through. 

As she lay there she wondered if he'd be different tomorrow, then dismissed the idea as silly. After all, for him it was just like waking up tomorrow. 

He'd be just as handsome and charming as always. 

Tomorrow, she thought excitedly, she couldn't wait to wake up.


	20. Pirate for a day

Owen was accustomed to weird, but this was a horse of a different colour.

‘Ahoy!’ Gwen and Tosh greeted him.

‘Um, yeah,’ he slowly answered, looking to escape quietly. ‘Ah, there’s Ianto,’ he thought, ‘a little piece of normal’.

‘Couldn’t get us a coffee mate?’

‘I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request.’

‘Say what?’

‘That means no.’

Huffing, he walked to Jack’s office.

‘Harkness! What the hell-‘ he stopped dead. Jack was parading round his office dressed like a pirate.

‘Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please sir!’

‘I don't see your ship, Captain.’

‘I'm in the market, as it were.’


	21. Let's be honest

'You've done a great job on that spatial projector Tosh,' Gwen commented.

'Ianto,  you're looking so handsome today that I'm almost a bit jealous that Jack gets to keep you,' Tosh remarked.

'Jack,  could you be any sexier if you tried?' sighed Ianto.

'Gwen,  you're one of the best field operatives I've ever had.,' Jack mused.

Owen had watched them all day profusely complimenting one another to the point where it was getting sickening.

'How come no one has said anything nice to me all day?'

'International honesty day, Owen.  We thought it would be safer not to say anything.'


	22. The truth hurts

International honesty day had descended into utter chaos.

Tosh was in tears after Owen had described her love life as pathetic, even by her standards.

Gwen  lashed out at Owen calling him a heartless bastard, plus a few things in Welsh that would not have been polite.

Jack and Ianto could still be heard yelling from Jack's office, continuing their colossal row that no one was quite sure how it had started. Something about a measuring tape was all any of them had heard before Ianto had lost his block at Jack.

Honesty, it seemed, was not the best policy.


	23. Pink chiffon

Tosh came in and found it on her desk.  
   
One of those fancy little bags with ribbon handles that came from the posh kind of store not found on the high street.  
   
She pulled the contents from the bag. A delicate glass bottle, elegantly shaped like finely cut crystal, an atomizer pump at the top, and filled with a soft peach coloured liquid.  
   
She gently sprayed the contents against her neck and breathed in the tantalizing fragrance of “Pink Chiffon”.  
   
A voice whispered in her ear.

‘Happy birthday, Tosh.’  
   
‘Thanks Jack. How did you know?’  
   
‘I didn’t. But Ianto did.’


	24. Silkworm

The little bugs had been quite a hit.

Like extraterrestrial silk worms they managed to produce an enormous quantity of chiffon-like fabric for their size.

Owen had been feeding them but a few escaped during the day, though it was hard to tell at the rate they multiplied.

When Ianto arrived at the hub the next morning the first thing he heard was Jack yelling.

Rushing to Jack’s bunker he discovered Jack tied up in yards of fabric, and unable to move from his bed.

‘Right where I want you at last.’

‘Not funny. Now get me out of here!’


	25. Taken prisoner

Jack hadn't just asked to help Ianto babysit David and Mica,  he had excitedly begun planning a whole night of games.

That had been then.

Now, tied to a chair in the kitchen and blindfolded, he wasn't so sure. He'd been there for nearly an hour now and it didn't look like anyone was coming to his aid.

He yelled out loudly.

'Hush!' Ianto replied, 'I've only just gotten them settled into bed.'

A heavy weight settled into his lap, warm arms wrapping around his neck, followed by warm lips.

'Hmm,' he thought, 'maybe this wasn't so bad after all.'


	26. Missing pets

Myfanwy being a little late for breakfast was not unusual.

But hours later when she still hadn't turned up, Ianto began to worry.

Had she been caught? Had she been hurt?  

He began searching satellite footage, but when everything turned up empty he became positively frantic.

Seeing Ianto's fragile state Jack intervened.

His vortex manipulator traced her unmoving to an isolated spot on the coast.

They headed straight down there.

When they found her she was completely tangled  in large,  heavy fisherman's netting,  and covered in last night's catch.  

'Thought you'd have yourself a midnight snack did you?'  Ianto chastised.


	27. Are you my mummy?

This wasn't one of their better days at Torchwood, Gwen thought as she and Ianto were being wrapped from head to toe in filthy bandages by mummified corpses that had come back to life.

The room was filled with their filthy stench.

And where the hell was Jack?

'They can't be real,'  Ianto repeated.

'Neither were the zombies,  but here we are!' Gwen exclaimed.

'Zombies aren't real.' Ianto insisted.

'Oh, would you shut up about the bloody zombies!'

'At least they decided to skip the whole removal and embalming of organs part.' Ianto replied placidly.

'I'm so pleased,'  muttered Gwen.


	28. What could be weirder?

Jack just looked at Ianto with a curious expression.

People stood in a field stabbing pitchforks into the ground and shaking them, or belting the ground with shoes, watching as earthworms wriggled up from the ground, and promptly picked up and placed into buckets

'This is just weird,' he declared.

'It's the annual worm charming contest. It's British tradition.'

'It's still weird.'

'Weirder than aliens that lay eggs in you?'

'Yes.'

'Weirder than matchboxes that send you to hell,  weirder than space whales?'

'Yeah.'

'Weirder than weevils doing the can-can?'

'Ye-, wait no, that's weirder.'

Ianto just rolled his eyes.


	29. This old place

Rhiannon hadn't known why he'd called her or where they were going until he pulled up out the front of the house.

'Why did you bring me here?'

Ianto stared at the house without meeting her eye.

'They're tearing it down at the end of the month. The foundations are infested with wood worm.'

'End of an era,' she replied. 'Do you remember when dad let us help paint the fence?'

'You wanted pink and I wanted green.'

The fence was badly weathered now, the last hints of buttercup paint barely holding it together.

'I like that colour.'

'Me too.'


	30. Memories (sequel to This Old Place)

The front garden was overgrown and neglected,  the begonias their mother had tended so carefully, long gone.

Inside the house creaked in all the same places,  but now knowing what was underfoot and causing much of the creaking, made the place feel sad, as if the worms were eating the very memories out of the house.

It looked the same and yet different,  the memories in every room both alive and long forgotten.

Both siblings relived the turbulent mix of emotions that marked their last days living here. Rhiannon clasped his hand.

'It feels like they're here.'

'Maybe they know.'


	31. Under attack

He didn't know where they'd come from.

All of a sudden Jack felt himself paralysed on the floor, unable to move.  

And then they came.  

Worm-like creatures crawled over his body biting with sharp teeth. He yelped in pain  and more appeared. Creatures now covering his body and causing excruciating pain , as if they were eating him alive.  

He screamed out, desperate for someone to hear his cries.

Jack, Jack! He heard his name and felt his body being shaken. Ianto was gripping him tightly.

'Jack,  you were having a nightmare.'

Jack groaned. 'No more cheese pizza before bed.'


	32. Doctor's diagnosis

'She's got worms mate,' Owen declared.

The look he received turned from one of worry and concern, to one of outrage and disbelief.

'What?'

Owen cringed.  

The indignation contained in that one word. It was like a parent being told  they'd neglected their child and that they would be hauled off to Nuremberg to answer for their crimes.

'Perfectly normal, most animals get them, even us. Bound to happen, really,' Owen assured him.

'I'll start her on a standard course of anti-worming drugs.'

The look changed to one of relief and understanding.

'It's okay girl,' Ianto cooed, rubbing Myfanwy's beak.


	33. Opportunity

He stared at the forlorn woman huddled on the ground on the plass.  In his mouth he could feel the acrid metallic tang of blood.

Suzie's blood.

He went over to the young woman and placed a hand on her shoulder.  

He half expected her to recoil from his touch.  

It was a reaction he'd come to expect over the years.  

Most people didn't take his immortality too well, but she didn't even flinch.  His other half wasn't surprised. He'd sensed in his guts she was capable of much more.  

A team member down, what did he have to lose?  


	34. Lost opportunity

'He worked in Debenhams!'  

Ice ran through her veins at the admission, and her brain protested against it.  

No she was wrong. Ianto wouldn't lie.

'He talks about you all the time. You and the kids.' 

Another lie.

When she'd first started at Torchwood.

More lies.

How was this possible? After all the years they'd worked together. All of the crazy, dangerous, brilliant stuff they'd done.  

She'd been strong for Jack, to bear this news to Ianto's sister, but now she felt overwhelmed.  

Grieving the man she'd known,  but grieving even more for the man she'd truly never really known.


	35. Unity

Slightly affronted and a little confused.

That was how she felt when Ianto had cut in on her dance.  

This was her special day and yet the moment seemed to have been temporarily stolen by the two men slow dancing in the middle of the room.

As she walked up to Rhys and felt his arm embrace her the warm feeling of his love filled her from head to toe.  

When she looked back across the room she saw the same feeling of love emanating from the dancing couple,  and knew in that moment that she was where she belonged.


	36. Christmas wishes

It was the best Christmas Eve ever.

Jack had treated the team out for dinner and drinks. A lot of drinks.

It was ridiculously late and they were all beyond driving. Rhys had picked up Gwen, and Jack had walked home.

Now standing out in the wintery cold in front of the Millennium Centre, Tosh and Owen waited for a cab.

As Tosh dug her hands in her pockets for warmth she found the piece of mistletoe she’d stashed there.

Pulling it out she grinned at Owen.

‘Oh, alright, seeing’s as its Christmas.’

He kissed her full on the mouth.


	37. Maybe not a rose by any other name

Rhys was putting the finishing touches on dinner when Gwen arrived.

'Hey you,' he said leaning over the counter to give her a kiss.

'Phaw! What is that smell?' he exclaimed recoiling.  

'Roast weevil,' she replied sheepishly.

'Right, well you're not coming near me til you've showered.'

'Oh Rhys, I've showered four times already! It won't come out,' she cried.

He met her apologetic gaze.  

'Here,' he said grabbing some lemons from the fruit bowl, 'Take these and have a bath with some salts.'

She smiled appreciatively, leaning across to kiss him.

'Ah! You can thank me after the bath.'


	38. Incompatible

Jack was in a great mood.

Stepping out of the shower the tune popped into his head and he began singing.  

Overhead he could hear footsteps in his office.  

Ianto.  

Feeling rather euphoric, he set aside getting dressed to go and claim his lover, ascending the ladder.

'You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world. Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with, I just need your extra time and your-'

Only it wasn't Ianto.

'I don't know why I put up with you sometimes Harkness,' Owen sighed.


	39. Deeper meaning

He hadn't meant to say anything, but he was tired of being invisible.  

Invisible had been what had gotten him into this mess, and now they'd dragged him out here with them.

'Guess it's my turn then is it? It was Lisa.'

He'd lashed out at Gwen, but his feelings had been directed at Jack.

Jack's icy glare made him regret it almost immediately.  

It wasn't about the kiss, it was about the betrayal.  

He'd started something with Jack that wasn't meant to mean anything.

The hurt had been unintentional but deeper feelings now wrestled inside his mind.  

Love perhaps?


	40. The pen is mightier

Normally, neither of them would dare tempt fate in this way.

But this was Torchwood, and tomorrow was April Fool's day, and that meant all bets were off.

It had taken them all night, but they'd managed it.

When Ianto arrived the next morning to finish up some reports, every pen he wrote with turned out red.

There wasn't a blue or black pen anywhere.

Even more infuriating was that they hadn't just been replaced, some ingenious person had kept all of the original pen casings but simply replaced the ink.

Jack and Owen were going to pay for this.


	41. Seeing red

Jack grinned as he pulled the item out of the box.

'Oh, Martha Jones, I owe you one,' he said, handing the UNIT cap to Ianto.

'And what would you like me to do with this, sir?'

'Anything you like.'

'Well, I was considering a transfer.'

'What? You're kidding, right?'

'No, I mean it'll be better hours, more career opportunities, and, well, red is my colour.'

'You'd leave Torchwood, and me, for that?' He raged, his face turning its own very impressive shade of red.

Ianto burst out laughing and pulled him into a kiss.  

'You really are gullible sometimes.'


	42. Finder's keepers

'Have you tried under the sofa yet?'

'Yep.'

'Armoury?'

'Double checked. Nada.'

'What about the cupboards in autopsy?'

'Oooh, wait! No, that's a negative too.'

Gwen was confused.

'What is Jack looking for?'

'His suspenders.'

'Hey, not just any suspenders, my favourite red pair.'

'Well, maybe if you spent less time cheating at naked hide and seek, you'd have more time to remember where you hid your clothes!'

'Let's be honest here, once I find you hiding naked under the boardroom table, there's not much need for clothing from that point onwards.'

'Sometimes I wish I'd never asked,' sighed Gwen.


	43. Twinkle twinkle

Jack and Ianto lay on a secluded beach staring up at the night sky.

'I read somewhere that stars twinkling blue are hotter than starts twinkling red.'

'Yep. Red Giants. As they burn up the last of their fuel they expand before collapsing in on themselves and dying.'

'It's sad to think of a star as dying.'

'It'll happen to this sun one day.  Millions of years from now.  It'll get so big it'll engulf all the nearby planets including earth. They'll die along with it.'

'What will happen to us?'

'Out there colonising the universe.'

'It's still sad.'

'Yeah.'


	44. Too much of a good thing

Ianto had treated the team to red velvet cupcakes yesterday.

Now Jack seemed determined to outdo him.

Gwen had three on her desk, Owen had scoffed four he'd found in autopsy,  and Ianto found two on his coffee machine.

As the day progressed however he kept finding them in more and more unusual places.  

When he discovered two in the SUV's glove compartment he finally went and confronted Jack.

His office was full of cupcakes.

'You remember that replicator device we found a few weeks ago? I think it's broken. I only wanted a couple extra, now they're everywhere! '  


	45. Sweet silence

Chomp.

Ianto looked out the window. The street was quiet and the sky overcast.

Chomp.

Three hours sitting in the SUV and still nothing. It seemed their intel was not as good as they'd thought.

Chomp.

His infinite patience was wearing thin.

Chomp.

He exhaled loudly, then took a deep breath and held it. One, two, three-

Chomp.

'Jack!'

'What?'

'Would you please stop?'

'Huh?'

Ianto reached across and snatched the box of Jaffas from his hand.

'Hey! I was eating those!'

'I know. I could hear you,' he replied, stuffing them in the glove compartment.

'Fun police,' Jack moaned.


	46. Red and blue

He was glad she was helping him out, even if he couldn't figure out why such a sweet young thing would spend her weekend spring cleaning for an old man. His hands just weren't what they used to be.

'Okay Mr Jones, that's the books sorted now what about the wardrobe?'

As she began pulling out old clothes, he spied the shirt in her hand.

'Lovely colour. Bet you looked dashing in that one back in your hey day.'

The voice had faded, but the memory of the blue eyes that watched him in that shirt were vivid as ever.


	47. Essentials

It was a quiet morning so Ianto had hit the shops to stock up on essentials.

The skies were clear and the sun bright as he wandered down the street, stopping as the window display caught his eye.

Clothes never lasted long working for Torchwood so he soon had a half dozen shirts in blues, greys and whites.

His hands brushed over the rack and paused on the deep scarlet fabric.

Before he could do anything a voice whispered in his ear.

'I like that one.'

He smiled.

'What are you doing here?'

'Making sure we stock up on essentials.'


	48. The great escape - Part one

The bathroom door thudded from the impact,  jolting Jack and Ianto forward before they slammed their weight back against it.

'Tosh's predictor program definitely needs more work! '

'You think?'

The door jolted again. It was amazing the the wooden frame was still holding up at all.

'This wasn't quite what I had in mind when you said we're going to pick up an overfed moggy and find it a good home. We don't even have any weapons!'

'The alert said the signature was feline.'


	49. The great escape - Part two

'However, it neglected to mention the part about it being four hunded pounds and sabre toothed.'

The creature pounded again.  

The door wasn't going to hold much longer.  

Jack surveyed the room.  They were under siege.

'There's nothing for it, you're going to have  squeeze through the bathroom window and get help.'

'You must be joking, have you seen how small it is. Then there's the fourteen foot drop to the ground. Besides all of which, as soon as I move from the door, you're not going to be able to stop it. It'll tear you to shreds.'

'Better me than both of us, unless you think hiding behind the shower curtain will fool it.'


	50. The great escape - Part three

It wasn't agile and it wasn't elegant, but somehow Ianto clambered through the tiny opening,  trying to focus on not breaking his neck rather than Jack's attempt to hold the door on his own.

Once he was clear, Jack desperately grabbed a can of deodorant from the counter.

As the tiger broke through the door, lunging at him, he sprayed in its face.

His attempts were in vain though as the razor sharp claws and teeth made short work of his neck.

Before it could start tucking into its meal, its own head exploded in a spray of blood.

'Bad kitty!'


	51. Baiting the enemy

'Achoo!'

Jack sneezed again and Ianto passed him a fresh handkerchief.  His last one was completely beyond further use.

'I hate to say it, but Pusska has gotta go.'

'I've tried brushing her hair off your coat, but she's intent sleeping on it if you keep leaving it lying around.'

'How was I to know I'm allergic to cats? We never had pets on Boeshane.'

'Well, we can try to get rid of her but good luck finding her first. She's become quite adept at hiding around the hub. Maybe we can leave your coat as bait?'

'Works for you.'


	52. Undercover cute

Tosh almost walked straight past it.  

A small gray kitten huddled in the corner of the tourist office. Poor thing must have tried to escape the cold.  

She picked it up and began stroking it. It purred in response.  

Kitten in arm, she greeted Ianto at her desk.   

'New pet?'

'Found him upstairs. Isn't he cute?'

'Aha!' said Jack, grabbing it by the scruff of its neck. It struggled with panic.

'What are you doing?'

'Didn't think you could hide forever did you? Sneaky little shape-shifter. Been trying to get into the hub for months. My vortex manipulator alerted me.'


	53. Too much of a good thing

Jack and Ianto arranged to take David and Mica to the fun park for the day.

Jack hadn't been to a fun fair in years.

The laughed raucously in the hall of mirrors and terrified each other on the ghost train.  

Jack and David bumped each other mercilessly in the dogem cars.  

Hot dogs and candy floss.

Mica's shrieks of joy on the carousel and Ianto's prizewinning marksmanship in the shooting gallery.  

Pixie sticks and milkshakes. Roller-coasters.   

The kids were having a blast.  

Jack was having a blast.  

Ianto was vomiting into a bin.  

'Too much junk food,' he moaned.


	54. Top heavy

Jack was lying of top of Ianto in bed.

Ianto wriggled slightly.

'You know, it must be at least two months since you last died.'

'Really? I can't say I keep track anymore.'

'Not that I'm complaining.'

'Must be because I have someone worth making the effort for,' Jack replied, going in for another kiss.

'Well, since you're in the mood, perhaps you could make an effort to shift those extra pounds you've gained in the meantime? I don't think we should rely on you dying at regular intervals in order to curb the consequences of your junk food diet.'


	55. Giving up

Rhys was going to make a huge sacrifice, but he was going to do it for Gwen.

It wasn't going to be easy

So no more pasties, no more danishes. No more saying yes when Ruth proffered the packet of custard creams.

No more sugar. No more carbs.  

He was going to be trim and terrific for his wedding day, and it all started today.

'Rhys! I've brought you a cuppa!' cried Ruth. 'And I've saved you the last custard cream. I told the drivers they can bugger off and live with digestives.'

'Thanks.'

Well, maybe he could start tomorrow.


	56. The horrors of excess

Gwen had been in the SUV for hours bearing witness to the horrific spectacle.

It was clearly not human.  

In the back of the car was an endless feeding frenzy. Four pasties, two donuts, cream cake and two coffees.  

A garbage disposal on legs.  

Gwen struggled to hide the disgusted look on her face, and even Jack was beginning to look a bit sickened.

She received a tap on the shoulder.

'Couldn't grab us a couple of bacon butties from that place round the corner could you? Bored out of my head on this stupid surveillance.'

'Sure Owen, anything else?'


	57. Making provision

Sweets wrappers. Chip packet. Pizza box. Chocolate bar. Biscuit crumbs.

It wasn't the nature of it, just the sheet volume of it.

How they ever found anything they actually needed was quite beyond comprehension.  

It wasn't hard to figure out how he could be useful to them when he'd first started there, but two years on and he was still amazed by it.

He'd put a separate line item in their annual budget just for bin liners and cleaning supplies. Jack initially thought he'd been joking until he'd reviewed the budget and seen it himself.  

Great agents. Just lousy housekeepers.


	58. Lonely sounds

It was late as Jack wandered the disused hallways of the archives.

He'd thought he was alone when soft music met his ears.  He headed toward it. The tune was familiar, Moonlight Sonata.

What was causing it?

Rounding a corner he found the answer.  

When had they found a piano?  

There was Ianto sat quietly playing, and Jack watched graceful fingers dance across the keys, unaware of his audience.  

He surely hadn't learnt that growing up on the estate.

Jack sank to the floor, breathing in the music in this rare unguarded moment, both mournful and beautiful all at once.


	59. Lonely sounds

It was late as Jack wandered the disused hallways of the archives.

He'd thought he was alone when soft music met his ears.  He headed toward it. The tune was familiar, Moonlight Sonata.

What was causing it?

Rounding a corner he found the answer.  

When had they found a piano?  

There was Ianto sat quietly playing, and Jack watched graceful fingers dance across the keys, unaware of his audience.  

He surely hadn't learnt that growing up on the estate.

Jack sank to the floor, breathing in the music in this rare unguarded moment, both mournful and beautiful all at once.


	60. Soul searching

Despite being Good Friday, the small church was almost empty.  The only sound came from the altar boys practising hymns.

He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.

He hadn't been to church in very long time.  Not since before he'd moved to London. Not since his mother had dragged them all there every Sunday.

It felt odd being here now.  He half expected to be struck by lightning as he crossed the threshold. How could God forgive all that he had done? His sins.

A warm hand unexpectedly grasped his own.

'I forgive you,' whispered Jack.


	61. Bad sport

'Ow!' Jack cried out.

'Stop being such a sissy, it's just an ice pack', Ianto chastised as he pressed it against the sizeable lump forming on Jack's forehead.

'Consider yourself lucky. Tosh and Owen got stuck in a room full of flying dumbells. It's a wonder neither of them were killed. We certainly didn't expect to find you unconscious on the squash court.'  

'How was I to know they'd animate all the balls. I must have been hit about a hundred times and that's gonna leave some serious bruising.'

'I'll run a hot bath.'

'I'd prefer you kiss it better.'


	62. More than words

In all his years stationed in Cardiff, Jack had stoutly refused to learn Welsh.

Sure he knew the odd word, mainly from roadsigns, but he'd gotten by just fine.

Ianto had tried and failed, so when they finally scored a weekend away, he took them to a remote part of North Wales where English was nonexistent

Adding insult to injury, he refused to converse with Jack in English during their stay.

Somewhat miffed, Jack threatened to withhold sex if Ianto continued to withhold English.

Jack didn't need a translation to know that Ianto's reply suggested Jack would cave in first.


	63. Rather taxing - Part one

Jack stared in shock at the number. The decimal place must be in the wrong spot.

'It's not possible, you must have made a mistake.'

Ianto rolled his eyes, 'I don't make mistakes.'

'Well you must have. There's no way I can owe them that much!' Jack protested.

'When you've lived here for 170 years and accumulated that much money you're going to have to pay some tax.'

'But we're Torchwood. There must be some sort of exemption?'

'I can take it up with them, but unless HM Revenue and Customs is run by aliens I don't like your chances.'  


	64. Rather taxing - Part two

Jack caught the perplexed look on Ianto's face as he put the phone down.

'What's wrong?'

'I tried calling Revenue and Customs and they hung up on me, so I tried again. Same thing. I quoted your UTR and national insurance and they placed me on hold to access your file then hung up. This is the fourth time it's happened.'

'Maybe there's a glitch in their phone system.'

The sudden ringing phone startled them both

'Hello? Yes speaking. Yes, Jack Harkness. Right. Thank you.'

'Who was that?' asked Jack.

'Revenue and Customs. They'd like to meet with us personally.'


	65. Rather taxing - Part three

They headed straight down to the Cardiff Revenue and Customs branch office.

On arrival they were quickly and quietly ushered down a hall and into a sparsely decorated office, behind the desk of which sat a very unassuming and blandly dressed man.

'Great, a pen pushing public servant,' grumbled Jack.  

Ianto elbowed him sharply.  

'Mr Harkness. I understand you had a query about your recent tax assessment?'

'Well, not so much a query, more of a favour. I-'

'Yes, well I've had a look into your file and I think we can come to some sort of an arrangement.'

'Really?'


	66. Rather taxing - Part four

The chap behind the desk leaned forward and looked at them both keenly.

'You're Torchwood.'

It wasn't a question.

'Yes,' Jack replied. 'I rather thought given how we save the world every other day, maybe you might cut us some slack?'

'Yes, quite. Mr Harkness I'd like you to understand that we have an important function here and that the work we do is important, and that certain questions would best be left unasked.  I'm afraid I have a rather large confession to make.'

He pulled his glasses off, and he transformed from bland public servant to spiky blue alien.  


	67. Rather taxing - Part five

To their credit neither of them displayed surprise.

'Well, that explains a bit,' Ianto remarked.

'My kindred would be happy to overlook your rather minor tax issues in return for allowing us to continue here in peace.'

'How long have you been here?'

'Generations, Mr Harkness. And this department has kept us in happy employ since.'

'Aliens that love tax?'

'Quite. So do we have a deal?'

'I think that can be arranged.'

'Excellent, I'm so pleased.'

'So does that mean you can refund all my other tax bills as well?'  

'Best not to push Her Majesty's luck, Mr Harkness.'


	68. Keep calm and shoot

Ianto was down in the firing range.  

He needed the practice.  

More than that he needed to process.  Jack had abandoned them.  

He tried to block out the memories of time spent here with Jack.  Tried to block out the desire to leave Torchwood behind,  because he knew he couldn't abandon the team.  Not like Jack had.  

So he fired.  Each target hit with a clinical precision fuelled by a need to feel in control.

Breathe.  

Shot after shot after shot, until the only evidence that remained of his anger and his grief were the dozens of spent shell casings.


	69. Lost in translation

Nothing had been the same since Tosh and Owen had died.

Jack became distant, his jokes hollow.

He prayed that Gwen and Ianto would leave.  

Leave and live.

He loved them too much to watch them die.

He'd been especially cold towards Ianto. They barely even spoke except for work matters.

Ianto, ever the professional, accepted it without argument.

What they'd had was broken.

When Ianto thought he wasn't looking, Jack caught the look of wounded pain etched on his face.

He felt wretched knowing that he was the cause.

He wished Ianto could know how much he loved him.


	70. Shaken, not stirred

He had the sharp suit.

He had the gun.

He had the cool gadgets.

He had the awesome car.

Sure, Jack looked impressive flashing about in that coat of his, but his was cool, calm sophistication.

He was class on toast.

He walked into the bar of the hotel. An impressive beauty waltzed over.

'What can I get you?' he asked smoothly.

'Your name, and a martini.'

He smiled, oozing charm.

'Jones,  Ian-'

'Ianto!'

Fingers snapped in front of his face. The illusion shattered.

'I know Owen's autopsy report is boring but can you try and stay with us please?'


	71. Leave them wanting Moore - Part one

Jack hoped for an uneventful few days whilst Ianto was in London attending a UNIT conference.  More sneaky delegation on his part.

He hadn't expected spending it deleting CCTV and doctoring mission reports.

A rift alert indicated it had spat out something living.  

Gwen arrived a few hours later.

'So what have we got Jack?'

'Whatever happens you can't tell Ianto.'

'What? Why?' She looked into the cell.

'No way! Roger Moore has fallen through the rift dressed as James Bond?'

'No. A guy who looks like Roger Moore fell through the rift, and thinks he actually is James Bond.'


	72. Leave them wanting Moore - Part two

Gwen gazed at the man in the cell.

'Why is he sedated?'

'He tried to shoot me. Twice.'

'Why?'

'I think he thought I was a Soviet spy.'

'Well, I guess if he saw you in that coat...'

'Fair point. Which is probably why I confused him when I yelled "Halt! C.I.A!".'  

The prisoner stirred from unconsciousness.

'Hi,' Jack said.

'Your American accent is awful. I won't answer your questions. Take me to Barishnikov.'

'See, Soviet spies. Listen, we're not Russian. Your in the Torchwood facility.'

He expression was blank.

'You work for MI5 and you've never heard of Torchwood?'


	73. Leave them wanting Moore - Part three

Their interrogation of James was going nowhere and Gwen could sense Jack's frustration.  Barring physical torture, which Jack was only just prepared to accept as not a viable solution,  their visitor was well trained in the art of not giving anything away.

Gwen had an idea.

'What about we hand him over to U.N.I.T?'

'Why?'

'Sorry, did you say U.N.I.T?'

'You've heard of U.N.I.T?'

'Those paramilitary science boffins? Of course. You're connected with them?'

For the sake of cooperation, Jack swallowed his pride and agreed.

'Well why didn't you say so chaps? Get the Brigadier on the phone!'

Jack sighed.


	74. Leave them wanting Moore - Part four

'James, I'm afraid it's not the simple.'

'Don't be stupid. Lethbridge-Stuart and I are old Oxbridge classmates. He'll sort this whole mess it and put me in touch with HQ so I can explain what a complete  balls up this has been.'

'Do you actually know where you are?'

'Cardiff, of course. Barishnikov has been hiding out here for months. I thought you were one of his hired guns when you started following me.'

'What year?'

'Year? Oh, for heavens sake, 1965.'

'I hate to break it to you, but this isn't 1965, and this isn't the Cardiff you know.'


	75. Leave them wanting Moore - Part five

'You fell through a rift in time and space and ended up here. Cardiff. 2009.  Alternate universe.'  

'How?'

'We don't know. The rift is unpredictable at best. The fact that you've crossed universes, is itself almost impossible, even by the rift's standards.'  

'So how do I get back?'

'You don't. At least, it's highly unlikely. Sometimes the rift takes stuff back. Most of the time it doesn't.'

Gwen looked concerned. Was Jack going to send him to Flat Holm with the rest of them?

'Jack, please, you can't send him to Flat Holm.'

'Relax. I'm going to make some calls.'


	76. Leave them wanting Moore - Part six

Gwen gave James a tour of the hub.

He was in awe of everything. The rift manipulator. Their pet pteranadon. Gwen's mobile phone.

'Q would be blown away by all this.'

Gwen wasn't really across the Bond genre. Rhys had them all on DVD, so she had a vague recollection he was the techno genius responsible for the amphibious cars and exploding pens.  

She smiled and murmured appreciatively.

Jack returned.

'Good news. Seems MI5 have a job going spare if you want it. I changed your name to John Bradman, though.  They'd think I was having them on otherwise.'

'Why?'


	77. Leave them wanting Moore - Part seven (epilogue)

Ianto walked into Jack's office holding up a tie that wasn't his.

'Jack what's this?'

Jack froze at the sight. James's tie.  

Oh god, Ianto thinks I've been cheating on him!  

Instead of indignation that Ianto could ever think such a thing, he felt awful that Ianto thought himself unworthy of Jack's commitment.

'Ianto, it's not what to think.'

Logging on to his restricted access, he showed Ianto the video and undoctored report.

Jack was surprised when Ianto burst out laughing, and had to grip the desk to stop from falling over.

'You're not mad?'

'You idiot! That's absolutely priceless!' 


	78. Time and place

It was a standoff situation.

Ianto did a mental risk assessment.

Gwen. To the right with a hostage, behind a wall. Safe.

Tosh. To the left, out in the open but armed.

Owen. On the floor with the shooting victim. Unarmed, vulnerable.

Blowfish, dead ahead, hostage with a gun to her head.

'So, what about it, minion?'

Keep cool Jones, focus. Take the shot.

They're all counting on me.

Now is not the time for a James Bond moment!

No?

No, you idiot! What the hell would James Bond know about blowfish!

Fair point. Okay, squeeze the trigger.

BANG!

What???


	79. The price of unbreakable bonds

He entered the secret den and found her with her tarot cards

'We meet again Captain.'

'You know why I'm here?'

'I do.'  

She turned over a card.

'He can be found in this place. If the bond is strong enough.'

'Oh it is, believe me.'

She turned another card.

'But it will come at a cost. Evil lives beneath this place. Finding him, you will find it.'

'I'm willing to take the risk.'

Another card.  

'You will have to choose between life and death.'

Jack scoffed. He'd had enough of life.

Another card

'Beware. Only love will conquer evil.'


	80. Under pressure

It was meant to be a mother daughter bonding day.  

Mary had driven up from Swansea for a bit of retail therapy in town.

However, what had started off as thinly veiled comments became out and out interrogation.

'You still living in that pokey little flat? Good gracious Gwen! You need to find a place with space to raise a family. Rhys must be thinking you don't want kids.'

'Mum, we do want kids. It's just not the right time now.'

'You don't have forever dear.'

Gwen began to wonder if being strapped to a weevil wasn't better right now.


	81. The moment's gone

The disused funhouse at Barry Island could only have been invaded by one thing. Killer zombies.

Owen and Ianto had been cleverly cornered.

‘Jesus! If we ever get out of here I swear I’ll never gripe at you again.’

‘Promise?’

‘Mate, I know I’m a twat, but,- Oh God!’

Decaying heads suddenly exploded, covering both of them in putrefied muck.

‘Urgh!’ Owen pushed past him, and the rest of the team, that had just rescued them.

‘If you leave mess in the SUV, you’re cleaning it!’

‘Sod off, Teaboy!’

‘What happened to our bonding moment?’

‘It died with those zombies.’


	82. Unexpected bondage

‘It’ll wear off. Eventually.’

‘What do you mean, “eventually”?’ The look Owen gave Jack was murderous.

‘Couple of days. A week tops.’

‘You mean I’m stuck invisibly handcuffed to Teaboy for a week?’

‘Standing right here Owen’ Ianto murmured, trying not to show his own displeasure.

‘It’s not that bad. Zircadian bands have a range of about three feet. You’ll get by just fine, though you will have to decide who’s house you’re sleeping at.’

‘No! We are not sleeping together!’

‘Relax, I’ll sleep next to Ianto, then you can sleep next to me!’ Jack grinned.

'No!' they both yelled.


	83. Serendipity

It had been a rocky first few weeks for the newest addition to the Torchwood team.

She hadn't quite made the impression that they'd hoped for.  

She'd upset Owen by leaving his medical equipment in disarray, she'd managed to corrupt one of Tosh's programs when she'd spilt coffee on the computer, and Jack had served up more than enough retcon to cover things.

He was even beginning to wonder if he'd made the right decision.

But there was no turning back now.  

Despite the hiccups, Myfanwy had won Ianto over, and the two of them had bonded deeply and irrevocably.


	84. An unusual position

A twister board falling through the rift was too tempting to pass up.

Soon, Ianto found himself stretched from end to end.  

With Jack's next move he purposefully positioned himself so that he was straddling Ianto.

As Ianto spun the pointer and tried to make his next move, Jack began nibbling at his neck. It had the desired effect, causing Ianto's limbs to turn to jelly.  

Honestly, was there nothing that man wouldn't cheat at?

Conceding defeat, his right hand abandoned green and wrapped itself around Jack's neck,  pulling him down on top of him and into a deep kiss.


	85. An un-lichenly victory

An email pinged in their inboxes

From: Jack  
"Beware. Bad Moss day. Do not engage."

Silent acknowledgement crossed their faces.

Ianto was waging war on the hub.

The hub would never be clean enough for Ianto's standards. Even the main area was challenging at best, the cells were barely passable, and the lower levels and lesser used areas, deplorable.

It would have been better described as the battle of Stalingrad.

To be fair though, the mosses and lichens had been there since Victorian times, and had outlived Ianto five times over.

Despite his best efforts, they were taking no prisoners


	86. Which witch?

Jack found Ianto huddled in Myfanwy's aerie.

'C'mon girl, you need some fresh air and exercise. You shouldn't have to be stuck underground all day like the rest of us.'

'Hey! I heard that,' Jack sniped. 'What's wrong with spending all day underground with me?'

'No objections here.'

'What's going on?'

'She won't leave her nest. I've tried everything.'  

'Jack, it's Gwen. I'm getting several police reports about a green-faced madwoman flying around on a broomstick, claiming to be the wicked witch of the west.'

They exchanged looks.

Ianto petted Myfanwy's head.

'Sorry girl, I wouldn't have gone out either.'


	87. Up the putt

Ianto walked into Jack's office to find him slumped over the desk with his head buried in his arms.

'Welcome back. How was you week with Archie?'

Ianto received little more than a muffled groan.

He sighed. 'What happened?'

'He made me play golf again. Honestly what is it with the Scots and golf?'

'You lost?'

'Archie designed his own course. Only problem is that the putting green is on an island in the middle of the loch. It took me three hours just to hit the ball far enough to land there.'

'Water traps are a pain aren't they?'


	88. Slime time

Ianto had coped with a lot of things, and he came to accept, even expect, most of it.  

Dirt, blood, dust, entrails, rotting flesh, mould. All of that he could deal with.

But slime was another matter entirely. He hated slime.

Usually green, felt disgusting, smelled even worse, and never ever came out of clothing.

It served no purpose as far as he could tell.

Their most recent addition had managed to eject vast quantities all over the cell walls.

Ianto was unimpressed.

Then it oozed out through the holes, onto the floor. And his shoes.

Now it was personal.


	89. Green, green grass of home

It was a long wait out in the beacons for Jack and Tosh to return with the SUV.

Ianto lay down in the cool grass and stared at the pale blue sky. The air was clean and crisp.  

For a moment he closed his eyes and enjoyed the peace.  

Behind his eyelids the tranquil verdant scene remained. It could have been minutes or hours.  He wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not.

He heard a pair of shoes come to a stop by his head and opened his eyes.

'I hate the bloody countryside,' moaned Owen.

Not dreaming then.


	90. Fast car, slow traffic

Jack huffed in the passenger seat, slumping down and putting his foot up on the dash.

'You know,' said Ianto, 'for someone who's lived as long as you have, you have very little patience.'

'Argh! Green means go!' Jack shouted.

'So does red when  you're driving.'

'And now it's red again! We haven't even moved!'

'There are twenty other cars in front of us blocking the intersection.'

'Which wouldn't be there if we'd got back before peak hour, Grandma!'

'Lead foot!'

'Parking meter payer!'

'Double yellow line parker!'

'Give way junkie!'

'Road hog!'

'Stop arguing, you're making me horny!'

'Typical.'


	91. Discounting the obvious

'What is that?'

'I don't know.'

'It's green and furry.'

'It doesn't look good.'

'It doesn't smell good either.'

'How long has it been there?'

'Not sure. It's been a while since I last went through here.'

Gwen tipped her head and look at it thoughtfully.

'It's probably harmless. Could be Owen's.'

'True, he's been known to keep experiments in our fridge when his cabinet in the lab is full.'

'Owen! Is this yours?'

Owen came and inspected the object.

'Huh,' he said, pulling it out and binning it. 'Wondered where I'd left that pizza.'

'Well, we were half right.'


	92. Are you smarter than a seven year old?

The device had regressed Tosh to a child. 

Gwen and Ianto were babysitting while Jack tried to fix the device.

Tosh sat quietly making a replica of the Eiffel tower out of Mecchano.

'Look what I got you Tosh,' said Ianto, 'frog in a pond!'

She eyed the cup curiously.

'Why is the jelly blue?'

'Because that's the water in the pond.'

'It should be green, silly. Then when the frog jumps in the pond it can't been seen by predators.'

'Right. Why didn't I think of that?'

'Can't fault the logic of a seven year old genius,' Jack remarked.


	93. Green with envy

Jack knew that his boyfriend was hot.

What he struggled with was when other people thought his boyfriend was hot.

He'd used his charms for years to get what he wanted.  Ianto was not afforded the same liberties.

Girls he could live with.  A few cute smiles and eyelashes fluttering. Ianto took it all in his stride.

But when a fit young blonde man started with the flirtations, Jack stepped in and rather rudely made a point of demonstrating that Ianto was altogether unavailable.

Ianto smirked amused.

'Did the green-eyed monster get the better of you Jack?'

'No,' he lied.


	94. Faking it

Jack had decked out the hub for Halloween. Everywhere there were fake cobwebs, pumpkins and skeletons. There was even a life size grim reaper.  

The whole thing creeped Ianto out.

Walking into Jack's office, he caught him scoffing lollies out of a Jack-o-lantern.

Ianto eyed the spiders adorning his desk.

'Relax Ianto, the spiders are fake, see?' he said, picking one up.

Ianto squirmed.  

'But Jack-'

'C'mon you work for Torchwood! You've faced worse!'

He waved it near Ianto's face as he flinched.

'Um, Jack?'

'What?'

'That one's actually real.'

'Huh?'  

Furry legs wriggled in his hand.

'Argh!'

'My hero.'


	95. Time creeps slowly

It was getting late as Jack and Ianto sat in his office finishing off reports.

Well, at least one of them was.

Ianto was always amazed at how many creative ways Jack could come up with for avoiding paperwork. He was sat there idly watching a spider that had appeared from nowhere, inexorably creeping across the length of the desk.

'Jack, you need to finish those.'

'Why?'

'If you don't finish your reports we don't go home, and if we don't go home...' He quirked an eyebrow at Jack.

'Yeah alright. Time to go spidey, you're ruining my sex life.'


	96. Peculiar novelty

Jack grinned as the waiter delivered their meals.  Two chicken avocado baguettes, one cappuccino and a lime spider.

Ianto eyed him curiously.

'You know,' said Jack, biting into the baguette, not pausing, 'first time I was here was 2007. We had lunch just here.  Me and Mickey and Rose and the Doctor. Good times.'

He eyed the drink sadly.

'Then the Slitheen had to come along and try to blow up the city.'  

'The earthquake? The rift? That was the Doctor?'

'Yep. Still,' he said, regaining his smile, 'ice cream in soft drink, who'd have thought? I love this planet!'


	97. Uninspiring death

It was her first proper boardroom meeting since joining.

'So Owen,' Jack began, 'what are the results of the autopsy?'

'Nothing exciting. Guy died from a spider bite.'

'Seriously?'

'Yup. Toxicology report confirmed it. Australian funnel web. Not native to the UK. Just a plain old ordinary death.'

'Huh, well that's boring. And we don't do ordinary. Kick it back to the coroner.'

'No worries boss.'

Gwen was confused.

'Sorry,' she interrupted, 'but what part of that was ordinary? Man killed by exotic spider venom?'

Owen smirked.  

'Chill out newbie, this is Torchwood. Soon enough you'll be begging for ordinary.'


	98. What's black with eight legs?

They were all still laughing when Jack entered the boardroom. Despite his immortality it seemed that he wasn't going to be able to live this one down.

'Okay,' said Gwen, ' What's black with eight legs, a nose, a tail and is the most terrifying thing in the universe?'

'Spider mice!' they all cried, falling into another fit of laughter.

As if on cue, the small fury creature scampered across the table.

'I told you to get rid of all those!'

'Bet this is one of those traumatic childhood experiences,'  mocked Owen.

'Might be,' Jack  said defensively crossing his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continues in "Introducing Colin"


	99. Introducing Colin

'Who's afraid of the big bad spider mouse?'

'Hey, they're creepy, okay! Harmless, but creepy.'

'I think they're cute,' said Tosh.  

'Me too,' agreed Gwen.

'And clever,' added Ianto. 'This one managed to escape the cage twice,' as it curled up in his hand. 'His name's Colin.'

'No. No one's keeping any of them! You want a pet, find  some other vermin. Lord knows this place has enough. Normal Earth vermin.'

'Come on, Jack. Would you say no to that face?' pleaded Gwen.

He wasn't sure if she was referring to Ianto or Colin, but suspected he'd lost this battle.


	100. Pie high

Jack let out a grunt of annoyance as he got smacked in the head by a custard tart.

Bernie Harris was huddled on the ground next him, taking shelter behind the shop counter. Jack vowed that he'd find Bernie  a nice quiet cell at Torchwood where he couldn't cause any more trouble.

'I thought it was someone's car keys, I swear!' cried Bernie.

The re-animator device had sent everything in the patisserie flying about the room. Cherry pie filling seeped down the wall like blood.

'Could've been worse,' Jack admitted, 'you could have set it off in a hardware store.'


	101. Impossible pie

Ianto peered carefully into the box before taking downstairs.

‘Owen, someone’s sent us a present.’

‘Who?’

‘Dunno. There’s no return address.’

‘Okay. So what’s the present?’

‘A pie. Apple from the smell of it.’

‘Nice one. Well, what are you standing around for? Go get us some plates.’

Ianto set the box down and retrieved the crockery.

As he went to cut into the pie, it quivered oddly.

Suddenly Jack’s vortex manipulator went crazy, beeping loudly. He inspected it and quickly snatched the box from Ianto’s hands.

‘Hey!’ yelled Owen.

‘That’s no pie, Owen. Damn shape-shifters, that’s twice this week!’


	102. Sweet surrender

It looked ridiculous, having a pie sitting on the floor in the middle of the cell, but the shape-shifter stoutly refused to reveal it’s true identity.

‘You gotta admit,’ said Jack, crossing his arms, ‘not the best of disguises for getting into Torchwood. What was it planning on doing?’

‘Guess it didn’t count on the voraciousness of Owen’s appetite. Not sure that’s what it had in mind when it thought to “divide and conquer”.’ Ianto quipped.

‘What do we do if it stays like that?’ Gwen asked.

‘Don’t know. We could always threaten to drown it in custard, I suppose.’


	103. After dinner honesty

Jack watched Ianto carefully across the table. Something was bothering him.

A home cooked dinner followed by dessert should have been the perfect end to the day.  

Instead he watched him idly pushing apple pie around his plate with the fork.

Jack reached across the table, clutching his hand.

'What's going on with you? You've barely spoken two words all night.'

He kept his eyes downcast, refusing to meet Jack's.

'Why are we trying to do normal?'

Jack looked confused.

'I thought that's what you wanted.'

'So did I. But normal isn't us.'

'What do you want?'

'You. Just you.'


	104. Time to say goodnight

Movie night was not going to last.

Only half way through and Jack could tell Ianto was too tired. He lay curled up on his couch with the cushion hugged tightly under his head.

Jack turned the TV off.

'Alright bedtime for you.'

'Mphf,' he muttered.

'C'mon, up you get.'

'Ngh.'

'You want to spend all night on the couch?'  

'Mmmh.'

'Suit yourself,' Jack replied, grabbing the throw rug and covering the young man.  

'Nos da.'

'That's goodnight in Welsh, yeah?'

'Hundr'd forty years you finally learn Welsh,' Ianto murmured.

Jack kissed his head

'Ha ha, cheeky. Nos da cariad.'


	105. Say what?

'It says "refrigerate after opening".'

'Well, that's all a bit anticlimactic,' Gwen observed.

'Sorry, can't help it.  It is what it is.' Jack replied.

'I just thought, you know, being an alien language it might say something interesting.'

'Lots of languages out there, all saying the same thing.'

'Exactly how many languages do you speak?'

'Don't know. Lost count. Translate more than speak.'

'Tosh?'

'Three. English, Japanese, and high school German.'

'My aunt's Polish, so I can speak a little bit.'

'Ianto?'

'Welsh, obviously, Japanese, French and Spanish.'

'What about you Owen?'

'Iway eakspay igpay atinlay.'

'Pig Latin doesn't count.'


	106. Would you...

Jack had been waiting for Ianto to return from the tourist office for over half an hour.

What in earth was taking him so long?

Taking matters into his own hands, he made his way up there.

When he arrived he found Ianto chatting amiably in French with three attractive girls.  

They all looked at Jack, and Ianto said something which made them all titter and laugh.

After handing them a few maps with neat directions hand written on them they went on their way.

'So,' Jack leered, 'voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?'

Ianto grinned. 'Always,' he replied.


	107. Junk mail

'What did you do?'

'Nothing!' Owen protested. 'I swear Tosh, I was about to open the tox report and this came up.'

The screen was full of wingding type text.

'Tosh!' Jack called, walking out of his office, 'My computer just crashed.'

'Must be connected to this,' she said, pointing at Owen's screen.

Jack peered at the screen.

'Huh, we've been spammed.'

'What, you can read that?'

'Alien email spam.'

'What does it say?'

'Don't think I should say. Ooh, that's just naughty!' he said continuing to read. 'Ianto and I should really try some of this later on though!'


	108. Wishlist

Jack cringed as the car pulled up at their murder scene.

Lucia caught the look on his face as she hopped out.

'You really don't like the Volvo, do you?'

Jack made no bones about Torchwood's choice of vehicle. Even for the seventies, it was ugly and uninspiring.

'Why can't we have a cool car?'

'Define cool.' She was teasing him now, knowing how much he enjoyed it.

'Tall, black, blue flashing lights. Enough space for a weevil, and other activities...'

'You've been watching too much James Bond. We're meant to be secret!'

'One day, Lucia! One day!' he retorted.


	109. The bluebird chronicles - Part one

'I got attacked by a bluebird in the cells.' Owen said.

'I suppose it could've gotten in through the invisible lift,' Tosh mused.

'That's impossible.' Ianto replied. 'Bluebirds aren't native to Europe. The only bluebirds in Cardiff are the kind that play football.'

'Since when are you interested in football?'

'Unlike you, I grew up here. I also have a suspicion about your mystery bird.'

They all gathered down in the cells and watched the tiny bird.

Ianto held up two of his shirts, one red, one blue.

The bird flew over landing on the red shirt, chirping.

'Hello Jack.'


	110. The bluebird chronicles - Part two

'How exactly did Jack end up a bird?'

'Screwing around with something he shouldn't have again?'

'Didn't you notice him missing earlier?'

'We all got home late last night. I don't think any of us was in a state to notice. And Jack's always disappearing,' Ianto said giving the bluebird an accusatory stare.

It chirped back defensively.  

He wrapped his hand around it and placed it in a small cage, where it chirped even more angrily. 'Keep that up and Myfanwy will have you for a snack. If you won't be useful and help us fix this, then shut up.'


	111. The bluebird chronicles - Part three

The little bird chirped endlessly to gain their attention. Gwen hated to admit it but it did a very good impression of Jack barking orders at them.

'We need to be sure it's definitely him.'

'And how are we going to do that?' asked Owen, crossing his arms impatiently.

'Okay Jack. One chirp for yes and two for no. Got it?'

Chirp.

'Are you definitely Captain Jack harkness?'

Chirp.

'Do you know what happened to you?'

Chirp chirp.

'Oh come on, Tosh, this could be a load of bollocks. Could just be coincidence. Ask him some real questions.'  

'Like what?'


	112. The bluebird chronicles - Part four

'Alright Harkness, supposing it's you, who's The Doctor?'

'That's not a yes/no question!' cried Gwen. 'How's he going to answer that?'

Jack pecked at the cage. Ianto reluctantly opened it.

Jack flew across the hub, over to the bubbling jar containing The Doctor's hand and landed on top.

'Okay. Have you ever snogged any member of the team?'

He chirped once and flew over to perched on Ianto's shoulder.

'Right, last question. Would you shag me?'

'Good grief,' muttered Ianto.

A flurry of chirps followed. Owen rolled his eyes.

'I don't think we need a translator for that. It's him.'


	113. The bluebird chronicles - Part five

'I've been tracking CCTV to determine what happened. So far I've traced back five hours, where he somehow got through security from level twelve archives and up to level four cells where Owen found him.'

'Right, where is he?' Gwen demanded. 'He's not in his cage and he's eaten my blueberry muffin! And if that's not bad enough, he was also kind enough to leave a little present in it's place on my desk! So long as he's in this state, he's not leading Torchwood.'  

'Don't make a sound,' Ianto whispered into his lapel. 'Your life may depend on it.'


	114. The bluebird chronicles - Part six

Ianto arrived at his flat after a long day. They were still no closer to determining what had happened to Jack.

He unbuttoned his jacket and carefully scooped Jack out of his pocket where he'd been snoozing most of the afternoon.  

'Fat lot of good you've been today. Nice for some to get some sleep after last night,' he moaned, putting Jack down on the corner of the pillow, before flopping onto the bed in an exhausted heap. Jack felt a twinge of remorse for the team's dilemma.

Ianto was already asleep when Jack moved to nestle against his hair. 


	115. The bluebird chronicles - Part seven

When the alarm clock went off at six, Ianto didn't stir.  

Jack had already been awake for hours, seemingly operating on bird time zone. As it was, he'd had to fight the urge to start chirping loudly at four in the morning. Chances were  Ianto wouldn't have appreciated it, no matter how musically talented Jack seemed to be.

When the alarm went off again twenty minutes later and he still hadn't moved, Jack pecked at Ianto's nose. He received a grumble for his trouble and a hand that tried to whack him all the way to Newport.

Jack squawked indignantly.


	116. The bluebird chronicles - Part eight

That morning Jack was zipping about the flat, refreshed from so much sleep, and rather enjoying being able to fly around.  

'If you keep that up, I'll tell Tosh you want to stay that way.'

A deflated chirp responded and he came to rest on the kitchen counter.  

'So, breakfast? I'm guessing scrambled eggs are off the menu. Pancakes then? Not sure we should let you have coffee. Besides you seem hyperactive enough without.'

More enthusiastic chirping followed by something that sounded like agreement with his comment about eggs.

If he wasn't careful he might almost become fluent, thought Ianto.


	117. The bluebird chronicles - Part nine

After a week, the team fell into a familiar pattern.  

Jack found he rather enjoyed the attentions of his team and their empathy at his current state.  

He would ride around on Ianto's shoulder until he grew bored with whatever task Ianto was meticulously attending to.  

He would sit on Tosh's desk where she would stroke his feathery chest, and toy with the tiny keyboard she was working on for him.  

He put up with Owen's examinations and tests.

He'd even come to a truce with Gwen after the muffin incident, and she now happily shared her food with him.


	118. The bluebird chronicles - Part ten

When the rift alert came through, Gwen called the shots. She'd taken over as temporary leader and Jack seemed content to let her.

Ianto extracted Jack from his breast pocket.  

'You stay here.'  

Jack protested to no avail, Ianto's grip on him was firm but gentle.  

'Jack you can't. If you get squashed in a struggle with a weevil I'd never forgive myself.'  

'He's right, Jack,' Owen added, 'we have no idea even if your ability to regenerate still works in your current state.'  

Jack continued his tirade and wasn't about to let up.  

Begrudgingly they took him with them.


	119. The bluebird chronicles - Part eleven

As they approached the alleyway Gwen pulled over. They all piled out of the SUV and began gearing up.  

Just before they departed for their weevil chase, Ianto opened the SUV door and tossed Jack inside before quickly slamming the door shut.  

'End of the road Jack. We'll handle things from here.'  

He'd agreed to let Jack join them, he just hadn't said how far.

Jack squawked furiously as he flapped against the window.

'You know, it's altogether possible that he's an even more gung-ho pain in the arse now than when he was human.'  

No one disagreed with Ianto.


	120. The bluebird chronicles - Part twelve

When they had subdued the weevils and clambered back into the car it was a grumpy Jack that greeted them. He even had the cheek to peck sharply at the back of Ianto's ear, resulting in his prompt stuffing into the glove compartment.  

It had all gone quiet as they reached the hub. Ianto suddenly worried that Jack may have suffocated.

'Jack?'

A small sulky chirp greeted him.

'Are you ready to accept the limitations of your current state?'

Another subdued chirp.

Ianto opened the flap. Even as a bird, he looked miserable.

'Don't worry Jack, Tosh will fix this.'


	121. The bluebird chronicles - Part thirteen

Eventually through careful cross-referencing their CCTV footage and archiving catalogues they were able to determine exactly where Jack had been and the device that had caused it.

Owen had offered up several white lab rats to experiment on until they were certain they'd gotten the reversal process correct.

How Jack had set it off and why he'd been down there remained a mystery. Gwen's research indicated that birds didn't have good memories.

Later,  Ianto found newly cured Jack standing on one of his favourite roofs.

'Haven't you had enough of heights lately?'

'No, but this time I can share it.'


	122. Something fishy is going on

Tosh was staring into the pool at the base of the water tower.

'Whatcha doing?' asked Owen.

'I saw a fish!'

'Rubbish!'  

'No, I swear it was there. The pool drains out into the bay. I suppose it's possible that one swam back up the pipe.'

'Tosh darling, if there's fish in there I'll bare my arse in Queen Street.'

On cue, a fish broke the surface before slipping away.

'Bugger me,' Owen remarked retreating.

Jack appeared from the shadows, smiling at Tosh.

'That wasn't wrong, was it Jack?'

'It's only wrong if we get caught. I'll fetch the camera!'


	123. The magic ingredient

He could hear Jack approaching. Honestly, he really needed to try harder.

‘Are those?’

‘Yes, they are tuna special, and no, you’re not going to find out what makes them special.’

Jack huffed and left Ianto to finish making his sandwiches.

Once he was certain Jack was gone and he was concealed from the cameras, he let slip the tiny bottle of tabasco putting a single drip into the bowl of Japanese mayonnaise, before spreading it onto the other side of the bread.

Ianto’s sandwiches were renowned for a reason. Jack wasn’t the only one who got to keep secrets.


	124. Bad breath

The disused cannery down by the docks was not ideal for hunting down a hoix.

The whole place still reeked of rotting mackerel and mildew.

‘I remember coming here once on a school excursion,' Gwen noted. 'The place smelled so awful I held my nose for the entire three hours.’

A low growl came from behind some nearby machinery.

‘What have you got that I can feed it?’ asked Jack.

‘Um,’ she said, patting down her pockets. ‘Chewing gum?’

‘That’ll do. Besides, if it’s joining us in the back of the SUV, might not hurt for it to have minty breath.’


	125. Cardsharp

Jack, Gwen, Ianto and Tosh were huddled together in darkness.

‘Do you have any fours?’ Tosh asked.

Jack raised his eyes to meet hers.

‘Go fish.’

Owen approached and beamed his flashlight at them.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Playing cards.’ Gwen replied.

‘Go fish?’ Seriously?’

‘I wanted strip poker, but I got vetoed three to one.’ Jack complained.

‘Six hours to kill, what were we supposed to do?’

‘Only because some bright spark got a little trigger happy, thought his corpse was emitting highly contagious spores and put the whole place into lockdown.’

‘Yeah, well better safe than sorry, right?’


	126. Unpaid invoice

The phone startled him.

'Hello?'

'Can I speak with Jack Harkness, please?'

Ianto looked around.

'He's not here, can I take a message?'

'Yeah, it's Ieuan from Fantasy Cakes. Just following up on an unpaid invoice.'

Ianto was perplexed.  

'Let me just check our records,' he said reaching for a folder of invoices, and flicking to the "F" section. He didn't recall placing an order.

'Ah, here it is,' he said, then paused to read the details, eyebrows raising higher with each word.

'Sorry, but what does it mean when it says "fee for personal insertion prior to delivery"?'


	127. No ordinary cake

Ianto re-read the invoice again.

Vanilla sponge, chocolate frosting, blue sprinkles, personalised greeting. Dimensions 4ft by 4ft by 5ft. What kind of cake was this?

'Yeah, he was quite specific about that. Didn't want one of our regular strippers in the cake,  wanted to do it himself.  We get requests like that sometimes. Costs extra because of the insurance and all.'  

'Right, ah, well, everything looks to be in order here,  just an oversight on our part. You'll have the cheque tomorrow.'

'Brilliant, cheers mate. This Ianto Jones bloke's going to be in for a shock, eh?'

'Mmm,' Ianto agreed.


	128. Best intentions

When Jack returned, Ianto entered his office.

'Anything happen while I was out?'

'All quiet,  just the one message.' Ianto handed him a blank cheque.  

'A guy called Ieuan from Caerphilly following up payment for something you ordered.  He also said he needed to set up an appointment with you on the nineteenth.'

Jack started to panic.

'Did he say why?'

'No, I just assumed you knew. I can call back for details if you need?'

'No, that's fine. I'll speak to him.'

'Okay.'

As Ianto left Jack breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn't ruined Ianto's birthday surprise.


	129. Lying in wait

When Ianto woke on his birthday it was with slight trepidation.  

He was going to have to face Jack's "birthday surprise".  

It was difficult not to smirk when Jack made his excuses to leave, and Ianto secretly hoped that the others might be called out on a rift alert by the time Jack returned.  

If they knew about it, they were keeping a tight lid on it, which made Ianto suspect they didn't. They were useless at keeping secrets.  

He couldn't decide if he was embarrassed to have the others there, or if he wanted Jack's surprise all to himself.


	130. Wrapped up with a bow

When the giant box arrived at reception Ianto could barely contain his mirth, knowing what was inside.  

Getting it to fit into the lift was another matter. He almost wanted to curse Jack.

The team gathered around, intrigued.  

He felt his face going red at the attention.

They oohed and aahed at the extravagantly large cake, and various exclamations as Jack exploded from the top,  grinning madly, but fortunately fully dressed.

'Happy birthday Ianto!'

After much celebration, everyone went home.

'Thankyou.'

'You're welcome.'

'Jack?'

'Mmm?'

'How are we going to eat all this cake?'

'Let's worry about it tomorrow morning.'


	131. Best gift of all

Jack's attention was drawn to the hand placing something on his desk.

‘What is it?’

Ianto rolled his eyes.

‘It's a cupcake.’

‘I can see that. But why does it have a candle in it?’

Ianto perched on the edge of Jack's desk folding his arms.

‘Well, it took a bit of research, and six months for Tosh's computer programs to work it out, but today is your birthday.’

Jack was stunned. He'd calculated the date once years ago but hadn't bothered to observe it for decades. And Ianto was spot on.

‘Thankyou. But the best birthday gift is you.’


	132. Poker face

Jack was starting to regret his earlier bold assertion.

In his head he could hear Ianto's voice taunting him. "Best poker face in the Vegas Galaxy..."

He looked at the Welshman sitting across from him, missing only jacket and tie, but otherwise fully clothed. Jack on the other hand, down to his briefs.

Use it to your advantage, he thought, attempting to distract Ianto with his near nakedness. Ianto calmly continued on, immune.

'I fold,' Jack declared, stripping completely.

'How do I know you didn't intend this all along?'

'I didn't, but are you complaining?'

'Nope. I win either way.'


	133. Let 'em fold 'em

It was a slow day at the hub when the suggestion went round for a paper folding contest.

Jack forfeited to act as judge.

Owen made a pirates hat, drawing skull and crossbones on it before placing it on his head.

Gwen made a windmill and poked her pen through it, blowing to make it spin.

Tosh, of course, created a beautiful Japanese paper crane.

'You won't top that, Teaboy. Not even favouritism from the boss will win you this one.'

Ianto produced a tiny origami version of Myfanwy.

'This is bollocks!' Owen cried, throwing down his hat in disgust.


	134. Read all about it

Ianto nearly spat his coffee out when he opened the newspaper.

Taking it down to Jack's office he dropped it on Jack's desk.

'You've excelled yourself. Western Mail, front page, above the fold.'

Jack picked it up and examined the headline

"Comprised. Mayor caught out in legislative council chambers."

The accompanying photo showed Jack bent over the mayor in a position that didn't require much imagination.

'That would have been just before we were about to be skewered by that alien hummingbird thing yeah?'

'As I recall.'

'Wouldn't worry about it. Politicians are used to being stabbed in the back.'


	135. Starved of attention

Jack tapped his foot impatiently.

'C'mon, what's the hold up? I'm starving!'

'I'll be up in a minute. Breakfast can wait.'

'It might, but I can't.'

'Well, if you folded your clothes from last night instead of leaving them in a heap on the floor, I wouldn't have to fold them all now.'

'Who cares? I'm not wearing them.'

'I care.'

Jack groaned in frustration.

Ianto was folding them extra slow, just to punish Jack.

'If you don't hurry up I'm coming down there, and then you'll have another pile of my clothes on the floor to have to fold.'


	136. Badge of honour

Jack's breath caught in his throat as he picked up Owen's lab coat and began folding it.  

Now all it represented was a bundle of possessions that would be locked away for eternity in a box down in the archives.  

As his hand brushed over the assortment of badges adorning the coat, the tears he'd been trying to hold back came pouring down his face.  

Owen had died because of him.

Him and Toshiko.

Beautiful Tosh who'd died in his arms.   

And poor Owen who'd died alone. No assurances, no goodbyes. Just cold, unforgiving death.

Jack would never forgive himself.


	137. Silver is for...

Jack was at the table eating breakfast when Ianto came in and kissed him on the temple.

'Happy anniversary Jack,' he said, laying a small box on the table.

Jack opened it eagerly. Inside was a pair of airplane shaped cufflinks.

'Twenty five years is a silver anniversary, so I thought these could replace the ones you lost all those years ago.'

'You know I've quite gotten to enjoy all these quaint earth traditions. Christmas, Easter, St Patrick's Day, Pancake Tuesday. But I have to say anniversaries are my favourite.'

'Why's that?'

'Because I get to celebrate being with you.'


	138. Runner up

Jack had been putting off clearing out his bottom drawer for years, but Ianto had given him an ultimatum he couldn't refuse.

The others watched on, not wanting to miss anything interesting.

Most of it was just junk. Old reports that were never filed, a ping pong ball, a beanie, one of Ianto's old diaries.

Something caught Gwen's eye.

'Is that a medal?'

'Silver. 1964 Badminton doubles.'

'You did not win an Olympic medal,' decreed Owen.

'I did. Charles was a hotshot at badminton. I just thought he was hot. It was a good excuse to spend more time together.'


	139. Lessons learned

Jack detested working for Emily Holroyd. He detested even more having to accompany her on a mission.

She was still lecturing him when they were flanked on both sides by their quarry.

Jack raised his gun in the standoff.

'Don't bother, dear boy,' Emily chastised, 'They're vampires. Only a silver bullet will kill them,' she said, firing her pistol and dropping the nearest one to the ground dead.

'That's why it pays to do you homework.'

Another lurched forward and Jack fired. It dropped dead.

'Seems lead bullets work too. That's why it pays not to believe anything you say.'


	140. Cashing in - Part one

Jack stuck his head out of his office as he watched Ianto stride past with a box full of silverware.

'Whatcha doing?'

'Spring cleaning. The archives are overstuffed with harmless earth based tat. If we don't find a way to be rid of some of it were going to have to start tunnelling to Swansea.'

'So what's the plan?'

'This lot's going off to the antiques roadshow next weekend for valuing. Should be able to auction it off for a reasonable price.'  

'Good thinking. Might even be able to balance the budget with the proceeds.'

'Fancy coming along?'

'Why not?'


	141. Cashing in - Part two

Jack wasn't quite sure what to expect at an antiques roadshow. Plenty of people and plenty of bizarre objects.

Getting restless of queuing with Ianto and their silverware, he strode off to inspect some other items.

'Excuse me, sir?'

Jack spun around. 'Me?'

'Yes, is that a genuine WW2 great coat?'

'Yup.'

'My goodness, do you know how valuable that is? And you're wearing it?' She seemed quite incredulous.

'How much, do you think?' Jack asked.

'Well, in that condition, maybe two thousand pounds.'

Jack rejoined Ianto.

'Apparently my coat is worth two thousand pounds.'

'Don't be ridiculous, it's priceless.'


	142. Cashing in - Part three

It had been a successful day at the roadshow, and they were now £5,400 richer.

Making their way across the lawns of the castle and towards the exit, a familiar hooded figure caught Jack’s eye.

‘Bernie Harris! Fancy seeing you here. And what’s this?’ Jack said, swiping the object from Bernie’s grasp, scanning it

‘Hey! It’s my Gran’s!’

‘You’re a terrible liar. Let’s see. 13th century, alien alloy, soaked in rift energy. Your gran must be ageing well! Current earth value estimated at zero, but I do know someone who’d be interested.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah, us. Pleasure doing business as always.’


	143. This might sting

'Ouch!' Ianto cried.

'Don't be such a wuss,' griped Owen, as he dabbed at the gashes across Ianto's shoulder.  

'You've had far worse. Honestly, why can't you two do dating like normal people?'

He paused for a moment.

'No, I take that back, you two are so far from normal, this is normal.'

'Ouch!' Ianto cried again.  

'For heavens sake, it's just a weevil scratch!'

'Yes, but what are you using on it?'

'It's bog standard antiseptic. See,' he said thrusting the bottle towards Ianto.

'This is concentrate. You're meant to dilute it.'

'Yeah, I knew that.' Owen replied sheepishly.


	144. Getting to know you

Height.  Check.

Weight.  Check.

Sex.  Check.

Approximate age.  Check.

Distinctive features.  Check.

Name.  Blank.  Hmmm….

‘Jack?’

‘Yup?’

‘What are we calling this one?’

Jack folded his arms, contemplating the creature in the cell. It leered back at him, growling a low menacing growl.

‘Frankenfurter.’

‘Seriously?’

‘Why not? We’ve got Janet, and we used to have Brad. Seemed like the logical choice.’

‘Naming it after a sexually ambiguous transvestite? Doesn’t quite tie in with the boiler suit look.’

‘That’s just the Monday to Friday attire. Who knows what he looks like in his Saturday night get up.’

‘I shudder to think.'


	145. Get the party started

Gwen’s phone trilled.

'Andy! What’s up?'

'We’ve got a breaking and entering you might want to check out.' 

'What’s a B&E got to do with Torchwood?'

'Trust me. You’re going to want to see this one.'

Andy wasn’t wrong. A local costume shop now contained four weevils dressed in the most outrageous of clothes.

'Oh,' Tosh exclaimed.

'There’s not enough bleach in the world to rinse my eyes out,' Owen moaned.

Jack looked slightly disappointed as he watched one loping about with a feather boa.

'I don’t know about you guys, but she really doesn’t do Shirley Bassey any justice.'


	146. Take my advice

It was with reluctance that Ianto went to see Owen. Alright, in truth, Jack had made him go. He’d been feeling tired and run down for nearly two weeks. More than usual, anyway.

Owen, to his credit, carried out his examination without fuss or preamble.

‘You’re anemic,’ he diagnosed, ‘take these,’ he said holding out a bottle of multivitamins, ‘and this,’ proffering a banana.

Ianto looked at the banana, raising an eyebrow.

‘I though an apple a day kept the doctor away?’

‘This isn’t about keeping the doctor away, it’s about keeping the patients away. Specifically, my patients. Now go.’


	147. Stating the obvious

One day Ianto was going to give up on trying to teach Jack Welsh.

In front of him was a bowl of fruit, and he was testing Jack.

He raised an apple in his hand, and looked questioningly at Jack. Jack squirmed under the scrutiny.

‘Um,’ he said, letting the silence hang in the air.

‘Afal.’ Ianto repeated, putting it down and picking up a pear.

‘Pearal?’ Jack said, knowing he’d just made that up.

Ianto sighed. ‘Gellygen’

Ianto reached for a banana.

‘Ha,’ Jack exclaimed, snapping his fingers and pointing wildly, ‘I know this one. Banana!’

Ianto rolled his eyes.


	148. Chow down

Ianto had a busy morning out buying supplies and picking up deliveries, so he'd missed lunch with the team by the time he'd gotten back.

Walking back into the hub he picked up a banana along the way and headed straight into Jack's office to run through some urgent reports.

He was nibbling at it in between files when Jack dropped the file on his desk, startling him.  

'Do you have to do that?'

'Do what?'

'The banana.'

Ianto looked at him blankly.

'It's very distracting watching you eat it.'

'Can you leave your innuendo out of my lunch?'


	149. Put your feet up

Ianto had come to see how Jack was getting on.

'What are you doing?' he asked, noticing Jack's new addition.

'Catching up on reports,' he replied blithely.    

'Why are you lying on a banana lounge to do it?'

'Owen said I had to stay off my feet while my ankle knitted itself back together. I figured I  might as well be comfortable at the same time. All I need now is some sunshine and a sexy young man to keep the drinks coming.'

'Coffee then, is it?' Ianto replied.

'Good man, Pablo!'

'Just don't think I'm bringing you fresh towels.'


	150. Late

Jack was standing atop the roof of the Millennium Centre staring out into the night. The charred hole was all that remained of the plass below.

The familiar sound of the TARDIS appeared on the roof nearby.

Doors flung open and a slightly dishevelled Doctor in his suit and trainers stumbled out.

‘Jack! Hullo! Right, where are we at with this 456 business? Time to send them packing.’

‘They’re gone.’ Jack mumbled.

‘Oh, good. TARDIS timing might’ve been a bit off, I guess. Well, I’ll be off then if I’m not needed.’

Jack spun furiously and pushed the Doctor hard.

 

You didn’t touch the Doctor. Jack didn’t care.

‘Don’t you get it? They’re gone, they’re all gone! Steven, Ianto, Owen, Tosh, Torchwood. It’s all gone because you weren’t here!’

The Doctor turned and saw the devastation below for himself.

‘Jack, I’m so sorry. If I’d known I would have been here sooner.’

‘Would you? Then go back now and fix it!’

‘Jack, you know I can’t. Some things can’t be changed.’

‘Fixed points…’ Jack muttered cynically.

‘I’m sorry.’ And he was.

‘But- you can’t stay here forever. Come with me.’

‘No,’ Jack said coldly, ‘you and I are done. Forever.’


	151. On the case

'Gerald! How's it hanging?' Jack greeted him brightly.

'Fine thank you, Jack. Is that another one of those futuristic turns of phrase you're so fond of?'

'Twentieth century, actually.'

'Hmmm, must not have come into fashion just yet,' Gerald mused, 'Ah, morning Harriet,' he said, changing the subject.

'Morning Gerald, Jack. I've got that file you were after.'

'Excellent,' he replied, giving her a brief smile.

Jack refrained from rolling his eyes. For all his flirtations, Harriet only had eyes for their leader, oblivious as he was.  

'What's that?' Jack asked.

'Your new assignment. Undercover agent for a traveling show.'


	152. Goodbye to you

Despite having agreed to it in some sense, Jack's stomach now roiled in protest.

He wanted to undo the decision.

Instead, he inhaled deeply and made his way over to the car.

'Do you have everything you need?'

'Yes,' she replied.

'Documents?'

'Torchwood sorted everything, new passports, licence, bank accounts.'

'I'll send you money.'

'Dont worry, Torchwood's sorted that too.'

'Daddy!' the little girl cried.

'Hey sunshine! Daddy's gotta stay here and take care of some things. I'll see you in a little bit.'

Lucia met his eyes, and he knew he wouldn't see her for a very long time.  


	153. On the bright side

There were more stars and stripes in the room than Jack had ever seen congregated in one spot since the war.

That was the problem with homeland security conferences, 50% British military, 30% U.N.I.T, 14% Home Office public servants and only 1% Torchwood.

‘Remind me again, why I couldn’t just send you to this thing?’ Jack asked.

‘I do believe that as the leader of the only active Torchwood office, your attendance is considered mandatory.’

‘Great,’ he huffed. ‘So what do we do for fun?’

‘Well, they did book us a very nice hotel suite.’

‘Ah, things are looking up!’


	154. In the dark

Andy had always wanted to be a policeman.

Even now he loved the job, but it had lost a little of its gloss when Gwen had left him to join Torchwood.

And despite now knowing what Torchwood did, and that his city was potentially full of creatures from other worlds, he felt like he knew less about what went on than before.  

Torchwood would stall him at every corner, every crime scene, always with some pithy excuse which left officers in the dark, and case files unresolved.

One day he'd get the better of Torchwood and their flashy Captain, he thought.


	155. A first meeting

She knew he was taking her to see the murderer, that's what he'd said.

When they stepped into the room she couldn't see anything, yet she knew she wasn't alone.  The presence of something lurking there in the dark caused her to tense and the hairs on the back of her neck to stand on end.  

The captain flicked a light switch and suddenly there it was. A creature first hidden in the darkness, now seemed to be darkness and evil itself.   

What was it? Fear and curiosity mingled together.

'It was born on a different world and it's real.'


	156. A lurking problem

'I'm not going,' Owen protested.

'Whyever not?'

'Because it's cold and dark and underground. God only knows what's down there.'

'That's kinda the point,' Jack retorted. 'All the rift spikes point to this location and this series of caves so whatever it is, it's down there somewhere.'

'I don't do tunnels.'

'The London Underground?'

'That's different!'

'Underground tunnels full of strange creatures,' Ianto observed.

'They're still human.'

'Mostly.'

Jack and Gwen began making loud clucking noises.  

'Fine Owen,' Jack replied. 'You stay here and be ready to stun or catch the creature once we flush it out.'

'Wait! I'm coming!'


	157. Keeping secrets

At first Gwen had thought maybe Jack was being genuine. Now she wasn’t at all sure.

She’d stared at the envelope before pulling its contents and was then interrupted by Andy’s phone call.

Now, sitting there in the café with the GPS it all became blindingly obvious. Who would’ve sent her a package? People didn’t even know where she worked.

Of course it had to have been Ianto.

Now it made sense.

He’d tried talking to Jack after their meeting. He knew something she didn’t, and Jack was intentionally keeping her in the dark about it.

What was their secret?


	158. Confronted

'And just so you know, I have a daughter called Alice and a grandson called Steven, and Frobisher took them hostage yesterday.'

It shouldn't have shocked Ianto, but he couldn't help the feeling of cold emptiness that clutched his heart at Jack's confession.

He was well aware that Jack had kept him in the dark about much of his past, but even something in his not so distant past caused Ianto to reevaluate just how transient their relationship was.  

If he was just a speck in time, what right did he really have to share in all of Jack's memories?


	159. Hidden

Ianto was creeping stealthily through the archives in near pitch darkness.  

'Marco,' he called quietly.

'Polo,' responded the familiar voice.

He was close by.

Ianto stopped and strained to hear Jack's movements, waiting for the soft rustling of clothing to give away his position. It was a hard ask. Still, this time he might yet outfox the fox.

'Marco,' he called again.

'Polo,' the voice replied loudly, now sounding far away.

How had he gotten that far away so quickly?

'Jack, if you're using your vortex manipulator to cheat, you'll be on decaf for a week.'

Arms suddenly grabbed him.

'Polo!'


	160. Bad day

Things hadn’t gotten off to a great start.

One of their current residents had slimed all over Gwen’s favourite sneakers when she tried to bring food down to their cell.

Later, she and Jack bungled their so-called coordinated attack to detain a rogue weevil, resulting in them crashing into one another, and the weevil slicing a hole in her jacket.

Later still, Owen and Ianto had been delayed coming back from Newport on a suspected ghost sighting, so coffee of any calibre was unavailable.

All they needed now was for the world to end.

Happy Birthday to me, Gwen thought.


	161. A sticky situation

Ianto was sat in the SUV trying desperately hard not to laugh.

'It's not funny,' ordered a grumpy Jack, hair still tangled in sticky mess.

Ianto burst out in a fit of laughter, unable to contain himself any longer as he looked across at Jack's face. Minutes passed before he could compose himself sufficiently.

'I've seen it in movies, but never actually thought someone could get a cream pie smashed in their face.'

'That Vraxian is not a registered refugee, not to mention his right to be entertaining at kids birthday parties.'

'He was quite entertaining.'

'You wanna walk home?'


	162. Under the guise of an enemy

Jack knew there were old friends, and there were old friends.

John Hart was the second kind. Actually, old fiend, would have been more accurate.

Part of him wanted to punch the man into the middle of the next galaxy, but if not for John,  he'd still be buried underneath modern Cardiff, or whatever was left of it after Gray had finished with it.  

Perhaps he had meant well in finding Gray. What happened after that was out of his control. He didn't have to come back, but he had. He'd saved Jack.

Perhaps old friends came in different guises.


	163. Reading between the lines

Ianto hadn't expected to run into any of his old friends from London. Not in Cardiff,  anyway.

'Ianto, mate, what are you doing back in Wales?'

'My job in  London didn’t work out.'

Daleks and cybermen destroyed Torchwood One and killed just about everyone.

'That's a shame. So, what are you doing now?'

'Government job. Admin mostly.'

Still working for Torchwood, fighting aliens, saving the world every other day.

'Good-o. Seeing anyone?'

'There's someone, just casual though.'

He's gorgeous, he's immortal, he's my boss, and we have the most amazing sex on the planet.

'Well, good seeing you!'

'Likewise.'


	164. Empty closet

He sat on the floor looking as forlorn as the boxes that sat on the floor with him.

After weeks that had felt like years he'd finally moved the boxes of Lisa's things from the closet. They hadn't even been opened since moving back to Cardiff.

They'd been boxes of hope waiting like unwrapped presents.

Having Lisa back would have been better than any Christmas.

The knock at the door broke him out of his despondent stupor. It was time.

He swallowed hard as he watched the last remnants of his old life disappear in the back of a truck.


	165. Boxing it up

Jack was reading over reports when Ianto entered his office unnoticed, and picked up Jack's coffee mug which was perched on top of a small box on his desk.

'Don't!' Jack cried.

But it was too late.

As soon as the weight was lifted from the box, it started moving across Jack's desk.

They both watched the bizarre spectacle.

'You didn't?' asked Ianto.

'I did,' Jack replied defiantly.

The box reached the end of the desk and toppled over the edge, displacing a slightly concussed Colin.  

'If that creepy little creature comes in here again, I'll feed him to Janet.'


	166. Buying in bulk

Ianto's fortnightly delivery of supplies arrived as usual.

What was unusual was the number of boxes. Far more than seemed necessary for what he'd ordered.

He extracted the delivery docket and compared it to his original purchase order.

Halfway down the page he stopped, and checked again. Did he need glasses? Who would order five thousand metal pencil sharpeners?

'Jack? Know anything about this?'

'Oh,  good they're here. Remember that creature we found in Cathays last week? It seems to have a taste for them.'

Ianto raised an eyebrow.

'And you know this how?'

'Trust me. You don't wanna know.'


	167. It's all about the packaging

Babysitting four year old Gwen and Owen was even harder than adult Gwen and Owen.

The hub was no place to keep small children, which meant the three of them spent more time stopping them causing havoc, than they did trying to fix the problem.

Jack was at the end of his tether, and stormed out of the hub.

'Where are you going?' asked Ianto.

Jack returned an hour later with a miniature playground set.

After that, peace descended on the hub.

'Did they like it?' Jack asked Ianto.

'No, but they've had hours of fun playing with the box.'


	168. Is this really necessary?

Jack had never been a fan of paperwork.

Luckily for him, Ianto handled most of the mundane stuff.  

Even so, certain things had to be done by him and him alone.

Write here, tick this, complete that.  

He'd been filing in the form for what felt like hours.  

Honestly, how many boxes could you put on a form? He was going to be here until midnight at this rate.

'How's it going?' Ianto asked, bringing him a fresh coffee.

'I'm still trying to figure out why we have to fill in a census form because we live at the hub!'


	169. Hit the road, Jack

Gwen watched Jack with scepticism.

If she tried really hard, she thought she could remember seeing one in her great uncle Huw's garage.

'Why are we bothering with this?' she asked.

'It fell through the rift. That kinda makes it our department.'

'No, what I mean is, it's just old earth rubbish.'

'It's a classic! 1927 Piccadilly roadster.'

'It's a relic!'

'It's gorgeous!'

'Maybe for some old dinosaur!'

'You mean an old dinosaur like me?' Jack grinned.

Gwen pouted at him.

'You know that's not what I meant.'

'We'll restore her. Can't wait to take Ianto out for a spin!'


	170. A matter of taste

'What did you say this was again?' Jack said, looking up from his plate across the table at Ianto.

Ianto huffed.  

'If you're going to be like this, I'll stop cooking for you.'

'No, no,' Jack apologised, 'I am genuinely interested.'

Ianto looked at him quizzically.

'Salt Marsh Lamb,' he answered, watching Jack, gauging his reaction.

'Huh,' Jack replied.

'Why?'

'Reminds me of the roasted dinosaur if had once.'

'After the asteroid crashed? You know, I always hoped you were lying when you said that.'

'When you're stuck at the end of the earth, you take what you can get.'


	171. More fool me

Tosh hates April Fool's Day, because at Torchwood it goes on for the better part of a week. No one is satisfied until they've sought revenge on the last person, or persons, who played a prank on them.

Worse still, whenever someone decides to up the ante, rather than it becoming more elaborate and sophisticated, it degrades into the most childish acts imaginable.

Super glue, whoopee cushions, permanent ink, screws missing from tables and chairs, there seems no end to it.

Eventually, a serious rift alert happens, and everyone reverts back to normal.

Tosh hopes it comes early this year.


	172. Getting your own back

The jar of caramel filled chocolates is a gift from Rhys. The only problem is that there are significantly fewer in the jar than the last time she looked. She also knows that a certain Captain has a very sweet tooth.

She wouldn't normally bother about it, but when Owen suggests his idea, some little vindictive part of her enjoys it.

She's left just one chocolate in the jar, knowing he's not beneath taking it.

Now the jar is empty and she waits.

A yelp issues from Jack's office.

'Hot! Hot! Water!'

That will be the chilli oil Owen injected.


	173. Beans means...

Ianto spends a lot of time buying coffee. And rightly so, because his taste is impeccable and only the best will do.

Despite that, he also spends an inordinate amount of time buying bad coffee.

Yes, when someone is being punished, only the very worst of the instant decaffeinated will suffice. He spends hours perusing the shelves of Asda and Sainsburys for the cheapest and nastiest tasting.

After all, would the team ever learn their lessons unless their punishment befit the crime? This was correcting bad behavior.

In Ianto's opinion, sometimes revenge was best served hot. With milk and sugar.


	174. What did you say? (Part one)

Owen arrived late as usual.

'Can I get you some balls, Owen?' Ianto greeted.

'Sorry?' He must have misheard.

'Balls. I imagine you must need some.'

Owen was about to deck him when Jack appeared.

'Ianto,' Jack said, frowning and handing him back his mug.

'What's wrong? I thought you liked my balls?'

Jack burst into laughter, so hard he had to wipe the tears from his eyes.

'What's going on?' Owen asked, as Ianto left.

'We went to a magic show last night. I convinced them to hypnotise him and replace the word "coffee" with "balls" for a week.'


	175. What did you say? (Part two)

The team took endless amusement in Ianto's predicament. More so because he himself had no idea he was even doing it.

It was a little cruel of Jack to have done it, but God it was funny.

'I'm just popping out to get some balls,' he declared, and they all fell into fits of laughter again.

'Why?' asked Owen.

'Have you seen what Jack's like when he doesn't have any balls?' Ianto replied, 'It's not pretty.'

The laughing became a crazed wailing. Gwen was slapping the desk hard.

They've lost it, he thought, not understanding what they were laughing about.


	176. What did you say? (Part three)

Later that afternoon Ianto was stood at the coffee machine, enjoying the patient artistry of fixing his favourite brew.

Jack came and joined him.

'Steaming hot balls. Could there be anything better?'

'No, I really don't think there could be,' Jack replied bemusedly.

'Can I get you some?'

'I'd love some balls, I mean, coffee,' Jack replied, correcting himself.

Ianto rolled his eyes at Jack.

'Can't you keep you mind out of your pants for just five minutes?'

'You do make it terribly hard.'

Jack hadn't realised the unintentional pun until Ianto slapped him.

'No more balls for you, now.'


	177. What did you say? (Part four)

Ianto only discovered Jack's prank by accident.  

He was reviewing CCTV from the past few days, wanting to know why the team were acting so strange. Alien gas maybe?

What he saw mortified him.

'Jack, do you care to explain this?' he asked, showing him the footage.

Jack laughed. It was still as funny as the first time.

'You remember that magician who did the hypnosis thing?'

'He hypnotised me and replaced the word balls with balls?!?'

Ianto squeezed his eyes shut. 'I just said it again didn't I?'

'Yup,' Jack said, grinning.

'Please tell me you can stop this.'


	178. What did you say? (Part five)

Ianto pondered his situation. It had surprised him just how often he used the word coffee every day. Now he needed to come up with a solution.

The time for plotting revenge on Jack would come later. Right now he had to get through the next few days with as much dignity as possible.

'What if I tried saying balls?' he asked.

Jack frowned at him in confusion.

'I'm guessing that didn't work?'

'What did you try to say?'

'I tried it in Welsh.'

'Nope, turns out your subconscious is too smart for your own good.'

'Damn it,' Ianto cursed.


	179. What did you say? (Part six)

Ianto's post hypnotic suggestion eventually wore off as promised after a week.

In the meantime he'd had to endure endless attempts by Owen and Jack to try and trick him into saying the word coffee. At least Gwen and Tosh sympathised.

It was only the disappointed sound of Owen that signalled the end of his torture.

'Ianto,  where are you hiding the biscuits these days?'

'In the cupboard, next to the coffee.'

'Bollocks.'

'Why?'

'You just said coffee. Must mean you're back to normal.'

'Good, because that's as close as you and Jack will get to coffee for a month.'  


	180. Waiting on the line

Jack stared intently at the device, blinking occasionally.

The tiny light blinked innocently back at him. He blinked back again.

Sometimes it felt as if they were in synch, then it changed. Was it blinking faster now or was that just his imagination?

He realised that this was all his fault.

‘Jack, what are you doing?’ Gwen asked, looking at him curiously as he stared at his phone sitting on the desk.

‘Ianto and I arranged a phone sex date while he’s in London at that UNIT conference. Only I forgot to charge my phone earlier and now it's dead!’


	181. Fighting off fear

Jack had resigned himself to the fact that Colin wasn't going anywhere.  

Ianto had taken a liking to him and that was that.

He was just going to have to get over his fear of spider mice.

He grabbed Colin's holding cage and placed it on his desk. Maybe some quality time together would help.

'Why don't you blink? That's just creepy.'

The bulbous little creature just stared back innocently.

'You think you can psych me out?' Jack growled softly.

Colin squeaked and it made Jack jump.

'You may have won this round, my friend, but I'll win the war.'


	182. Get a grip

'This thing's on the blink again,' muttered Owen, shaking the reinforced glass jar.

'Hey, watch what you're doing with that!' Jack yelled, casting a severe glance in Owen's direction.

'Yeah, yeah, don't get your knickers in a knot. All I'm saying is that the power on this thing is dodgy.'

'It'll be fine,' Jack reassured.

'Would help if I knew how it works properly.'

'It'll be fine,' Jack repeated.

'You ever going to tell me why we're keeping a hand? Whoever's it is?'

'It's important for the future.'

'A hand that can save the world?'

'More than you know, Owen.'


	183. Embrace the sunshine

They've been out here all night.

Despite the gloves, scarf, beanie and coat, Ianto is frozen right down to his bones.

The weather takes some getting used to, but perched on the edge of the coast, the icy chill of the wind coming off the Bristol Channel can destroy even the most resilient Welshman.

Finally darkness begins to give way to light, and the first shards of sunlight slash through the bitter cloud.

The rays, though weak, feel like a radiant heat against his body and renergise his waning spirit.

The feeling of cold melts away like a distant memory.


	184. Another day

Being confronted by aliens and having to save the planet from total destruction every other week, you'd think Torchwood operatives would have a better appreciation for the little things in life.

Unfortunately, it's just as easy, if not easier, for them to get caught up in the day to day minutiae of their lives and all its chaos.

It's only sitting here now, atop the Millennium Centre with its burnished copper glow and the sun just peaking over the horizon, casting a glittering light across the bay that they realise they've ensured the world is here to witness another sunrise.


	185. Something worth sacrificing

It's hard enough to get a proper night's sleep most nights working for Torchwood.

For Ianto it's even harder, because when everyone else goes home, he's still here tidying up after them.  

It doesn't help that he and Jack often make a late night of things all of their own accord. But when Jack is trying to haul him out of bed at 4am for no good reason, it's only the infectious joy on Jack's face that convinces him.

Watching the sunrise from atop the Millennium Centre, wrapped in Jack's arms, he decides it was worth forgoing the extra sleep.


	186. Three words

'I love you.'

'Don't.'

Jack couldn’t bring himself to say it back, because he knew it wouldn’t mean what it was meant to. It should have meant I love you with all my heart. Instead it would just mean goodbye, and he couldn’t.

He'd never said it properly before, and he didn't want this moment to be the memory he held of when he'd first said it. It didn't matter that his head was screaming it over and over and over again.

If this was the end, he wouldn't waste it with words. He loved Ianto too much for that.


	187. Head over heels (Part one)

Ianto hadn't seen it coming.

All of a sudden Gwen had pounced on him, shoving him against the wall, kissing him fiercely.

Ianto caught sight of Jack coming out of his office just as he'd managed to push Gwen away.

'I promise you, it's not what you think!' he exclaimed, flustered.

'Okay, so it's not that Gwen got too close to that pink alien box, soaked up a whole lot of pheromone receptors, is now completely enamored with you, and wants to shag the living daylights out of you?'

'Right, well in that case, it's exactly what you think, then.'


	188. Head over heels (Part two)

Gwen was refusing to go home. She wouldn't go anywhere unless Ianto was going with her, and her preference was a hotel room  with a very large bed.

Rhys was furious. It was all he could do to pull Gwen away from clinging on to Ianto.

'I like you mate, but if you so much as try anything with my Gwen, I'll rip your balls off.'

'Hey,' Jack intervened between the pair, 'no one is going to be touching Ianto's balls unless it's me.'

'Thanks, Jack. I never thought I'd actually be glad to hear you say that in public.'


	189. Head over heels (Part three)

Ianto had tried being nice about things, but it turned out there was only so much of Gwen's attentions he could put up with.  

More than once he'd thought he wouldn't have minded if she'd become attracted to Jack instead. He had enough sense these days not to encourage her further.  

He would have especially preferred it when she'd sat on his lap and shamelessly groped him. It was embarrassing and not at all turning him on, despite her determination and technique.

He shoved her away unapologetically.

'Having fun?' smirked Jack, enjoying the spectacle.

'Just shut up and fix this.'


	190. Head over heels (Part four)

The pheromone receptors eventually wore off of their own accord.  

Gwen was mightily embarrassed at her own behaviour and had been following Ianto around,  apologising at every opportunity. She'd also called Rhys to apologise, and had already booked them a nice hotel room of their own for the night, to make it up to him.

'I still can't believe that happened. If I'd known, I'd never have gone near that box. Lucky I picked you, I guess.'

'Just be glad Jack didn't want a threesome.'  

'No chance of that,' Gwen replied, 'I wouldn't have shared you.'

Ianto smiled. 'Apology accepted.'


	191. Defining love

Ianto had come to realise that there were different types of love.

For example, he loved the heady smell and rich bitter taste of coffee.

He loved when all of his reports sat completed and neatly stacked on his desk.

He loved being snuggled under the duvet on a rainy Sunday morning.

But loving Jack was something else entirely. It was like feeling all of those things simultaneously, as if Jack were the embodiment of happiness and warmth and security.

He'd have given up all those other things if it meant that he could keep Jack.

This was true love.


	192. Mystery disappearances

Ianto had become accustomed to most of Jack's histrionics and peculiarities, although he referred to them as "unique qualities" in conversation for the sake of politeness.

However sometimes things just got plain weird.

Like Saturday morning, when Jack had volunteered to sort the laundry. That in itself was weird. What came next was weirder still.

'Jack, why are you scanning my tumble dryer with your vortex manipulator?'

'My socks are missing. That's the third time in two months. Socks go in, socks never come back out. It's either aliens, or your tumble dryer contains a rift in the fabric of time.'


	193. Lost and found (Part one)

Plenty of junk fell through the rift. It wasn't the fun part of the job, but everything still had to be collected, tagged and archived, however mundane.

So an actual bag of rubbish was not appealing to any of the team for sorting out. Which is why it ended up on Ianto's desk.

It turned out to be more interesting than expected.

'Hey Jack, do you remember back in the eighties when they used to put photos of missing persons on the side of milk cartons?'

'Yeah,' he replied slowly, not sure where this was going.

'Apparently someone misses you.'


	194. Lost and found (Part two)

'Jackson Hywel? Really?' Ianto asked. The hair was a bit, well, eighties, but there was no question that it was Jack.

Jack could sense the inner eye-rolling.

'An American carrying a Welsh surname goes missing. No wonder they treated it as suspicious.'

'I did a lot of undercover work, and back then retcon was harder to manufacture, so we used it sparingly.'

Oh, the stories that Jack could tell. Ianto wanted to hear them all. But maybe another time.

'Which still leaves the question of who reported you missing to the police, and why it wasn't expunged from their files.'


	195. Lost and found (Part three)

The filing cabinet was covered in a thick layer of dust that didn't appreciate being disturbed by its visitors.  

'I though you were sorting out the archives,' Jack teased.

'I am, but I'm doing it chronologically, which means I'm still stuck in the forties.'

'Not a bad place to be stuck,' Jack replied, remembering his own jaunts though that particular decade. Several times over.

'I'd never have guessed,' he quipped. 'So, the MisPers report had you last seen 16 October 1982. Shouldn't be too hard to find out what you were working on.'

'Assuming I completed the paperwork.'

Ianto sighed.


	196. Lost and found (Part four)

Fortunately Jack had completed the paperwork.

'It's curious that the original MisPers report didn't make mention of who lodged it. I assume there was an additional police file opened, but tracking it down could be tricky.'

'For now let's just see what our reports say.'

There were about three dozen files spanning the period six months either side of the date, so they went through them all. They covered everything from a car boot that ate people, to an alien virus that compelled you to play golf at night.

'Oh, no.'

'What is it?'

'I know who reported me missing.'


	197. Lost and found (Part five)

Ianto looked over Jack's shoulder and skim read the report.

'I don't understand.'

'It's not this mission. This is what I was assigned to afterwards. The case I was investigating was off the books. I got pulled halfway and forced into deep cover. I never got a chance to say goodbye.'

'What happened?'

'Her name was Audrey. Her brother went missing down by the docks. Circumstances were very bizarre. I was helping her run down a few leads. Kind of a favour. Met her when she couldn't stop crying into the cup of coffee she was trying to serve me.'


	198. Lost and found (Part six)

A few hours of modern research confirmed that Audrey's brother had never been found.  Worse still, rift records for the period indicated the worst case scenario. A negative rift spike.

Jack ran a hand over his face. All the memories were dredging themselves back up again.  'We didn't know about them at the time, but it explains everything. Poor Audrey,' Jack sighed, saddened as much by her brother's disappearance from her life as his own.

'I don't know if it helps, Ianto began, but I've tracked down her address.'

'You think I should see her?'

'I think she should know.'


	199. Lost and found (Part seven)

The house was incredibly isolated out on the Pembrokeshire coast.

It reminded Jack of its owner. Full of loneliness and despair but trapped in a shell of exquisite beauty.

He let Ianto drive, his own mind too full of turbulent thoughts. He didn't like the past, and liked reliving it even less.

Now, here they both were, trying to eke out a living in a harsh environment that wouldn't let either of them have the peace they desired.

He knocked on the weather battered door.

The face that answered was older, but unchanged.

'Oh my God. It's you.'

'Hello Audrey.'


	200. Lost and found (Part eight)

She was surprisingly calm and welcoming, as if she'd known that one day Jack would return.  He explained about his immortality, and about Torchwood.

'Police must have thought me mad,' she said, pouring out the tea. 'First Neil, then you. I refused to believe the two weren't connected. I spent years searching for clues. Finally I let it go and got on with life. Moved here because the city held too many ghosts. Perhaps if I'd stayed,' she trailed off.

'I'm sorry Audrey. I didn't mean to leave without an explanation.'

He paused.

'We found out what happened to Neil.'


	201. Lost and found (Part nine)

'So this rift thing is like a doorway?' she asked.

'More or less, only there's no way of knowing what's on the other side, and it's changing all the time.'

'So Neil's out there somewhere?'

'Somewhere. He just can't come back.'

Jack didn't feel like mentioning Flat Holm. Better she thought he landed somewhere safe.

'Well I'm glad to hear, even if it took 26 years.'

'Did I mention I'm sorry?'

'Several times. But speaking of missing, how did you find me? Audrey Morgan hasn't existed for years.'

'Your pseudonym,' Ianto replied. 'You write some very lovely poetry, Ms Lewis.'


	202. Lost and found (Part ten)

'I still can't believe you put my face on the side of a milk carton!'

'What else could I do? All I had was your name and a photo. We barely knew each other.'

'I guess I should be thankful you cared,' he said placing a hand on her knee.

'Don't start your flirting, Jack. I'm an old woman.'

'Would I do that?'

'So you and Jack never?' Ianto left the question hanging.

'Gracious no! Don't get me wrong, he's a charmer, but always had his eye on the next conquest.'

'Not these days. I found what I was missing.'


	203. Nothing's missing

Jack waltzed through the hub, arms laden with shopping bags.

'Since when does Jack Harkness do the grocery run?' Owen asked.

'Since it's date night. Don't want to spoil the surprise.'

He unloaded the contents onto his desk. Whipped cream, chocolate sauce, marshmallows.

'Ooh! I love hot fudge sundaes!' cried Tosh excitedly.

Owen scoffed loudly. Bless Tosh, but she was naive sometimes.

'I don't think that's what he has in mind,' Owen replied, then added, 'you are a sick man Harkness. Don't expect me to stick around here for rift duty tonight.'

'Come on, you don't know what you're missing!'


	204. Missing each other

Rhys had learned to get used to Gwen's comings and goings. However the last few weeks they'd hardly seen each other.

Like ships in the night, they kept missing one another.

Rhys's alarm goes off at seven. Just as he's finishing off the last mouthful of toast he crosses paths with Gwen in  their hallway as she heads straight to bed, still in her filth covered clothes.

Later than afternoon, Gwen calls Rhys to let him know she's headed out again and probably won't return until morning. It's shepherd's pie for one again tonight.

Despite everything, he still loves her.


	205. Hidden words

Ianto knows his luck is going to run out sooner or later. So far he's managed to dodge several bullets, but he's also had plenty of close scrapes.

He knows how he feels about Jack. There's no ambivalence. It's just easier sometimes not to let the words get in the way. He's pretty sure Jack feels the same, but again, some doubts are better kept to yourself.

He sighs and grabs the edge of the page, tearing it cleanly from the spine, leaving no trace.

Chances are good that Jack's going to find his diary one day and read it.


	206. Battle scars

Oh, he thinks, Ianto is going to be so annoyed with me.

He's not even sure he knows how he's going to explain this one.

He fingers the tiny tear in his coat, careful not to make it worse.

His poor coat has been through a lot over the years. From a distance it looks bold and indestructible. It's only very close up you can see all the battle scars, and the skillful hands that have repaired and hidden most of the damage.

Having a master tailor's son on the payroll has proven to be one of his better decisions.


	207. Confounded

Tosh is ready to tear her hair out.  

She's handled all kinds of complicated alien tech, but this object has her utterly confounded.

She presses the button. Nothing. She presses it again.  Still nothing. Why won't it eject? What the hell is wrong with it?

Thick black smoke starts rising from it and she has no option but to disconnect it from the power source to prevent further damage.

It's not her usual style, but she growls loudly in frustration.

'Still can't get it to work?' Ianto asks gently.

'Stupid toaster. Third day in a row it's cremated my bread!'


	208. Corporate policy

Ianto's expense claim policy was simple. One form per employee per month. More often and he'd never get any real work done.

Most of it was mundane stuff, food and petrol. Ruined clothing came in a close second.  

He signed off Gwen and Tosh's claims immediately. They were honest and straightforward.

He cast a careful eye down Owen's list, noting the last item and the sudden change in penmanship, before taking the forms to Jack.

'Your expense claim has been rejected.'

Jack took the form, scrutinising it.

'This is Owen's.'

'Yes, but the glow in the dark condoms are yours.'


	209. What now?

His job application had just been rejected. The captain brushing him off.

He knew who he was, and that he'd worked for Torchwood One. That hadn't given him any sway. If anything, he seemed to rail against the idea of taking on anyone who'd worked there.

The coffee was there to cinch the deal. Although it had wowed, it hadn't gotten him over the line.

He hadn't expected it to be this hard. He'd done his homework and still the captain resolutely refused to let him in.

Lisa was depending on him.

Shit. Now what was he supposed to do?


	210. Help from above

Things had been tough since Johnny lost his foreman job five months ago. They'd gotten by so far but money was running thin.

Rhiannon hated having to take out a second mortgage. She already knew the bank would reject the application, but still she had to try.

As expected, the bank manager said no. What she didn't expect was his next question.

'Why don't you use your other account?'

'What other account?'

'Your brother left instructions to set up a trust account for your family. The proceeds from his estate equate to some three million pounds.'

She couldn't stop crying.


	211. In the red

Ianto cradled the handset between his shoulder and his ear.

'Expiry?'

'Eleven, sixteen.'

'And the CVC?'

'Three, five, three.'

'One moment.' The voice paused. 'Sorry, but payment's been rejected.'

Ianto flipped the card over and re-read the numbers out.

'Sorry, Sir, it says the card is overdrawn.'

He thanked her for her time and quickly pulled up the online statement. Their Torchwood credit card had a forty thousand pound limit.  How could they be overdrawn?

Ianto confronted Jack.

'I'm guessing our twenty five thousand pound trip to the Amalfi coast was meant to be a surprise?'

'Anniversary,' Jack replied sheepishly.


	212. Induction warning

Torchwood can be dangerous. It's one of the first things you learn. You also learn that the hub is huge. Massive, in fact.

But Jack will tell you two things when you first start.

Number one. Don't mess with the rift.

Number two. There's one thing in the hub that is deadlier than anything. No matter how big the hub is, no matter how well you think you can navigate the labyrinthine passages, it will find you and destroy you.

You can't escape it. Not ever.

Rule number two. Never get caught by Ianto bringing shop-bought coffee into the hub.


	213. Cuffed

Ianto lay there completely helpless. He could feel the metal cuffs wrapped tightly around his wrists. No matter how hard he pulled against them, they wouldn't budge, just biting into his skin even more deeply.

'Unless you're Harry Houdini, there's absolutely no way you're getting out of those,' said his captor.  

He continued to struggle regardless, trying to calm the frantic pounding of his heartbeat.

'Stop struggling,' came the instruction. 'There's no escape until I'm finished with you.'

He stilled his body as the sharp teeth bit into the tender skin of his neck.

He loved role play with Jack.


	214. Inescapable

Jack had been in plenty of tight scrapes over the years, but he'd escaped from them unscathed.  Many of them had been as a result of clever cunning and derring do, others were thanks to sheer dumb luck.

But no matter how hard he tried, there was always one thing he could never get away from.

Piled high on his desk were a series of manilla folders, each containing four thoroughly thought out and compiled mission reports, one for each member of the team, plus his own which would be added at the end.

Unfortunately, even immortals couldn't escape paperwork.


	215. Dressing in haste

Learning to dress quickly was a skill.

For Jack and Ianto, it had started off as a necessity in order to hide their fooling around from the rest of the team.

How often had footsteps suddenly been heard coming down a hallway, or around a corner when they thought they were safely alone?

Now though, it had become something of a game. Everyone knew about them, so when the footsteps starting ringing down the corridor, clothes were quickly grabbed. Only now they were grabbing each others, determined not to be the one left standing naked when company finally arrived.


	216. Unwarranted distraction

Ianto was struggling to keep pace with Tosh's report and the technical details she was going in to.

Undoubtedly Owen had already switched off, and Gwen was probably trying but failing in her own attempts.

The room felt thick with boredom. Then he felt something else.

He could feel it like it was crawling all over his skin.

It didn't take the skills of an empath to sense that Jack was undressing him with his eyes across the table.

All he knew was that he couldn’t make eye contact, because if he did, no one would be listening to Tosh.


	217. Get stripping

'Okay, everybody strip!' came Jack's order.

At first no one moved. They just stood there watching Jack stripping off all his clothes, careful not to touch the wet patches.

'Don't just stand there. Move!' he barked.

Had he completely lost his mind? They were a bit damp from that container explosion, but this was a bit much. Maybe the fumes had affected him.

'Ow!' Gwen exclaimed, feeling a burning on her leg.

'You've heard of acid rain, right? That stuff's ten times stronger. Clothes. Now!'

Suddenly they were all tearing off clothes.

'Lucky we're all friends, isn't it?' Gwen observed.


	218. Tough decisions

He laid the clothes out on the bed.

Charcoal pinstripe or plain? Pinstripe, besides, it fitted better. He must have lost weight.

Shirt and tie next. Pale blue shirt and grey tie? Hmm, Jack always wore pale blue, maybe he shouldn't.

Perhaps white shirt and grey tie? No, white was too boring.

Okay, what if you pick the blue tie with the white stripes, then you can wear the dark blue shirt? Possibility.

He spied the pink shirt. He hadn't been game to wear it yet. Then again, Jack was gone now, so what did it matter?

Pink it is.


	219. More than you deserve

Ianto looked at the paper cup sat on his desk.

'No one ever gets you a coffee.'

He couldn't understand why Tosh was being so nice to him after everything that had happened. Everything he'd done.

As it was he'd relegated himself to the upstairs office, so that the others wouldn't have to see his face. That Tosh was bringing them all in takeaway coffee was another sign. They didn't even trust him to make them coffee.

He picked up the cup and sipped the burning liquid. It was pretty awful, but then again perhaps that was all he deserved.


	220. Promises made

Jack was still staring at the sleeper's weapon when Ianto entered.

'Another lucky escape?'

'I should say so.'

'And these?' Ianto asked, showing him the impressive bloodied tears in the front and back of Jack's coat. 'Stabbed through the heart, at a guess.'

'Not so lucky,' Jack replied.

Ianto sat down across from him. 'Did you die?'

'Not until we got back in the car.'

'Jack!'

'Look, I'm sorry about the blood!'

'And once again, you've missed the point completely.'

Jack searched Ianto's stern expression.

'I'm sorry if my dying upsets you. But I'll keep coming back for you.'

'Promise?'

'Promise.'


	221. You're not alone

Tosh's heart leapt when the knock came at the door. She thrust it open.

'Oh! Ianto, it's just you.'

He tried not to look disappointed.

'Hoping it might be Tommy?' he asked gently.

'I know it's stupid. I just hoped that maybe he'd somehow found a way back.'

'It's not stupid. With everything we see, I wouldn't have put it past impossible either.'

'Thanks.' She couldn't express how much it meant for him to tell her she wasn't crazy.

'Is that pizza?'

'Tonight's not a night for being alone.'

'What about Jack?'

'Waiting downstairs for the okay.'

She smiled. 'Okay.'  


	222. Keeping company

Jack had been despondent since John's suicide.

Alone in the hub, he'd decided to drink himself into a stupor.

He didn't hear Ianto approach as he poured his third glass.

'Christmas Eve,' Ianto observed.

'Shouldn't you be visiting family, or last minute shopping, or whatever it is people do on Christmas Eve?'

'Shopping was done weeks ago. I'll see my family tomorrow night, after David and Mica have worn themselves out playing with their new toys.'

'Alone on Christmas Eve?'

'I've got you.'

'I'm not much company,' Jack sighed.

'After a few drinks I'm sure we'll both be just fine.'


	223. Taking a hint

Owen is used to weird.

It's not uncommon for his coworkers to be acting strangely, though it does make him  worry they've been taken over by aliens. This morning is no exception.

Gwen has complimented him on his choice of jeans, saying they frame his figure very nicely. Surprising after he superglued her mouse to the desk.

Then Tosh was babbling on something about his computer, and how his laptop had windows.

Strangest still was the comments Ianto made about lunch. Something about there being no cucumber in the salad, whatever that meant.   

'Owen, your fly's undone,' says Jack.

Oh.


	224. Taking a chance

Jack watches Ianto begin to rummage through desk drawers. He's meant to be searching the roof but he's rooted to the spot. The silence is awkward as Ianto tries to ignore him.

'How are you Ianto?'

'All the better for having you back, sir.'

Jack feels wounded. Well, what did you expect him to say? You left without a word just when things were getting interesting. Maybe he's moved on, met someone else.

'While I was away, I was thinking. Maybe we could, when this is all done...'

How hard could it be to ask him out on a date?


	225. Taking stock

Tosh looks excitedly at the large bouquet of flowers on her desk.

'To Tosh, love and apologies, Owen. They're from you!'

Owen laughs it off. That's so not his style, and he makes sure Tosh knows it. Now she feels embarrassed.

Wandering away back to his desk though, he pauses. They've just lost two days of memories.    
What could possibly have happened in the space of two days that would make him send flowers?

He looks across at her but she's already busy at her computer. He was pretty certain she's not his type, but now he's not so sure.


	226. Economizing space

'Ow!' Ianto groaned loudly.

'What?' asked Jack

'Just the door handle jabbing me painfully in the back.'

'Hang on a sec,' Jack said, squirming around to try and give Ianto more space.

'Is that better?'

Ianto shuffled his body, but stopped when Jack grimaced and groaned himself.

'It's okay, just my spleen,' Jack joked.

'You know, it always looks really romantic and comfy in the movies, but trying to have sex in the back of a car is actually very awkward and uncomfortable. Even in a car as big as this.'

'Probably doesn't help we're sharing it with a weevil.'

'Probably not.'


	227. Escaping the inevitable

Suzie liked living life hard and fast. Torchwood helped. There was never a dull moment. Anything that got the adrenaline pumping worked.

Problem was that it was also Torchwood that had now gotten her into this mess.

The gun shook slightly in her hand. If she gave herself up, Jack would lock her away. He'd try to rehabilitate her. That would be even worse.

Then when she was old and grey, he'd put her in a home where she'd mindlessly drool away her remaining days in senile oblivion.

No way. Suzie would go out with a bang, or die trying.


	228. Unable to escape

It wasn't vanity that made him move closer to the mirror. Something had caught his eye. Could it be? Maybe it was just a trick of the light. Closer inspection confirmed it. It was a grey hair.

Jack got so excited he almost pulled it out. If he did though, no one would believe him. Maybe his immortality was wearing off. He couldn't wait to tell Ianto.

For weeks afterwards, he checked religiously for more, but they never appeared. Perhaps he'd been wrong. Then he'd died again and he knew for certain.

Old age was not part of his destiny.


	229. Trendy

It had to happen one day, Ianto reasoned, scrolling down the screen and reading the text on his phone, as they travelled back to the hub.

'Congratulations,' he announced to his fellow passengers, 'we've officially become trendy. Well, trending to be exact.'  

'What do you mean?' asked Gwen.

'The flying unicorn at the Millennium Stadium? The rugby match that got cancelled? Trending massively on social media right now.'   

'We all nearly get killed and the unicorn gets all the glory?' Jack complained.

'Not exactly.'

'How's that?' asked Owen.

'Well, the top trending item on Twitter at the moment is #bloodyTorchwood.'


	230. Like no one is watching

It was the sort of quiet morning Saturday morning at the hub Ianto liked. With no one else there, he could happily mop without anyone getting underfoot.

He had the radio playing, a rare treat since he was alone. When the familiar beat started, he swung past and turned it up a little bit.

The mop came his unwilling dance partner as he twirled around, lost in the music and the moment.

Suddenly a hand grabbed his and spun him around, and he found himself face to face with Jack.

'Nice moves. Who knew you were such a party animal?'


	231. Clowning around

The sad painted clown face didn't do justice to the unimpressed expression hidden underneath.

'C'mon Ianto. Cheer up,' saidJack, his face painted with a huge red smile that only served to enhance Jack's own amusement. 'How often do you get to be the headline act at a kids birthday party?'

'Remind me again why we couldn't just feed them all isotonic cordial and hope the alien child turns purple?'

'Like I said, too hit and miss.'

Their conversation was interrupted by a small child tugging on Ianto's leg.

'Why are you so sad?'

'Because my boss doesn't pay me enough.'


	232. Secret surprise

Trying to keep a surprise birthday party a secret from Jack was almost impossible. He was incredibly nosy and forever tapping into their CCTV systems, spying on them as they went about their day.

'Teaboy deserves a medal,' Owen declared.

'What for?' Ianto asked warily, as he paused on the step ladder from hanging streamers.

'How you ever managed to keep a cyberman hidden here is beyond me. Twice Jack's nearly found the balloons and helium tank. Said he was conducting a random audit of Torchwood supply cupboards and provisions. Since when does Jack do audits?'

'I had to get Rhys to go pick up the cake when I found a tracker on my car,' added Gwen.

'I had to fake a power surge yesterday to stop him reviewing the rift predictor program, which would have told him that today should be alien free. No good if he thinks the weevil sighting in Splott is a ruse.'

'Do you think he suspects anything though?' Gwen asked.

'Took the bait didn't he?' Owen stated.  

Ianto's phone beeped.  

'He knows.'

'What did he say?'

'He says if we didn't get the giant bouncy castle this year he's going to be really disappointed.'


	233. Well spotted

Ianto swatted his hand away again.

'Don't scratch!'

'But it's itchy!' complained Jack.

Ianto fixed him with a firm look that said if he tried it again he'd have his hands bandaged.

Jack looked suitably miserable, tucked up in bed with dozens of unpleasant looking spots.

'I can't believe you've never had chickenpox. What happened to those 51st century genetics?'

'Never had anything like this in the future.'  

'Must be like polio. Once everyone's been vaccinated for so many years, and it disappears, no one bothers anymore.'

'This sucks. How much longer?'

'Should be gone in a week.'

'Stupid spots!'


	234. Ornithology

Jack stared despondently at the vista in front of them.

'How are we ever going to find it?' he moaned. 'An alien that looks like a seagull hiding on a beach full of seagulls!'

'Describe it again,' said Ianto, 'in detail. And don't say it looks like a seagull.'

'White feathers, grey wings, black tail, stripy red legs.'

Ianto raised his binoculars, carefully scanning the beach.

'There,' he pointed. 'Twenty yards ahead and four yards to the left.'

'Wow. How did you spot that? Are you some kind of closet bird watcher?'

'Nope, just read a lot of Where's Wally.'


	235. A spot of bother

It wasn't quite the private moment Ianto had been hoping for, pressed up against the wall in the utility closet of a local high school. Still,  that thing Jack was doing on his neck felt incredibly good.

Then he saw the blinking red light.

'Uh oh.'

'What?' Jack said, not stopping what he was doing. Only the end of the world would stop him at this point.

'We've been spotted.'

'Hmm?' Jack purred, not really listening.

'Motion sensor camera. You've got about twenty seconds to zip yourself up before the security guard finds us.'

'Maybe he'd like to join in.'


	236. Tasty delights

Ianto had been lying across Jack's chest earlier that morning, tracing fingers lazily across the rich, caramel coloured skin when the idea hit him.

He'd rushed out that morning as part of his usual errands and stopped at the supermarket. He couldn't wait for the day to be over.

Just as soon as he could, he had Jack pinned to the bed, and stripped of clothes. Out came the jar.  

Before Jack knew what was happening, his bare chest was being smothered in caramel sauce, with Ianto's tongue following shortly thereafter.

It was true. Jack really did taste like caramel.


	237. The source of the problem

Ianto knew they were in big trouble.

The creature had the most vicious expression on its face that he'd ever seen and it appeared to snarl at them, knowing they were cornered.

He knew Torchwood would cut his life short, but he'd never expected it to go down like this.

Then just as suddenly, it turned and sped away, disappearing across the room and out the door.

Ianto thanked the gods.

'That was lucky,' said Jack.

Ianto kicked him hard under the table.

'Ow! What was that for?'

'I can't believe you asked for tomato sauce at a French restaurant!'


	238. Dangerous addiction

Ianto knew Jack's obsession with tomato sauce was going to get him into trouble one day.

In fairness, he probably should have said something to Jack before going to the bathroom, knowing the food would arrive in his absence.

Instead, as he was approaching the table, he saw Jack about to stuff the dumpling into his mouth, covered in thick red sauce.

'No, wait, that's not,'

But it was too late.

At first nothing happened, then Jack's face turned an usual shade of purple and his eyes filled with tears.

'Ow! Ow! Ow! Hot! Hot!'

'Chilli sauce, not tomato sauce.'


	239. Trawling

Standing out the back of Happy Harry's Chinese restaurant, Jack hoped that the smell of the food inside was a whole lot better than the smell of the food outside.

The dumpster to be specific.

'There are days when I think the rift is purposefully vengeful,' he declared.

'Whatever makes you say that?' Ianto replied, busily snapping on a pair of marigolds.

'It could have dumped our mystery item anywhere, but it chose here.'

A young lady came out and dumped another bin load into the dumpster, looking at them strangely.

'We're not homeless!' Jack yelled at her retreating form.


	240. Sort it out

Gwen was taking her time in the kitchenette fixing herself a nice hot cup of tea to get her through the afternoon.

As she turned around to dispose of the tea bag, she found herself confronted by not one, but four bins, each with different coloured lids.

‘Ianto,’ she called, ‘what’s with all the bins?’

‘Torchwood’s new waste recycling policy. Yellow for paper, blue for plastics and glass, green for organic waste, and red for medical waste.’

‘What about this?’ asked Owen, holding up a severed Weevil hand.

‘Ah,’ he said, pulling another bin from the cupboard, ‘Purple for alien.’


	241. Fall from Grace

Jack watched glumly as Ianto reached for the box again. It was empty, so he quickly replaced it with another on the bedside table.

Honk! Sniffle.

'Not quite what I intended for your birthday surprise.'

'Paragliding was great up until the point where you crashed us into the lake.'

Jack looked devastated.

'But, if you hadn't unclipped me from my harness, we both would have drowned. Thankyou by the way.'

'What are immortal boyfriends for? I'm sorry I ruined your day.'

'Look on the bright side. Now I've got you waiting on me, for a change.'

'More soup?'

'Yes, please.'


	242. Don't look a gift horse

'I've got a surprise for you Owen,' said Jack.

'It better not be another autopsy. If I have to get covered in purple slime again, there'll be hell to pay. And now no table either,' he complained.

Jack lead him down to autopsy where a shiny new table stood.

'Figured I owed you one after we broke the last one.'

Ianto cleared his throat loudly, forcing Jack to backtrack.

'Sorry, after I broke the last one.'

'And what have we learned?' asked Owen.

'That this time we bought one strong enough to support both our weight, and a bit extra.'


	243. Birthday surprise

Gwen had been rushing around all day trying to organise Rhys's birthday dinner.

'Got the cake?' Jack asked as she was about to leave.

'Oh my God. I completely forgot!'

'Don't worry. You go home and I'll get a cake.'

'Thankyou!'

'Guess that's me off to buy cake,' sighed Ianto.

'Leave it to me,' Jack replied.

When Gwen opened the door, the cake that arrived was enormous.

'Gwen, you shouldn't have!' exclaimed Rhys.

Then a very naked Jack exploded from the top.

'Happy birthday Rhys!'

Gwen giggled at the look on Rhys's face.

'It's not funny, Gwen! Bloody hell, Jack!'


	244. Unpleasant surprise

It was the smell that alerted him to something being wrong. As soon as Jack rose from the bunker opening, it assaulted his nostrils.

He reluctantly went to investigate the odour, coming from his desk.

Lo and behold, under his desk was an unidentifiable pile of something horrendous.

'Ianto!' Jack yelled.

'What?'

'Your "little" pet has left a surprise under my desk.'

'She knows better than to do that.'

'Well, clearly not,' he complained.

'Wait, did Myf eat those donuts you left out last night? They have custard in them!'  

'Maybe?'

'You know custard makes her incontinent.'

'I do now!'


	245. Surprisingly good

The mug appearing on his desk was as much a surprise as the man standing next to it.

'This doesn't look like tea. Or smell like it,' Ianto commented.

'That's because it's not,' replied Jack.

'Please tell me you weren't messing around with my coffee machine.'

'Messing around implies I don't know what I'm doing.'

'Probably.'

'Just try it, please?'

Ianto looked at him skeptically and took a slow sip.

'Well, this is a surprise. It's not half bad.'

'See, all this time you thought I just wanted a snuggle when you made coffee. I was actually paying close attention.'


	246. Bedside manner

'Tell me again why you're doing this?' Ianto asked as Owen jabbed the needle into the crook of his arm.

'Because I do this every month, for every member of the team.'

'But why?'

'So I've got a baseline as to what constitutes normal for you, because God knows I don't think you're normal at the best of times.'

'Has anyone ever told you your bedside manner needs work?'

'All the time. Jack's asked for a lollipop after each blood test for three years running now. He still hasn't got one, so don't expect me to give you special treatment.'


	247. Awkward checkup

Jack puts up with Owen's medical tests because he knows Owen means well, and for all the ragging Jack gives him, getting to stick your boss with a large needle once a month is probably fair penance.

'So, do these blood tests show up STDs?' Jack asks.

'I don't even want to know why you're asking.'

'It'd be the medically responsible thing to do though, right?'

Owen huffs and looks up at Jack.

'I know I'll regret this, but just show me.'

'Huh?'

'Take off your pants.'

'Buy me dinner first.'

'You're not actually sick, are you?'

'Nope,' Jack grins.


	248. Bleeding out

It wasn't how Jack had planned for his evening to turn out.

As he lay there, paralysed and prone on the cold, wet Cardiff street, he could feel the hot, red liquid dripping out of the horrific wound. Each drop seeped into the dense wool of his coat, soaking it up.

Ianto would be furious with him when he found him, which shouldn't be long now.

There was so much blood.

'Do you do this on purpose?' Ianto complained.

'It's not my fault! He fell on top of me. He must be the heaviest damned weevil in all of Wales.'


	249. Desperate times

Ianto stormed into Jack's office, looking annoyed.

'What's thick and red, and almost impossible to get out of clothing?'

'Pasta sauce,' Jack answered quickly.

'Wrong,' Ianto replied, narrowing his eyes.

'Red wine.'

'Try again,' Ianto threatened.

'Strawberry jam?' Jack winced, bracing for impact.

'Three dry cleaners I've taken this coat to, and none of them can get it out!' he yelled, throwing the coat at Jack's head. 'Do you have some sort of 51st century indelible blood or something?'

Jack sat there stunned.

'There's only one cleaner in town who can fix this.'

Jack cringed. 'Crazy Bob.'

'Yes, Crazy Bob.'


	250. Testing times

It's Owen's favourite time of the month. Well, except for pay day. And holidays.

Jack's given him free reign to conduct whatever tests he likes, ensuring none of them have been inadvertently poisoned, possessed, probed, or permanently affected by anything Torchwood throws at them.

He pokes, prods, and punctures them, all in the name of medicine.

Monthly blood samples are a Dr Harper special. There's a whole database of samples, noting any month to month variances. It's how he knew Tosh's cold was really the flu, and that Ianto had an iron deficiency.

Now he knows that Gwen is expecting!


	251. All care, no responsibility

Andy Davidson didn't mind being a copper. After all, there were worse jobs.

Sure, he had to deal with drunken brawls, shoplifters, and snarky kids who had nothing better to do than give the force a piece of their mind.

On the flip side though, he didn't mind pulling an extra shift if it meant a free pass to watch the football on a Saturday afternoon, freeing up his Sunday for other things.

And best of all, when things got really weird, he could palm the whole mess off to Torchwood.  

Leave the spooky doo alien crap to them. Brilliant.


	252. Cleaning up

Andy decided to backtrack on his earlier statement that Torchwood could keep the weird alien stuff that happened in and around the city.

Honestly, he wouldn't mind, only they still left all the crappy stuff for the local police to deal with.

Nothing they wanted? Police can clean up the scene.

Someone dies a boring death? Let the police deal with the family and the coroner.

Police are first on the scene to cordon off the area and keep the public at bay. Then Torchwood swan in and take over. Never a word of thanks.

Torchwood were a right pain.


	253. Beyond the police

Dealing with the local constabulary had never been one of Jack's favourite parts of the job.  It was why he always tried to palm off the task of speaking to them to someone else.

Gwen or Tosh if he was feeling generous, Owen if he'd been having a bad day.

They always asked such stupid questions, and then couldn't understand why he told them to leave it to them to sort out. What did they think they could do about a serial killing alien with twelve legs and poisonous skin?

The "secret" part of secret organisation definitely had its downside.


	254. Same, but different

Gwen had loved her time in the police force, but Torchwood was something else completely. 

It had plenty of similarities as well. They still dealt with crime and incidents around the city,  only now, the criminals really were of the dangerous kind.

They still had to investigate and interrogate, and deal with the families of those caught up in whatever was going on.

There were still days when nothing much happened, and days when you wished it could be less crazy.

And there was still paperwork. Lots of it.

It wasn't the police force anymore, but some things never changed!


	255. Unexpected visitors

Andy was watching his partner rolling out the incident tape when the big black SUV rolled up.

He watched them all pile out in order. Gwen, looking attractive as ever, the snarky Londoner who claimed to be a doctor, the Asian girl with the laptop, and the tall quiet one, who he thought was a local.

Then there was their leader. That overstuffed, American git with his flashy smile and dramatic coat. What he wouldn’t give to be able to give that self-important twat a good kick up the backside.

‘Not alien, Gwen. Heart attack,’ he stated.

‘Hitchhiker,’ she replied.


	256. Unappealing revelation

He cringed, watching as their doctor dispassionately cut open the poor sod lying there dead on the ground with some sort of laser.

‘Sorry, when you say hitchhiker…?’ Andy asked Gwen.

‘Not him, the thing inside him.’

‘What?’

She didn’t have to explain. He saw the large black blob being pulled out of the guy’s stomach, and nearly emptied his own as they calmly placed it in a container.

‘That was inside him?’

‘Has been for years,’ added Toshiko.

‘Time to go people,’ Jack ordered.

They quickly packed up and Owen lasered the stomach closed again.

‘That’s just…’

‘Cool?’

‘Gross.’


	257. Open mouth, insert foot

Jack was surprised to see Ianto standing at his doorway, knocking politely.

'What can I do for you Ianto, or did you have some sixth sense that I could go another cup of that amazing coffee?'

'I just wanted to let you know I've finished sorting that paperwork, sir.'

'Already? That was supposed to take you hours. A chance to get used to our systems here in Cardiff.'

'Systems?' he replied coyly.

'Okay, lack of a system. But it works. We can't be as fancy as those shmucks in London.' He regretted it before he'd finished saying it.

'The dead shmucks?'

'Sorry.'


	258. Almost forgivable

It wasn't what Ianto expected when he'd started working for Torchwood. Their brazen captain was loud and audacious, gung-ho and reckless, charming and infuriating. He left the place in a mess, and would have run out of clean clothes in three days without someone there to wash them, rather than just buying new ones, and his table manners were utterly despicable.

In short, the man was a walking tornado of chaos.

But he had the most beautiful handwriting. Fancy, flowing script that graced page after page of old mission reports. Everything else could almost be forgiven for that exquisite penmanship.


	259. Necessary evil

Jack found Owen in autopsy, standing there listening to his own heartbeat. He also had a blood pressure cuff on one arm and a rubber tourniquet on the other.

'You know I hate it when you play doctor,' Jack stated.

'Scuse me. I am a doctor.'

'You know what I mean. Self diagnosing is a bad idea.'

'Why would I waste my time going to some fancy pants twat who calls himself a doctor?'

Gwen and Tosh appeared, Tosh holding her wrist.

'I think it's sprained.'

'Well, lucky we've got our own in-house, fancy pants doctor to sort you out.'


	260. Keeping it simple

Ianto was slumped over Jack's desk, head resting in his hands after a long day.

Jack came in, dropping the pile of glossy wedding magazines on the desk in front of him.

'What's that?' He asked, raising his head.

'Present from Gwen. She thought we might need inspiration.'

He slumped back down. 'I really don't want anything fancy. Couldn't we just elope?'

'I think that's a great idea, but we'll never live down the constant reminders from Gwen and your sister, that we ruined the day for them.'

'I thought it was meant to be our day?'

'It will be.'


	261. Perfect match

Gwen can't help but stare at her coworkers sometimes. It seems almost impossible that they could be a couple.

One is loud and outgoing, the other quiet and reserved. One throws themselves headlong into situations without a plan and regardless of the danger, the other equally brave, but with a plan and a contingency for everything.

They can go whole days without speaking to each other after having had a row about something ridiculous.

They're complete opposites and it makes no sense.

But then she sees them together, kissing, laughing and happy, and realises that they make a perfect pair.


	262. Paired up

'You said we were playing a game, but I'm failing to see the fun part,' Jack said, staring despondently into the laundry basket.

Ianto smiled. 'If I'd told you it was a chore, you wouldn't have offered to help.'

'Is it too late to back out now?' he asked, still pawing through the basket.

'Yup. Besides, it's only a few pairs of socks.'

'A few? It's a week's worth. A Torchwood week's worth. There must be nearly forty socks here.'

'That's only twenty pairs if you think about it.'

'Did you just mentally halve the workload?'

'Did it work?'

'No.'


	263. Missing half

Ianto was busily kissing Jack whilst his hands were engaged elsewhere. He'd become very adept at singlehandedly undoing Jack's belt and fly, having had plenty of practice.

Whilst their tongues were still exploring mouths, he slipped his hand down the front of Jack's pants. The feeling made him stop mid kiss. He pulled back and looked down where his hand had been.

'Why are you wearing a sock?'

'It's been freezing lately, in case you hadn't noticed.'

'But that's my sock!'

'Yours fit better.'

'I've been looking for that!'

'Look no more. Well, not at the sock, anyway,' Jack grinned.


	264. Better than gold

Jack wasn't sure if it was 51st century genetics, or just highly attuned senses, but the smell preceded the object. He breathed in deeply, trying to make it indelibly attached to the inside of his nostrils. That rich, bitter scent that sent chemicals racing around his body in anticipation of what was to come.

The only fragrance even more alluring and disorienting than the one pervading the room now, was the scent of the man who created it.

He sighed with contentment as the object was placed gently on his desk, aroma rising upwards.

Ianto's coffee was like liquid gold.


	265. Silence is golden

How much he loves Jack isn't in question. The fact of the matter is that Jack is a snorer. Not only that, but he's been snoring for the past hour, keeping Ianto awake, forced to listen to the chainsaw like inhalations coming from his lover.

Normally, the solution would be to wait until he rolled onto his other side. But in Jack's narrow cot, there's barely room for two of them as is.

Finally he feels Jack squirm and snuggle closer, snoring abating.

At last. Silence is golden, he thinks as he sighs with relief and lets sleep claim him.


	266. Being watched

She watches him carefully out of the corner of her eye. She hopes he doesn't notice. She's trying to be discreet. She can't quite explain why she feels attracted to him, but there's something under that gruff facade that she can't stop thinking about.

She presses up against the glass as soon as she hears his footsteps approaching, loving that he comes to check in on her regularly. The rest if them don't pay her that much attention, leaving her to her own devices.

She greets him in her most friendly voice.

'Grrrr to you to,' mutters Owen.

Bloody weevils.


	267. Man of mystery

Jack isn't used to not getting what he wants. Part of it is long years of looking after number one, and part of it is having gotten accustomed to being leader of Torchwood. When you're the leader, people are just supposed to do what you want, right?

Ianto Jones is proving to be the exception that proves the rule.

No matter how hard Jack flirts, there seems to be no way to ruffle that placid exterior. Worse is that Jack is finding that 'hard to get' game making him want Ianto more.

He wishes those particular feelings weren't so unrequited.


	268. Partnership woes

It's four miles from the hospital to the plass. But he's fit so it's not a hard ask to walk, and he could probably do with the exercise at his age.

Then it starts raining. Four miles seems to multiply out to ten in the freezing downpour.

Bloody Gwen. This wouldn't be happening if she hadn't taken off with the bloody car.

And still, he finds it almost impossible to be mad with her. Forget that she's got that lump of a boyfriend, he's sure he can wear her down eventually.

He just needs to get back to the car.


	269. Opposing forces

He checks himself over before proceeding further. It always feels reassuring to confirm he's still immortal before getting into a potentially dangerous situation, knowing he might need to rely on it.

He wonders if he shouldn't have brought Ianto along with him, instead of leaving him with the car. Backup might have helped ease tensions.

He stares through the restaurant front window and sees them. They're having such a good time he knows he's going to be in big trouble.

Unfortunately it's Rhys who catches sight of him first.

'No way. You said she had the night off. Bloody Torchwood!'


	270. A case of nerves

He had no idea why he was so nervous. It was just dinner after all, and they'd eaten dinner together plenty of times before. But for some reason his head kept tellilng him this time was different. This time he was going to do things properly.

This would be their first official, proprer date.

He adjusted his shirt collar again. If it wasn't right, Ianto was only going to adjust it for him anyway, but he wanted tonight to be special. Tonight he was treating them to something that wasn't Torchwood, wasn't employer and employee.

He prayed it went well.


	271. Double entendre

'I'll have the coq au vin,' he said, placing his order, and taking special care to pronounce the French as precisely as possible, winking at the man sitting across the table from him. He was such a tease.

A foot ran up Ianto's leg under the table when the waiter had left.

'Maybe after dinner we can have some more coq and vin back at the hotel.'

They had the whole long weekend ahead of them. A gift from the team.

'Ply me with enough vin, and you can have all the coq you want.'

'Maybe French kisses as well?'


	272. In hiding

Tosh had been looking forward to a quiet afternoon, working down in one of their server rooms at the hub. The last thing she expected to see was Jack running in looking frantic.

'What's wrong? Has something happened?'

'Everything's fine. Just if Ianto comes in here, tell him you haven't seen me,' he instructed, squeezing in behind a tall tower of equipment.

'What have you done?'

'Nothing! That cyclone generator accidentally went off and has destroyed the hub. It wasn't my fault!'

'Ianto will jump to that conclusion?'

'Jump to the conclusion? More likely leap the entire galaxy of possibilities!'

Continues in 'Found out'....


	273. Found out

He'd been down in the server room for hours, hiding from Ianto's wrath. He knew it wasn't going to be pretty, and would probably match the current state of the hub quite nicely.

Bored, with his leg cramping up, his mind drifted to the point where he was half asleep.

'Jack!'

Startled, Jack reacted unexpectedly, whacking his had back against the metal framework.

'Ow! Sweet Gods!'

'Sorry,' Ianto apologised. 'I didn't expect you to leap out of your skin. How's the head?'

'You're not mad at me?'

'Tosh told me what happened. Am I really that scary?'

'Oh, yeah.' 

Continues in 'Leaping to confusion'....


	274. Leaping to confusion

Ianto returned to the hub with a reluctant Jack. He still wasn't entirely convinced Ianto wasn't mad at him for the mess the hub was in. He could see Tosh and Owen already making headway on the disaster cleanup, feeling guilty for not helping.

'We managed to figure out why it went off,' he said, explaining how they'd analysed the cyclone generator after it stopped.

'What happened?'

'It was trying to download itself the past five years worth of weather data. It got confused when it tried to import data for February 29th.'

'Couldn't cope with a leap year?'

'Apparently not.' 

Continues in 'Messing up'....


	275. Messing up

It took several hours and a lot of rubbish bags, but finally the hub was back in a satisfactory condition. The cyclone generator had upended plenty of stuff, and broken equipment in the process. He suspected he'd still be finding odd bits of debris for days lodged in nooks and crannies.

'You really thought I was going to blame you for everything?' Ianto asked, still in disbelief at Jack's immediate reaction.

Jack was sheepish. 'I panicked.'

'Just once in a while, you should take a leap of faith and trust that I won't go completely mental when you mess up.'


	276. Burdened with regret

He held her hand. She was almost totally out of it because of the medications.

'He nearly found us today,' Ianto began.

'I don't know why he was down here, but I was almost about to open the door when he called out. Then he was standing right there. If he'd looked through the window, if he'd seen what we'd been doing... I couldn't let that happen. So I grabbed him and kissed him.'

He squeezed her hand harder.

'I'm sorry,' he kept repeating, as the memory continued running through his mind, unable to admit that he'd enjoyed kissing Jack.


	277. With pleasure

He looked like a bizarre medical experiment in a jar, albeit one that was filled with purple goop and the size of two telephone boxes.

The 'goop' was a sentient life form, and Jack was meant to be in there communicating with it. Only from the expression on his face, it didn't look like there was much talking going on.

Ianto huffed as he watched Jack's face, then noticed the prominence of his crotch area. He knocked loudly on the tank wall.

'Is there something you'd like to share with us?'

'With pleasure!' Jack groaned. 'Give me ten more minutes.'


	278. In denial

Ianto was still annoyed with Jack, bringing him coffee begrudgingly.

'Have you showered off all that purple creature now?' referring to the residue that covered him from head to toe after having conversed with it, establishing where it was from and how to send it back home.

'Three times,' Jack confirmed, though he'd been loathe to remove it. It had sent his body into sexual overdrive. He wished he could have bottled it.

'You're still mad, aren't you?'

'You were enjoying yourself just a little too much.'

'And watching me didn't make you a little bit horny?'

'No,' Ianto lied.


	279. Loose change

They walked up to the entrance of the National Museum of History.

'Good morning!' she greeted them cheerily. 'Two adults? That's eight pound fifty.'

Jack looked back at Ianto, receiving a roll of eyes, and fishing out his wallet.

Jack gave the young attendant his winning smile. 'I don't carry cash,' he confessed.

'Same here,' she admitted. 'Just a few odd coins in the glove box for the parking meter.'

'Jack doesn't need meter change,' Ianto added, 'most days you're lucky if he parks in a legal space to begin with. Paying for it would be too much to ask.'


	280. Worth the price

Ianto sulked as they sat down in their seats.

'Their prices are outrageous. Twelve pounds admission to see a movie? And one we probably won't see much of anyway? Why do we bother coming here?'

'I thought you enjoyed sitting in the back row and being naughty in the dark?'

'We don't have to pay for it at home.'

'There's also less chance of being caught out by complete strangers. Isn't that what makes it so thrilling?'

Jack had a point. He also couldn't be bothered arguing as the lights dimmed and Jack started groping the front of his trousers.


	281. Good coffee

'He drank my coffee!' Jack complained, watching the small black object zipping around his office.

'Colin doesn't drink coffee,' Ianto confirmed.

'Well he drank mine!'

'Why would he do that?' Ianto persisted, trying not to look at the blur of movement below his feet which was making him feel dizzy.

'I drink mine black.'

'I know that. I'm the one who makes it.'

'He's lactose intolerant. You all take coffee with milk.'

'Lactose intolerant? Don't mice eat cheese?'

'Just because we call him a spider mouse doesn't make him a rodent.'

'So what do we do? Start serving you decaf?'


	282. Cheers

Jack pulled the crystal stopper from the decanter and poured out two measures of amber liquid, passing a glass to Ianto.

'I don't think I've ever seen you drink,' he observed.

'Rough day,' Jack explained. Ianto had to agree.

'Have them often?' he asked, sipping the warm contents, grateful for the edge it seemed to take off his reality.

'More than I like,' he admitted.

'Is that why you don't drink? Too many bad days?'

'I just like to keep a clear head. Never know what's coming around the next corner.'

'Let's hope it's something good.'

'I'll drink to that.'


	283. In competition

'So what do you think?' Jack asked, crossing his arms.

Ianto considered it carefully.

'Well, it's, ah, much bigger than I expected.'

Jack grinned, pleased. 'You were expecting any different?'

'Er,' Ianto paused. He had hoped perhaps. In all honesty, he'd though that they'd probably be about the same size in the end.

'Mine feels a bit inadequate now,' he said, looking down despondently.

'Ha!' Jack laughed. 'Bet you never thought I'd beat you in a cake baking competition!'

'Mine might be smaller,' he argued, 'but I bet it tastes better.'

Jack grinned lasciviously. 

'Only one way to find out!'


	284. Heavy petting

'Jack, would you please stop stroking?'

Jack looked down at his lap, disappointed.

'You're no fun. Are you honestly going to tell me you'd be able to resting touching it?'

He had to admit, it was very tempting to reach out and touch it.

'We have work to do. We can't spend all day fooling around.'

Jack reluctantly stopped his stroking.

'Can we play with it later?'

'Maybe if you're good.'

Jack grinned like a big kid.

'Okay tiger,' he said, picking up the tiny black puppy off his lap. 'I promise we'll come back and play with you later.'


	285. Cock up

'Jack, for God's sake, would you put that bloody cock down!' Owen yelled.

'It has feelings too, Owen,' he yelled back. 'No one asked you to come in here anyway. If you have a problem with my cock, then go see Tosh and get her to fix things.'

'Don't bring Tosh into this!'

'It wasn't my fault. I was only thinking about a bigger cock. The device must have misunderstood me.'

'Try explaining that to Ianto.'

'At least it turned you into a rooster, not a... big cock.'

Ianto pecked him sharply.

'Ow! I'm just saying! Could have been worse!'


	286. Ratted out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fourteen drabbles, one story

'Every time I go down there, there's more of them!' Ianto complained.

'More what?'

'Rats!' he yelled. 'In my hub!'

'I think you'll actually find it's my hub,' Jack corrected him, and wishing he hadn't, based on the look he received.

'I can't work like this. I can put up with messy coworkers, and aliens with no sense of decorum and your table manners,'

'Hey!'

'But I draw the line at having the place crawling with vermin.'

'What do you suggest?'

'Surely we must have some kind of alien tech that handles pest control.'

'Let's go and find out then.'

 

Jack began rifling through a box of artifacts in the archives. Ianto was skeptical that Jack had any idea what was in the box and how it would help. Ianto hadn't yet sorted this area, so he had no idea if there was anything useful.

'Pretty sure I remember seeing it somewhere around here. Aha!' Jack said, brandishing something looking like an oversized egg beater.

'What's that?'

'Quantifiable decompressor. Don't worry Ianto, I'll have your vermin problem solved in no time.'

Ianto took a deep breath. Experience taught him that Jack's overconfident zealousness was often inversely proportionate to his success. 

 

'Bring forth your rats!' Jack declared as they entered the lower section of the hub.

'They don't exactly appear on cue, and we can't spend all day down here picking them off one by one with, what is that thing?'

'We only need one. This ray will detect any other rats within fifty yards. When I zap one of them, the rest automatically shrink down to a more manageable number. They use these in the freight industry. Just imagine if you could shrink an entire bag of rice into a single grain.'

'So we'll still have rats, just less?'

'Exactly.'

 

They didn't have to wait long for one of their furry friends to make an appearance, scuttling down the edge of the corridor, oblivious to them.

'Here goes nothing,' Jack said, activating the ray gun, a bright blue light striking the rodent.

'Job done,' Jack said, picking up the creature by the tail.

'How will we know it worked?' Ianto asked, scrunching his nose as Jack dangled it in front of him.

'Less rats? There's not much more to it. Now what say we get rid of this guy and then you can reward me for a job well done?'

 

For days, Ianto was pleased at being able to work in the archives without hide nor hair of a single rodent. Then he found one.

'Jack, we have a problem. A big problem.'

'What is it?'

'A rat.'

'I told you'd there'd still be a few. What's the big deal?'

'Remember that bag of rice analogy? This rat is the size of the whole bag of rice.'

Jack came to meet Ianto downstairs, finding him hiding behind a large crate.

'Where's the rat?'

'There,' pointing at the huge, Clydesdale sized creature

'I think we're going to need a bigger mousetrap.'

 

'I thought you said it got rid of the rats?'

'Consolidated them into a smaller number to be more precise.'

'Consolidated them into one giant bloody rat more like!'

'It must have been broken when it fell through the rift,' Jack explained.

'And you didn't check first?'

Jack ignored Ianto's chastising. 'We can just reverse it.'

'Oh, no. I do not want two hundred regular sized rats everywhere again. Think of something else.'

'Okay, I think we have a shrink ray somewhere. We shrink the giant rat and problem solved.'

'Is that humane?'

'You're seriously worried about it being humane?'

 

'Are we sure there's only one of them?' Ianto asked.

'Well, since the one we caught didn't react like that, and this is the only one we've seen, I think it's safe to say they've all consolidated into this one.'

'Good, just checking.'

They stalked the large rodent to a quiet corner of the archives where it was munching on something unidentifiable.

'Here goes,' Jack said, zapping the rat.

Instead of shrinking, the rat seemed to get larger and larger.

'It's not working,' Jack stated.

'Yes it is,' Ianto exclaimed. 'Only it's us that are getting smaller, not the rat!' 

 

'I don't understand what went wrong,' Jack said, now no taller than a soda can.

'Could one ray beam affect the other? Some kind of bounce back or interference?'

'It's possible, I suppose,' Jack conceded.

'So how do we unshrink ourselves?'

'The trigger on the beam is too large for us to push. We're going to have to make it upstairs and find one of the others to fix it.'

'Great. And in the meantime, we have to cover the equivalent distance of miles and miles of corridors and stairs.'

'And also not get eaten by Ratty McCheeseface, here.'

'Excellent!'

 

Ianto grunted with effort. Jack had given him a leg up to help reach the top of the step, but now he had to pull himself the rest of the way up, and then somehow pull Jack up as well. And then do it all over again. Nine times.

'Next time you say you can fix something, remind me to tie you to your chair!'

'I was only trying to help,' Jack replied, grabbing Ianto's hand and scrambling up the rough concrete. How rats ever managed it was beyond him.

'Stick to looking dashing and flirting. You're good at that.'

 

On their travels back to the hub, they came across another rat, this one normal sized. Well, normal compared to the giant one. It was still as tall as their shoulders in their shrunken state.

'Must be a newcomer,' Jack observed. 'Can't have been here when we zapped the other one.'

'I'm beginning to feel as if life as a rat is harder than it looks,' Ianto confessed.

'Don't tell me you sympathise with them now?'

'No, but I'm not about to hit one with my shoe anytime soon either.'

'Should I be craving cheese?'

'Are you?'

'No.'

Ianto sighed. 

 

Exhausted and grimy, they finally reached the main hub. Tosh was still there. Bless her for working so hard.

She heard the tiny squeaking voices and caught sight of them.

'Is that really you?'

'Yes Tosh, it's us. We need you to fetch the shrink ray from the archives and reverse it.'

'Okay, you're going to have to give me directions.' She scooped them both carefully into her hand.

'You're both so cute. Like little action figures.'

'Mock us later. And take your gun with you. You'll need it for the giant rat.'

'Giant rat?'

'We'll explain on the way.'

 

They didn't even make it as far as the archives before running into their big problem. Obviously it had gone exploring for food, the archives, lacking in edible items for a creature this size.

'You're going to have to shoot it, Tosh.'

'Isn't there a more humane way?'

'We tried humane. Look how that panned out,' Ianto replied dryly.

'I can't! We'll figure out another way.'

She slowly and carefully edged her way past. The rat didn't seem to care, any more than it had Jack and Ianto when they were fifty times bigger than it.

'Animal lover,' Jack commented. 

 

Tosh found the shrink gun right where Jack had dropped it. A few minutes of careful calibration and Tosh had the pair of them back to their full size.

'Thanks, Tosh,' Jack said gratefully. 'That's one problem sorted out. Now all we have to do is get rid of Ratty. I have an idea.'

'Oh, no you don't,' Ianto declared. 'No more ideas from you today. You've caused quite enough trouble. Tosh, what do you suggest?'

'Tranquiliser? Then maybe Owen could put it down humanely?'

'Excellent. A nice sensible plan that doesn't involve alien tech.'

Jack looked suitably put out. 

 

A few hours later, Owen had done the deed, euthanising the enormous rodent. Whilst he was in the process of disposing of the corpse, Ianto had taken the liberty of confiscating the shrink ray and the decompressor, locking them away in secure archives where Jack wouldn't be tempted to use them again.

'But what about your rat problem?' Jack asked.

'I think I'll stick to traditional methods. Rat bait and traps. Plus, Tosh is developing an electrical field generator. Owen says that certain frequencies upset rodents. Should be enough to keep them away.'

'So no more rats?'

'No more rats.'


	287. Testing patience

Tosh was lying on the ground, having been knocked unconscious by the wayward alien.

Owen was kneeling by her side as she remained consciousness, checking her over for other injuries.

'Tosh, darling, tell me how many fingers am I holding up?'

She frowned at Owen's hand, or was it hands?

'Ten?'

'Try taking seven off that figure.' He held his hand as steady as possible.

'Four?'

He tried not to look worried or annoyed.

Jack interceded, kneeling beside her. 'Tosh, what's the cubed root of twenty seven?'

'Three,' she answered immediately.

He grinned at Owen. 'She's fine.'

'Thankyou Dr Harkness.'


	288. Resisting temptation

Gwen sauntered into Jack's office, a donut one hand, coffee in the other.

'Morning!' she greeted him cheerily

'I see you've found the donuts,' he remarked.

'Are you on a diet or something? There was still a full box of ten when I arrived.'

'Good to see that replenishment field is working a treat. I've already had four.'

She frowned.

'Didn't you notice the box still had ten after you took one?'

'I wasn't counting,' she admitted.

'Just don't tell Ianto. He's bet that I can't give up donuts for a week and left the box there to tempt me.'


	289. Meeting Ten

'So that was your Doctor,' Ianto asked tentatively when Jack returned from London.

'Ten? Yeah.'

'Ten?'

'Oh, I meant as in tenth regeneration. Helps to keep track of which one you're dealing with. All of them have visited Earth at some point.'

'So you met "Ten" back in the forties?'

'Actually I met "Nine", but he regenerated the day I died and became immortal. I met "Ten" during the year that never was.'

'Sounds complicated.'

'You get used to it.'

'He looks younger than I expected,' echoing Gwen's earlier comment.

'Jealous?'

'Maybe.'

'Don't be. I'll always come back for you.'


	290. The ten commandments (according to Jack)

 

1\. Thou shall make coffee always

2\. Thou shall not put the needs of Myfanwy above those of the boss

 ~~3\. Thou shall wear only suits, or nothing at all~~  

3\. Thou shall wear nothing at all

4\. Thou shall not use my name in vain, except in bed.

5\. Thou shall do unto others in bed, as others have done unto you

6\. Thou shall not steal the boss's donuts

7\. Thou shall not serve decaf as punishment

8\. Thou shall hold no other lover before me, unless it's a threesome

9\. Thou shall not kill, unless it's the alarm clock  

10\. Remember the rift and don't mess with it.


	291. A lesson in vanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fifteen drabbles, one story

On a quiet Sunday morning, Ianto had finally succeeded in dragging Jack down to the archives to help clear a massive backlog of old earth paraphernalia. It was safe from residual rift energy, having been down here long enough to have disappated completely, but Jack got the final say so on whether it could be safely unleashed to charity shops.

Ianto pulled out a small hand mirror from the box.

'Junk?'

'I don't know, the guy in it is pretty good looking.' He turned it towards Ianto. 'He's not half bad either.'

'Junk,' Ianto confirmed, frowning at his own reflection.

 

Jack was bored of trawling through rubbish in the archives. Ianto's company was the only concession to the task. He gave the hand mirror one last glance before tossing it in the box destined for the tip. It wasn't good enough charity, he decided.

Ianto's head spun at the sound. The mirror lay there now on the top of the pile in the crate, a large crack running down its centre.

'That's seven years bad luck,' he noted.

Jack scoffed at him. 'You and your stupid Earth superstitions. Besides, what's seven years bad luck when you've got all of eternity?'

 

 

Ianto was carrying the tray of coffee and breakfast into Jack's office when he noticed something missing. Jack.

'Are you still down there?' he called through the hole down to Jack's bunker.

'I need your opinion,' Jack called back.

He climbed down the ladder and found Jack still in the bathroom, studying himself in the large mirror.

'Is it me or are there more grey hairs this morning?'

Ianto sighed. 'You're over a hundred years old. In twenty years time there won't be a hair on my head that isn't grey, and you'll still be fussing about one grey hair.'

 

Ianto ignored Jack's complaints about his appearance all morning. Honestly, the man could be so vain sometimes! However, by late afternoon it became clear that perhaps Jack's objections were not so ill founded. He did seem to look a bit older, and the grey hairs were indeed more noticeable.

'Could your immortality be wearing off?' Gwen suggested.

'You think after all this time it's just decided to switch itself off, and now my body is playing catch up?'

Neither of them had an answer, and neither of them wanted to consider it a possibility.

'Let's not get ahead of ourselves.'

 

 

It was disconcerting watching Jack change almost before their eyes. It couldn't be said that he was aging gracefully either. Where once had stood a handsome man, now he was becoming grey and wizened, his body shrinking and growing less toned, muscle withering. Hair, first grey, then thinning out and balding in patches. Sharp blue eyes turned cloudy and watery, and strong firm hands shriveled, becoming gnarled. Only his voice remained firm and warm, in contradiction to the rest of his body.

'I'm a giant prune,' he sighed, medical tests having come up empty.

'You're still my prune,' Ianto replied.

 

 

Apart from his appearance, Jack seemed otherwise fine, still as energetic as always. It seemed that the aging process had come to a standstill, though how could he have possibly aged further anyway?

After two weeks stuck in his senior citizen shell, Jack was feeling thoroughly down. Ianto tried to cheer him up by taking him to the movies with the promise that he could do whatever he liked in the dark. Instead the attendant praised Ianto for taking his grandfather out for the day.

'You're grandson is a good boy, isn't he?'

'One in a million,' Jack replied sadly.

 

 

Jack's mood hadn't improved. Gwen and Ianto were trying their best to keep him occupied and take his mind off it. Unfortunately the rift chose now to be inactive, so Ianto had once again wrangled Jack into mindless chores.

They carried the crates of junk between them from the archives and loaded them into the SUV.

'Nice day for a drive down to the tip,' Ianto commented.

'Maybe you should leave me there while you're at it.'

'Stop moaning.'

Jack sighed looking down at the contents of the box, seeing the broken mirror.

'So much for seven years bad luck.'

 

 

Ianto came to a halt, causing Jack to stumble slightly at the arrested motion of the box.

'Hang on, this all started the day you broke that mirror.'

'You think the mirror did this?' he asked skeptically.

'I don't know. Let me go consult my cursed objects almanac,' Ianto replied sarcastically, having been infected with Jack's mood. Plenty of weird stuff happened at Torchwood, who was Jack to question the theory?

'I suppose it's worth considering,' Jack said, feeling a slight lift in mood that perhaps there was an explanation for his condition after all, and perhaps also a solution.

 

 

The mirror lay on Jack's desk between them. They'd run all kinds of scans on it but couldn't find anything. It seemed to be just a plain old mirror, now broken.

'Maybe I was wrong,' Ianto admitted. 'I guess my brain just wanted a way to fix this.'

'It's okay,' Jack said reaching out a hand across the desk.

Ianto looked down at it, catching Jack's reflection in the angle off the desk.

'Hey! You're you!' he exclaimed, but when he looked back up at Jack he was still old.

'What are you talking about?'

'I saw the old you.'

 

 

Jack was confused. Was Ianto trying to be funny?

'The old me?' he asked.

'Well, not old as in old,' Ianto tried to explain. 'Just look.'

'Maybe you shouldn't,' Jack suggested, turning the mirror over on the desk. 'I know we didn't find anything, but I'd prefer you didn't look at it. Just as a precaution.'

'Then you look at it,' he instructed, turning it over again.

Jack leaned over it and considered his reflection, old and ugly. He frowned at it, like all the years of his life were stacked on top of one another.

'Still old,' he confirmed.

 

 

Ianto was frustrated. He was sure he hadn't imagined it. He took hold of the mirror and looked hard at it, Jack's warnings be damned. His own reflection showed nothing out of the ordinary. He angled it back towards Jack, seeing his beautiful immortal lover's image, young again. Why couldn't Jack see it? He thought hard.

'When you first looked, you saw your normal reflection, right?'

'Yeah,' Jack agreed.

'And then this happened. But I looked that day too. Why didn't anything happen to me?'

'You're not one hundred and seventy years old.'

'It just feels like that some days.'

 

 

Jack chanced a glance at Ianto's reflection. It seemed normal. Just him then. How had he gone from matinee idol to matinee nap time?

'What if when you looked at it, it saw your true reflection and changed you? But that still doesn't explain why you look fine to me.'

'Thanks for the ego boost,' Jack replied.

'Wait, that's it. You made a joke about your looks when you looked into it. What if this is punishment for being vain?'

'I'm not vain!'

Ianto fixed him with a withering look.

'Okay, maybe a little bit. So what do we do?'

 

'Maybe you need to show it the real you,' Ianto suggested.

'Even if that's true, it's broken now.'

'Is it though?'

Ianto had a point. It did still seem to be showing them different things. He picked up the mirror and stared hard into the cracked surface, not really sure what he was doing. The real him was probably even worse than the ancient him. He'd done so many horrible things in his long life that he was convinced that the real him was a monster. If this was a punishment, maybe it was no less than he truly deserved. 

 

'It's working!' Ianto cried.

Jack blinked in confusion. He'd been concentrating hard, so lost in self loathing that he'd stopped seeing the image in the silvery glass as it changed. The withered hand that wrapped around the ornate handle became strong and firm once more. The rest of his body conformed and reverted back to its handsome, immortal self.

'How did you get it to finally work?'

Jack wasn't sure if he should say it. Then again, he owed it to Ianto to explain.

'I stopped trying to see myself, and tried to see myself the way you see me.'

 

With the mirror now safely locked away in the secure archives, they spent the rest of the evening making up for lost time, both revisiting and enjoying the pleasures of Jack's youthful physique.

As Ianto was adjusting his tie in the bathroom mirror the following morning, he found strong, warm arms wrap around his torso. Jack's head was resting on his shoulder, staring back at him with a silly contented look.

'I thought you were done with mirrors?' Ianto said.

'I am, but that doesn't mean I don't still think we're the sexiest couple in all of Wales. Britain even.'


	292. Alternative methods

'Remind me again why were taking the train?' Jack asked.

'Because the conference is for three days and the others will probably need the SUV while we're away. Besides, parking in London is atrocious, and the SUV wouldn't fit half the spaces anyway.'

'But trains, really?'

Ianto just shook his head.

'Isn't it nice just to be able to sit back and watch the countryside swirl by? No having to concentrate on the road, no stress, no tolls, no trucks, no traffic lights.'

'No laybys to pull over for some private time with your boyfriend.'

'Trust you to find a downside.'


	293. Repeat after me

Accidentally electrocuted fixing their duplicator ray with Tosh, Owen was now suffering from an uncontrollable need to repeat anything that was said.

'He's completely destroying my train of thought!' Jack complained, interrupted for the umpteenth time by their new parrot. 'I'm about to lock him up in the cells just for a bit of peace and quiet.'

Ianto figured out the perfect solution.

He had to finish a stocktake of their supplies. Owen could repeat back the numbers to him so he could check them off on his list.

'Sixteen canisters of liquid nitrogen.'

'Sixteen canisters of liquid nitrogen. Check.'


	294. In training

Gwen looked curiously at Ianto as he unburdened himself from the shopping bags.

'Did you buy up half the store?'

'No, just their entire stock of frozen blueberry and apple pies.'

'Okay,' Gwen said slowly, waiting for further explanation.

'Can I just say I don't condone this in any way?'

'Condone what?'

'Jack's training for a pie eating competition.'

'Why?'

'Why does Jack do anything around here? Will it annoy Ianto? Most likely. Good, let's do it. He thinks he can win a year's worth of free pies.'

'Well, let's hope he doesn't tell Rhys or they'll be training together.'


	295. Uniformity

'We're pretty casual around here,' Jack said. 'You don't have to wear a corporate uniform, much as I love those suits.'

'That's okay, sir. I don't mind,' Ianto replied.

'I'm just saying you don't have to wait the same thing every day.'

'You do.'

'I'm old fashioned.'

'They say the clothes make the man.'

Jack knew he wore the same clothes not only because they were comfortable, but because they formed the image he wanted to portray to the world. It was the armour he donned before he faced the day. Perhaps Ianto was protecting himself in the same way.


	296. Teamwork

It was a joint UNIT/ Torchwood training exercise, though Jack couldn't see the need for one. In a real emergency scenario, UNIT would stick to their military tactics and uniform precision, whilst Torchwood would operate under their normal, undisciplined style.

Jack was annoyed not to be at least partaking, forced to sit on the sidelines and review the exercise with the brigadier. In a real situation, he'd be out there with them, not commanding them from afar.

'A bit of a rabble out there, Captain. Seat of your pants stuff,' the brigadier commented.

'I trust those people with my life.'


	297. In uniform

Jack wouldn't be at this conference, but the opportunity to see Martha Jones was worth it. Despite that, he seemed distracted.

'Jack! Are you even listening to me?'

'Huh?' he said, tearing his eyes away from the group of young soldiers passing by.

'Eyes here, thank you,' she commanded. 'You've got a boyfriend in case your forgotten.'

'Oh, I haven't forgotten. It's just everytime I see those red caps, I can't help but remember the night Ianto played dress up. I don't think I ever properly thanked you for that little present.'

'I really don't need to know the details.'


	298. On display

A quiet afternoon at the museum seemed the perfect way to spend a well earned day off after weeks without any respite.

Out of the blue, they were approached by three Japanese tourists who gabbled excitedly at Jack.

'They want to take a photo with you,' Ianto translated, pleased that Tosh's lessons had paid off.

Jack, show pony that he was, was happy to oblige.

'What do you suppose that was all about?'

As the entered the next room, it became obvious.

'Centenary of the Great War. With your uniform they must have thought your were part of the exhibition.'


	299. Growing up - Jack Harkness

Some kids had to learn to grow up fast. Jack was one of them.

From the day they lost his father and brother, life was hard. His mother received a bereavement pension, but it was small, and they'd always lived on the frugal side.

Becoming the man of the house at an early age changed him. He still played with the other kids sometimes, but it seemed more like they didn't want to play with him. He'd grown brooding and serious, which unnerved them.

He knew he was different now, so when the Time Agency came calling, he didn't hesitate.


	300. Growing up - Toshiko Sato

Approval from one's parents meant everything in Japanese culture. Tosh had always known that growing up.

She'd been taught that she should have pride in what she did. She should study hard, get a good job, earn the respect of her colleagues, care for her family, and then everything else would fall into place. A respectable husband and family would be her reward.

What would her family think of the woman she'd grown into? She'd worked hard, gotten a good job, and was highly respected by her colleagues. But marriage? That seemed more alien than anything she encountered at work.


	301. Growing up - Owen Harper

No one else in his family aspired to be anything special. Both his brother and sister were content with mediocrity, boring marriages and the daily grind. Not Owen.

He'd always been picked on, being the runt. Now he'd give them all the finger and go stamp his authority onto the world.

He grew up more in those five years at medical school than he thought possible. He learned to develop a tough exterior, lacking in emotions, capable of taking control of high pressure situations. Those skills served him well as a junior doctor in A&E. 

At Torchwood they'd become vital.


	302. Growing up - Gwen Cooper

Gwen could never say she hadn't had everything a kid could hope for growing up. She had a loving family, plenty of friends and a busy social calendar. She was captain of the netball team, her naturally bossy demeanor suited to taking charge, whipping up teammates into a frenzy.

She'd thought the police would be more of the same, but she discovered that she was on the receiving end of orders more often than not, and not always from senior officers.

It all paled in comparison to the growing up she'd had to do the day she met Jack Harkness.


	303. Growing up - Ianto Jones

Graffiti, gangs, domestic violence, drugs, alcohol, theft, poverty. If you grew up on an estate, you just came to expect those things. Kids didn't have proper childhoods surrounded by that. You either learned to steer clear to survive it, or it sucked you under.

They lived on the nicer part of the estate, but Ianto couldn't avoid it. He was angry with his father, seemingly never pleased with his efforts. It grew and festered inside him until he couldn't take it anymore.

Getting caught up with a gang spared him being in the house, but robbed him of his innocence.


	304. Grow some

They really needed to do this more often, Jack thought, watching his team get steadily more drunk as the night wore on.

'I'm off to the loo,' Gwen declared a little too loudly. 'Coming Tosh?'

'Sure,' she replied enthusiastically.

'If I find out you're snogging in there and didn't invite me, I'll be very upset,' Jack added.

As they departed, Jack kicked Owen under the table.

'Ow! What's that for?'

'When are you going to grow some balls and ask her out?'

'Who?'

'Tosh!'

'Why would she want a tosser like me?' he slurred.

'Life's full of mysteries,' Ianto giggled.


	305. Big trouble

Jack sounded panicked on the other end of the phone.

'Ianto, there's a giant spider down here in the cells!'

'Can't you just lock it up?' he joked.

'Just get down here and get rid of it!' he hissed angrily.

When Ianto found him downstairs cowering in the corner, he didn't have to guess where the spider was. Jack pointed emphatically.

'Oh,' Ianto said.

'Uh huh,' came the reply.

It was the size of a dinner plate and doubly hairy.

'That's the mother of all spiders.'

'Uh huh,' Jack repeated, incapable of further speech.

'I'm going to need a bigger glass.'


	306. Language barrier

Ianto was muttering to himself in Welsh again.

Most of it was unintelligible to Jack's ears. He was familiar with "myn yffach", and the occasional "Jack" or "Owen" interspersed in between, but he could have been saying anything. Chances were however, it wasn't, "wouldn't it be nice to surprise Owen and Jack by buying them all ice cream this afternoon?".

He snuck up from behind, wrapping his arms tightly around the man.

'I love it when you speak in the mother tongue. All those sexy Welsh vowels.'

'Perhaps one day you'll actually listen, and stop daydreaming about what comes next.'


	307. Missing pieces

'If you could get this working gain,' Ianto said, toying with Jack's wrist strap as they lay in bed, 'where's the first place you'd go?'

'Home,' Jack replied.

Ianto recoiled slightly.

'I didn't mean it like that. I meant, I'd like to go back and see my mum. Not as me maybe. I want to go back and see her happy smiling face, the one she had before dad died and we lost Gray. I don't remember what it looks like anymore. All I see is the shell of the woman she used to be.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Me too.'


	308. Letters from home

Tosh was totally engrossed in her work when Jack strolled by and placed an envelope in front of her.

'It's for you,' he said.

'A letter?' She was confused. 'But no one knows I work here. Does Torchwood even have a postal address?' She was still getting used to working here, everything strange and new. There was no return address on the back.

'Who's it from?'

Jack just shrugged and walked away. She got the feeling he knew very well.

She opened it and was struck by the familiar penmanship.

"Dear Toshiko,

Glad to hear you're well. 

All my love, Kasa."


	309. Maternal instinct

It wasn't hard to find. The sound of the infant's crying was very loud.

It cried the whole way back to the hub, sat in Gwen's lap, cried all the while Owen examined it, and didn't even stop when Jack and Tosh tried cuddling it and bouncing it on their knees.

Jack wasn't sure how much more of the sound he could take, when he suddenly heard silence descend over the hub.

'What happened?' he asked worriedly.

The tiny alien was curled up in Ianto's arms, purring and suckling a baby bottle.

'It was just hungry. Babies cry when they're hungry.'


	310. Internal affairs

Jack leaned over and peered at the solid glass wall encasing the grand ship.

'I never thought to ask, but how is it they get those tiny model ships inside the bottles?'

Ianto sighed. 'The bottle is built around the ship, two halves melded together.'

'Oh,' Jack replied disappointed. 'I thought it would be more interesting than that.'

'Well, since we've been reduced to the size of ants, stuck on board a replica of the Mayflower, I think the more important question is how do they get those ships out of the bottles?'

'The team have to find us first.'


	311. Stuck

'It's stuck,' Jack complained, trying to pull it out and failing.

'Have you tried twisting it as you pull, whilst you keep you hand firmly around it?' Ianto suggested.

'What am I, a gymnast?' He tried anyway.

'Still won't budge.'

'Maybe rock it back and forward a bit as you pull.'

'How do I rock it? It's clearly far bigger than the hole it's trying to come out of?'

'We don't normally have this much of a problem.'

'Almost,' Jack grunted.

POP!

'Whew, didn't think we'd ever get that cork out!' He filled their glasses.

'Here's to us.'

'Iechyd da.'


	312. Hit the bottle

After a bad day, the last thing Owen wanted was company. He was doubly annoyed that he'd even been found in this secluded bar in the middle of the city. Thirty quid had ensured that Owen didn't need to pay for refills, the bottle left beside his glass.

Jack sidled up to him, sitting on the stool next to him.

'You think you'll find the answers at the bottom of a bottle?' Jack asked.

'Who says I want answers,' he grumbled.

'Fine,' Jack replied, motioning to the bartender for a second glass, 'let's just sit here and get drunk then.'


	313. Bottled up

Jack watched as Ianto moved about the hub. No, not moved, prowled. That was what he was doing.

It had been a few months since the cyberwoman incident, and whilst they were far from best friends, at least some of the angst between them had dissipated.

Still, as he secretly watched, he could sense the tidal wave of emotions being bottled up inside the calm exterior. He needed to do something, before the young man became crushed underneath their weight.

Like any sufficiently strained dam wall, enough pressure and it would burst completely, drowning its victim in hopelessness and pain.


	314. Wild side

‘Wait here,’ Jack instructed.

Ianto looked at him, perplexed as he dashed off, coat flying behind him.

He stared out at the rugged beach view in front of him. It was windy, but not overly cold.

‘Here you go,’ Jack said, returning with two chocolate covered ice cream cones.

Ianto scrunched his nose. ‘I don’t like ice cream.’

‘Come on, live on the wild side for once,’ Jack beseeched.

Ianto took a hesitant bite. A flake of chocolate snapped off, tumbling onto his tie and melting quicker than expected.

‘You said this was wild. You didn’t mention anything about messy.’


	315. Animal instincts

'She bloody bit me!' Owen cried, holding his hand painfully, before heading down to the medical bay, making a show of bandaging the wound.

'You need to train that overgrown pet bird of yours.'

'She is trained,' Ianto countered.

'Not sure what your idea of training is, then,' he grumbled. 'Stupid creature.'

'Smarter than you some days,' Ianto retorted. 'She's a wild animal, after all. What do you expect?'

'Maybe if you'd just given her the chocolate, she wouldn't have bitten you,' Jack added, unsympathetic to Owen's plight. He knew better than to argue with Myfanwy.

'But it was my chocolate!'


	316. Wild weather

Gwen was hardly recognisable when she entered the hub. Her clothes were in complete disarray and her hair was sticking out in some places, and plastered to her head in others.

Jack tried not to laugh. 'What happened to you?'

She held up something in her hand that looked like it had once resembled an umbrella, but was now just a tatter of cloth and twisted metal.

'The weather happened,' she replied glumly.

'They did say that we were in for a few days of wild weather,' Ianto added, handing her a towel.

'Wild doesn't even begin to describe it!'


	317. Plans interrupted

Jack had been excited all afternoon. Even trawling through disgusting, smelly sewers chasing rogue weevils hadn't dampened his spirits one little bit. None of it mattered because tonight he and Ianto were finally going to have a proper night together. Jack had it all planned out in his head, including some new toys to try out. It was going to be a night to remember.

When he finally arrived back at the hub around eight, his excitement dissipated quickly. Ianto was curled up on the sofa, sleeping soundly.

'So much for the wild night I had planned,' Jack muttered.


	318. Special surprise

Ianto felt very conspicuous moving through the busy city streets. Surely someone was going notice and it was going to get back to Jack, ruining the surprise.

As the rain started falling he remembered again why this was such an impractical thing to have in a city where it rained most of the year. Still, Jack had a penchant for them, making it the perfect present. If ridiculously extravagant.

As he finally reached the underground car park, he breathed a sigh of relief, drying off the cherry red convertible with a soft cloth before trying an enormous bow on it.


	319. Unwanted surprise

'Please?'

'No.'

'Pretty please?'

'Still no.'

'Pretty, pretty please with whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and sprinkles, and a cherry on top?'

He let out a vexed sigh, being forced to bear witness to Jack's best puppy dog eyes.

'It's your birthday. Why won't you let me spoil you with a birthday surprise?'

'I have no problem with it being my birthday, or being spoilt. It's the surprise part that worries me.'

'C'mon Ianto, When have any of my surprises turned out bad?'

Ianto fixed him with a withering look.

'Okay, don't answer that. This time it'll be great. Promise.'


	320. Eat your words

'We'll be married in six weeks,' Jack commented as they lay together in bed. 'Nervous?'

'A bit,' he confessed.

'Planning on crash dieting?'

'Excuse me?' Ianto said, pushing himself up off Jack.

'People like to lose a few pounds before the big day,' Jack replied nonchalantly.

'Are you saying I'm fat?'

'That's not what I meant.'

'And are you planning on dropping a few?'

'Fixed point in time. I'm already perfect.'

He knew Ianto would misconstrue it the moment he said it. Ianto got out of bed leaving the room.

'You'll be walking down the aisle alone at this rate.'


	321. Clogging the arteries

The dishwasher coughed and sputtered, shaking violently and pouring forth a load of hot steam, before finally conceding defeat.

Despite their best efforts and mechanical know-how, neither Ianto nor Tosh could get it working again.

'We'll have to call out a plumber,' Tosh declared.

The plumber came and pulled it out, and tinkered for a while before reporting the problem.

'The pipes are clogged with food. They're like arteries blocked full of fat, and it's just had a heart attack.'

'Maybe we should put it on a diet,' Jack suggested.

'Maybe you lot should go on a diet,' he replied.


	322. Caring is sharing

When Ianto left Jack's office to go finish up a report, Jack quietly slid his drawer open, seeking out his private stash of chocolate. He was still in the doghouse with Ianto for his comments earlier in the week where he'd accidentally implied that Ianto should lose some weight before their wedding.

The packaging looked different but he pulled it off and shoved it in his mouth anyway.

'Enjoying that?' Ianto asked, catching him out.

Jack tried to look guilty. 'It tastes funny.'

'It's carob.'

Jack swallowed hard. 'You replaced my chocolate with carob?'

'If I diet, we diet together.'


	323. Positive reinforcement

Ianto entered Jack's office and approached his desk, a strange look on his face.

'What's up?'

Ianto grabbed his face with one hand and placed a sensuous kiss on his lips, which Jack quickly reciprocated.

'What was that for?' Jack asked, still a little dazed. Ianto wasn't usually so forward.

'Nothing,' he replied, smiling dreamily.

'Okay, that was so not nothing. Fess up.'

'It was reward for reaching a milestone. Six days in a row and I haven't had to ask you to fold your clothes properly.'

'Kiss me like that again, and I'll fold all your clothes as well!'


	324. Party time

'I found a blog about us, Ianto.'

'Us?'

'Yeah, there's these people writing stories about Torchwood.'

'How do they know we're real?'

'Not sure. So much for being a secret organisation.'

'What are they saying about us?'

'Good things mostly. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, and sometimes spookily accurate. Apparently they've reached a milestone of 400 weekly prompt ideas for stories.'

'That's quite a lot. That's what, eight years?'

'We should send them a cake.'

'But where would we send it to?'

'Good point, maybe we should eat cake and celebrate on their behalf.'

'That sounds like a much better idea.'


	325. Breaking point

'I'm sleeping with Owen,' Ianto declared. His words cut Jack right to the core.

Jack looked at him, shocked. 'I don't understand. Why?'

'Why? I think you know very well why.'

'It's not my fault that we only have three tents between the five of us because the other gear got soaked in the river.'

'Yes, but now I have to share my sleeping bag with you as well.'

'I didn't hear you complaining earlier.'

'Yes, but I didn't realise I'd also have to share it with your freezing cold feet. A man can only put up with so much.'


	326. Burning

Ianto should be used to it by now but somehow the feeling never gets old.

The wind off the bay is so cold and bracing that after just twenty minutes, despite the coat and scarf, his hands are like ice, fingers red when they feel like they should be blue. He can’t feel them anymore, even though he knows they’re still there.

And yet, after just a few minutes indoors, he can sense the feeling returning to them. It’s like all the blood has suddenly rushed back into his fingertips, setting them afire with warmth.

Gloves, next time, he thinks.


	327. Cold feet

'I don't want to get married anymore!'

Jack looks at his lover, totally confused. What had happened to make him do a complete one eighty?

'You're breaking up with me?'

'Don't be ridiculous, of course not. I just can't stand all up this hoohah about the damn wedding. If I have to listen to one more argument with Gwen and Rhi about flowers or table settings, I'm going to throw myself off the Millennium Centre.'

Jack hugged his fiancé tightly. 'What's say we just elope tomorrow and be done with it?'

'You're sure?'

'You are the only thing I need.'


	328. Layering up

'Socks, socks, socks,' Ianto muttered to himself, wandering around Jack's bunker in the semi dark.

Jack caught him in his aimless wanderings. 'What are you doing?'

'Looking for my socks. I know I put them out with the rest of my clothes last night, but now they're gone.'

'I've got them.'

'You?'

'It was cold, so I put on my pair and yours.'

'You're wearing my socks?'

'They're warm and snug, and don't have holes.'

'I told you to throw out socks with holes.'

'If I wear yours it doesn't matter'

'So what am I supposed to wear, then?'

'Nothing?'


	329. To the nines

Jack and Ianto were relaxing on the sofa after a long day when Tosh reappeared, slinky dress, makeup and something done with her hair.

'Looking good, Tosh! What are you all dolled up for?'

'I have a date.'

'Who with?'

She remained silently coy.

'Ianto, who's Tosh's date?' Jack asked, knowing that Ianto would definitely know. Those two were thick as thieves.

'Not saying.'

Jack growled. 'I hate secrets!' he complained.

'It's me, if you must know,' Owen replied, appearing next to Tosh, also dressed nicely.

'I never thought I'd see the day.'

'Sod off. Tosh, shall we go?'

'Sure.'


	330. Rhymin' time

'How was your date last night?' Tosh asked.

'It went in a direction that was unexpected.'

'How so?'

'I thought he'd hate old movies.'

'What was the movie?'

'Doll face. Burlesque performer seeks stardom on broadway, plus love story.'

'What's bad about that?'

'See for yourself.'

'Do you mean to stand there and tell me I ain't got class? Why, in Duluth, I was billed as the... You tell 'em, Ianto.'

'We're not doing this, Jack. You're scaring your coworkers.'

'Fine. I was the Classy Chassis from Tallahassee. 'Cept I'm from Boeshane, but that don't rhyme with nothin'.

'Except insane.'


	331. Our house

Sometimes it was really hard to find a home for rift refugees that couldn't get back home. Not everyone could blend in amongst the human population, and some couldn't even cope with the climate or the food.

Today however, luck was on their side. Their visitors were bipedal and conversant in the local language. The only downside was that they were just three inches tall.

Gwen hadn't ever thought to have use for her grandmother's old dollhouse tucked away in storage, but it was just perfect to house their new guests, complete with furniture.

Her grandmother would have been delighted.


	332. Child's play

'Did you have dolls or teddy bears when you were a kid Tosh?' Gwen asked, killing some time as they drove back from the Brecon Beacons.

'Dolls. When we moved to London I begged my papa to buy me a cabbage patch doll. You?'

'Same. Molly went everywhere with me. What about you Ianto?'

'I had a teddy called Angus. Rhi dropped ice cream on him at Barry Island. I cried until mum washed him.'

'Owen?'

'As if I'd play with dolls. Now Matchbox cars are another matter.'

'And you, Jack? Dolls or teddy bears?'

'Neither. We had a towel.'


	333. All that glitters

Jack grinned as they exploded overhead in glittering displays of pink and blue, green and white, red and yellow.

Humans were amazing, he thought. Only they of all the species in the universe could take a weapon and turn it into something of such spectacular beauty, shining overhead like a beacon of hope and togetherness.

Fireworks were definitely a favourite of his. Other planets may have had modern lasers and holograms, but this was beautiful in its simplicity. Chemicals sparkling gloriously in the sky.

Ianto caught the silly grin plastered all over his face.

'Happy new year, Jack.'

'Happy new year, Ianto.'


	334. Wrong conclusion

There was no such thing as a night off, Ianto thought ruefully. The screaming could be heard from fifty yards away as they passed the park. They both ran towards the sound, finding a young man wailing at his missing hand. It looked for all the world like a weevil had chewed it off.

'Help me, please!'

'Which way did it go?' Jack asked, drawing his webley.

'What?'

'The weevil!'

'Tall monster, big teeth, boiler suit,' Ianto added.

'What are you on about? It blew my bloody hand off!'

'What did?'

'The fireworks. Didn't you see them? Call 999, please!'


	335. Missing

The thing about being on top of a rift is that you end up with plenty of refugees that fall through and can't get home.

Because they have to stay, it's important that Torchwood keeps tabs on them. Sometimes visitors go missing. Torchwood have their own missing persons list, for when aliens go astray. 

Sometimes though despite their best efforts, they never seem to surface again. Maybe they've died, or maybe they've hitched a ride on a passing ship. Whatever the case, they'll be duly removed from the missing file and stamped, "Not found", before being filed away for good.


	336. Lost

'Jack, have you seen my glasses?'

'Glasses? Since when do you wear glasses?'

'I might be immortal but not impossible. They help reduce headaches when I have to read for hours on end, which when you're cruising through deep space, is often.'

'Well I haven't seen them. Computer?'

'Yes, Captain?'

'Run a search for Ianto's glasses. He's getting forgetful in his old age.'

'Initiating search. Please wait...'

'That's a bit ambitious don't you think? How is the computer going to know if they're wedged down the side of the sofa?'

'Search parameter not found.'

'Really?'

'So much for that idea.'


	337. Not lost

Jack has turned the hub upside down a hundred times, but he still can't find it. Curse Ianto and his precision filing system. Everything else is at his fingertips except the one thing he really wants.

He should just front up and ask Ianto outright, but professional pride keeps his mouth shut. They both know full well what he's looking for.

One of these days, he's going to finally find Ianto's diary. What a glorious victory that will be, not to mention the juicy details inside.

It isn't a case of not found, it's a case of too well hidden.


	338. Buried

They would never have found it, down here in the deepest part of the basement, Owen thinks.

Ianto was the careful, cautious sort. That he'd kept this from them for the last six months was testament to that.

Then again, they didn't need to find it. All they'd had to do was to wait until the cybermen were strong enough to make their move, take over the hub and convert them all.

Now all that was left in the room were a few metal scraps, blood, and broken trust. Part of him wished that the whole thing could've stayed hidden.


	339. No remorse

'But, but it was mine!' Jack sputtered, not able to comprehend the situation.

'I've told you before,' Ianto said, 'if you leave those sorts of things lying about, someone is bound to pilfer them.'

'But everyone knew it was mine,' he argued.

'Yes, but not all of your team are likely to show the same level of restraint.'

'But,' Jack still couldn't understand, watching as Myfanwy lounged nearby, beak covered in melted chocolate.

'Ten kilos of chocolate, gone,' he moaned.

Ianto just smiled. If Jack was expected their pet dinosaur to show remorse, he was going to be sorely disappointed.


	340. Switching places

Ianto tossed in bed, unable to sleep. Owen and Tosh were gone.

I should've tried harder. The thought twisted his stomach in knots.

If we'd made it to the power plant, Tosh wouldn't have been at the hub on her own, shot by Gray in cold blood.

Likewise, Owen wouldn't have been at the power plant, trying to stop the meltdown, locked in, overwhelmed by radioactive coolant.

Instead he'd turned back at the first sight of weevils, condemning them both.

If anyone was going to die it should have been him, least important of them all.

I should've tried harder.


	341. Out of time

She'd messed up everything, that stupid nosy copper, Suzie thought.

If she didn't get rid of her, Jack was going to find out what she'd been doing. He'd put a stop to it, and her.

No, it couldn't go down like that. She'd get rid of the copper and then she'd run.

But now Jack's here and she's pulled the trigger. Why? Desperation, that's why.

She really liked Jack, and now he was dead.

All she'd wanted was to continue her research. The glove could be capable of changing everything, she just needed more time.

Now time had run out.


	342. On your head

John Hart learned long ago that feeling remorse was a waste of time and effort. Life was too short to get bogged down in that sort of thing. Cést la vie, carpe diem, etc, etc, etc.

For years he'd lived happily without regrets, but today was different. Today he'd been complicit in taking something away from Jack that he could never give back. He loved Jack, even if it was no longer reciprocated. He was the one person in the universe he never wanted to hurt. And now he'd done just that.

Owen and Tosh's bloods was on his hands.


	343. Stuck for ideas

Ianto loved Christmas, but the inevitable thought of having to find Jack yet another Christmas present tied his stomach in knots.

What on earth were you supposed to buy the man who had everything and wanted nothing? Every year it got harder, and even though Jack insisted that he didn't have to buy him anything, he'd have felt terribly guilty not to reciprocate when Jack lavished him with his own thoughtful and inspired gifts.

'It's simple,' Tosh said. 'There's only one thing Jack wants for Christmas.'

'Did he tell you?'

'Only about a hundred times!'

'What is it?'

'You, silly!'


	344. The best gift

They'd travelled all over in the last few years, from one end of the galaxy to the other and back again, and all throughout time.

They'd dined in the tallest tower of New New New New New York, ridden horseback across the shores of the Trivutho Peninsula, partied in the Vegas Galaxy, and watched stars explode and rain down from the skies of the Damasc Cluster.

All of the past and future was theirs to enjoy, but despite the amazing experiences, none compare to going back home to their family and friends.

That's why the present is a gift.


	345. Cold hard facts

'I hate having to present at these things,' Jack complained, biting into his danish.

'I hate drinking the coffee at these things,' Ianto replied, cringing at the lukewarm beverage, deciding he'd switch to tea for the rest of the conference

'We're not popular with UNIT or the Home Office, yet they still make us come and tell them things they don't want to hear.'

'In which case, I imagine our presentation on the recent lifting of the Shadow Proclamation embargo on aliens taking up permanent residence on Earth, and Torchwood's proposed migration management plan, isn't going to go down well.'


	346. Going postal

Jack was fuming on the other end of the phone.

'How the hell, in this day and age, do you lose a package? It was supposed to arrive last week. Letters from 1914 can find their way to a man in a trench in France in the middle of a war zone, but you can't tell me how a bag of coffee beans gets lost between boarding a plane in Columbia and flying to Gatwick?'

'We're very sorry, sir, but we are still looking for it.'

'Never mind. It was supposed to be a birthday present. Now it's too late.'


	347. Stuck in the past

'You would have liked coffee, wouldn't you?' Ianto asked Jack.

'I would have, yes,' he confirmed.

Ianto went to the kitchenette and began foaming up the milk, whilst the coffee was dripping slowly into the cup.

'How is he?' Owen asked.

'Still can't understand anything said in present tense. That thing well and truly scrambled his brain.'

'Tosh is working on it. With luck, he might just get better on his own, though. Physically, there's nothing wrong with him.'

'Good, because if I have to keep translating sentences into past or future tense, my brain is going to get scrambled.'


	348. Off to see the Queen

Ianto readjusted his tie, again, watching as the two men by the door stood eerily still. That was their job after all. He gave the tie another quick tweak.

'Relax!' Jack said, 'and stop fidgeting.'

Ianto stood up a bit straighter, chastised, but gave an unconscious tug on the cuff of his jacket all the same.

'What are you so nervous for? You've met the Queen plenty of times. Liz loves you'.

'It's not her I'm worried about. I'm more worried about what Prince Philip is going to say when you hand him that wedding invitation.'

'Probably "about bloody time!".'


	349. Drama queen

'I hate the countryside, I hate trudging through the grass and the mud, and I hate being out in the cold and the wet,' Owen complained.

'You live in Wales,' Ianto muttered, pulling his collar up against the drizzle. 'Should've thought about that before you moved here.'

'Considering moving back.'

'Please do,' Ianto snapped.

Jack reappeared before either of them could say more.

'Okay folks, looks like the SUV needs towing, so we're stuck here for the night. Break out the tents.'

'And now we have to camp in this miserable place!'

'Stop being such a drama queen!' Tosh scolded.


	350. Queen bee

Jack and Ianto curled up on the couch enjoying a quiet night at home, watching a documentary on bees.

'I often think the hub is a bit like a hive,' Jack said.

'With you as the queen bee?'

'You disagree?'

"A queen bee does not directly control the hive. Her sole function is to serve as the reproducer. A well-mated and well-fed queen can lay about 1,500 eggs per day. She is continuously surrounded by worker bees who meet her every need, giving her food and disposing of her waste,"David Attenborough narrated.

'Hmm, actually that does sound quite accurate.'


	351. Rude awakening

Ah, thought Jack. There's nothing better than a nice hot shower in the morning. Well, unless that shower includes a handsome young Welshman, he qualified.

He twisted the taps, letting them run a moment, before stepping underneath. He yelped involuntarily.

'Ianto! There's no hot water!'

'That'll be those wretched copper pipes,' he replied, toothbrush still wedged in his mouth. 'They're all over the hub and rusting like the devil. The ones in the laundry went yesterday. We need to get a plumber in to replace them but it's a big job.'

'Maybe we should move into your place after all.'


	352. Superiority complex

'Bloody coppers,' Owen grumbled. 'They're going to ruin the whole scene at this rate. How're we supposed to learn anything when they keep blundering in where they're not wanted?'

'They're just doing their job Owen,' Gwen replied.

'And what job's that? Buggering things up?'

'They don't know any better.'

'Well they should.'

'Wouldn't you do the same if you were them?' she argued, 'Not knowing about rifts and aliens?'

'I'd do a sight better than these plods.'

'Says the man who just stepped in alien slime while he was busy criticising everyone else.'

Owen looked down at his shoe.

'Bugger!'


	353. Loose change needed

Ianto thrust the note in Jack's face.

'I need to break a twenty. Give me every spare penny you have. Coppers are preferable.'

Jack frowned, confused. 'But you hate loose change.'

'And you horde the stuff. I keep finding them everywhere. Pockets, drawers, underneath mugs...'

'Coins come in handy,' Jack countered.

'Agreed. That's why I'm asking for them now. I'm willing to reimburse you.'

'But why?'

'Turns out that magenta parakeet we recovered last night considers them haute cuisine. I'd prefer we make sure she's fed before she discovers the miles of copper cabling keeping the lights on around here.'


	354. Going green

'What now?' Owen complained, watching Jack hovering at the top of the stairs.

'I need you to check something out for me.'

'What?'

'Here,' he said, pulling up his coat sleeve, revealing the dark green tinge encircling his wrist.

'It's not gangrene is it? My hand isn't about to drop off or anything, right? I'm quite attached to my hand.'

Owen inspected it, before sending Jack away to give his wrist a good wash.

'Is it a rash or something?' Jack asked.

'Nothing soap won't fix.'

'I warned you about using those old copper handcuffs last night,' Ianto called out.


	355. Reuse and recycle

'Where did you get that huge copper bathtub?' Jack asked.

'The archives of course. Well, actually it was in the medical storage room, but it came from the archives originally.'

'Okay, but what's it doing here now? We have a perfectly good bathtub downstairs.'

'Yes, but I don't fancy trying to get a sixty pound alien pooch washed in it without it destroying the entire bathroom.'

'Buddy needs a bath?'

'Are you kidding me? He stinks worse than rotting space whale.'

Jack chuckled. 'Better you than me.'

'Oh no,' Ianto corrected him. 'He's your adopted pet. You get the honours.'


	356. Roughed up

'Ow!' Ianto cried. 'Ow, ow, ow!'

'What?' Jack said. 'I thought you liked it when we played rough?'

Ianto panted in a pained way, turning over on his side.

'I won't deny it. But perhaps tonight's not the best night for it?'

'What do you mean?'

'Have you already forgotten this morning's misadventures with that six headed beast in Tesco's?'

'Oh boy, now that was a mess!' Jack grinned.

'Yeah, well, remember how it knocked over that entire shelf of canned goods?'

'You mean the one that fell on top of you? Oh,' Jack said, realising.

'Yeah. Bit sore still.'


	357. Diamond in the rough

Rhys sighed as he looked into the mirror and checked out his profile.

'I don't know why you put up with me Gwen. Middle aged, beer belly, run out of puff playing rugby with the lads. How am I supposed to compete with all those fit young blokes you work with? Not to mention Jack. Handsome bastard. Jewel in the Torchwood crown.'

'Don't be silly,' she said, hugging him tightly. 'There's only one gem for me. You might be a bit of a diamond in the rough, Rhys Williams, but I wouldn't trade you for anything in the whole world.'


	358. Rough seas

'Man overboard!' yelled Owen.

'What? Who?' Jack burst out from the bridge of their modest vessel, looking around, panicked. 

'Just kidding,' Owen said. 'He only wishes he could throw himself overboard.'

'Please make it stop moving,' Ianto moaned, gripping the rails hard and leaning over it far more than Jack liked. 'I can't take it anymore. I hate the ocean.'

'They weren't predicting such rough seas,' Jack apologised. 'Otherwise we wouldn't have come out.'

'If aliens want the Bristol Channel, they can have it.' He retched over the side again.

'Owen, do something.'

'Right, I'll just stop the sea moving.'


	359. Life's gamble

The beeping from Jack's vortex manipulator was unexpected. He checked the readings. Yes, someone was trying to access Torchwood records back on Earth.

He'd almost managed to forget the people he'd left behind there. Almost. Some still haunted his dreams and nightmares.

He sighed, looking out over the golden sunsets of the Olvera binary system. He'd have to go back. Not because he wanted to, but because he had to. Gwen and Rhys could be in terrible danger if those records were uncovered.

Earth. He hadn't ever wanted to go back again, but this was the hand life had dealt him.


	360. Worth giving away

Tosh had resigned herself to life as a spinster from an early age.

She knew that she very intelligent, well read, independent, but not in a stand-offish way. She was kind and considerate, and not overly unattractive, though she admitted she could probably try to dress a little less frumpy.

In short, there was nothing about her that men would find unappealing. It was just that her shyness made her awkward around the opposite sex.

Everyone except Owen, that is.

So when Owen got down on one knee and asked for her hand, there was no hesitation in saying yes.


	361. Tough induction

After six months at Torchwood, plus the time he'd spent in London, Ianto was convinced he'd seen every possible thing that could totally gross him out.

Apparently he was about be be corrected.

Jack was huddled behind the counter, his counter, in the tourist information office, cradling that bizarre hand thing that moments ago had been safely ensconced in its futuristic metal tank.

Now he saw it properly. It was slimy and looked very human, but he started when it wriggled, just slightly, and caught Jack looking at him.

'There's another containment unit in the archives. Find it!'

He ran.


	362. Hands at work

Ianto loved watching Jack's hands at work.

They were larger than his own, strong yet supple.

Wrapped around his webley, they were deadly, held firm and sure without hesitation or fear.

Balled into a fist they were hard like steel, ready to throw the knockout punch.

Pen in hand, it was like watching water flow as it moved elegantly across the page.

They were expressive, often gesticulating unconsciously as Jack talked, explained something complicated, or was in the throes of telling a joke.

They were gentle and reassuring, extended out towards someone in need of comfort or safety. 

But Ianto loved them most when they drifted over his skin, tender and loving, firm with conviction, light as feathers, and soft as silk.


	363. A helping hand

'Oi, give us a hand here!' came the voice from behind the tower of boxes and crates. Hidden was the short, gruff man who called himself Torchwood's medic.

Ianto stood up and straightened out his suit before coming to Owen's aid.

'Cheers,' he said as several boxes were unloaded from his arms. 'What'd you say your name was again?'

'Ianto,' he replied.

'How'd you spell that, then?'

Ianto spelt it and heard Owen grumble again.

'Bloody Welsh. Don't know how Jack found you, but hope you're going to be useful.'


	364. A winning hand

Jack knew he should have never let Ianto have that fourth hypervodka cocktail. All night he'd been losing money hand over fist at the casino

'I think it's time to go,' Jack suggested, grabbing Ianto by the elbow.

'I promise I'll win it all back, cariad,' he slurred.

'I think we should cut our losses.'

'Just one more hand,' he begged.

The croupier dealt an ace, followed by the queen of hearts.

'Blackjack!'

'Now can we go?'

'Are you kidding? We just started winning. We're not going anywhere!'


	365. Wide load

'I told you... not to pick... this one,' Ianto puffed, leaning heavily against the object.

'We spent... all day... trying out every damn couch... in every damn store... This one was the comfiest.'

'I told you... the dimensions... are all wrong. It's too wide.'

'Nonsense. We just... haven't got... the angle right, yet.'

'Swedish people... must have... bigger doorways!'

'If it didn't... fit through the door,' Jack huffed, 'they'd never sell any!'

'Probably why it was so cheap!'

He groaned again. 'I'd give anything... for a shrink ray... to drop through the rift... right now.'

'Shut up... and keep pushing!'


	366. Tense relations

Rhys collapsed on the kitchenette bench, head in his hands, dropping the cordless phone.

'Nice chat with your mum?' Gwen asked.

'Thirty three year old married man, and she still treats me like a little kid. Do this, don't do that... Honestly, drives me mad.'

'Could be worse.'

'Aye. You don't want to hear what she had to say about you. Convinced you were rude to her at our wedding.'

'Bloody woman!' Gwen cursed. 'She can't even remember the wedding! Should remind her I saved her from that shape-shifter.'

'Still, I'd give her a wide berth if I were you.'


	367. Rude awakening II

'Ow!' Jack cried out. 'You hit me!' he said, looking for his assailant in the dark.

'Yes, I hit you,' Ianto replied, sounding very grumpy.

'Why would you do that?'

'Because I've been lying here, wide awake for the past two hours listening to your snoring, hoping you'd eventually shut up on your own.'

'I must've been tired if I was snoring.'

'Well, so am I, now! You're the one who claims not to need any sleep.'

'Sorry,' he apologised. 'It wasn't like I was doing it on purpose.'

'All the same, perhaps you could let me fall asleep first.'


	368. Wide open

Owen lay there in the dark, hating every minute.

One the other side of the tent, was Jack's loud, obnoxious snoring, piercing the silence. Next to him Ianto was sleeping peacefully, tucked up in his sleeping bag, oblivious.

Jack was mad. All this talk of starry skies and wide open spaces was for the birds, literally. He hated camping. Without a pub and a pint of lager in sight, this was no sane man's idea of accommodations.

He kicked Ianto.

'Wha?' he grumbled.

'Shut him up.'

'I would, but you ate all the marshmallows we could've shoved in his mouth.'


	369. Dressed to impress

'I knew I shouldn't have let him organise this,' Ianto complained. 'I should've learnt my lesson last Halloween.'

'What's the problem?' Tosh asked, attaching her fairy wings.

'He wants to go as Batman.'

'Sounds perfect to me,' Owen added, muffled by his Darth Vader mask. 'You already look like Alfred.'

'Not Alfred. He wants to go as Batman and Robin.'

'You're not going as James Bond again!' Jack yelled from his office, overhearing Ianto’s grumbling, already changing into his own costume.

'I don't look good in skin tight lycra.'

'Oh, that's where you're so wrong! I should make it compulsory.'


	370. Hero for a day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thirteen drabbles, one story

'Grab your gear people,' Jack called out, already headed for the garage.

'What have we got?' Gwen asked.

'Guy causing a disturbance down near the mall. Claims to be some kind of super hero.'

'Wait, isn't that a job for the police?'

'Did I mention he's glowing purple, levitating, and wearing his underwear over his clothes?' Jack paused. 'The Welsh are weird,' he added, as if realising for the first time.

'Why do you automatically assume he's Welsh?' Ianto said, affronted by the suggestion.

'He's using the national flag for a cape.'

'Oh. Must be from the north, then.'

 

When they arrived at the mall, a crowd was already gathering. From what they could see, a window cleaner on one of the nearby buildings was clinging to his rig, which uncoupled on one side, leaving him dangling eighty yards over the street below.

Jack immediately took charge.

'Gwen, organise the fire department to get a net under that rig. Ianto with me, we're going in.'

'Stand aside,' came the voice, as the caped purple oddity landed in front of them.

'Fear not citizen! I am Violet Man. I shall save this man!'

'Oh boy,' Jack sighed.

'Imaginative,' Ianto added.

 

Jack tried being diplomatic, explaining that they were Torchwood and that Violet Man's services were not required.

'Oh really? And can you do this?' he said, lifting himself easily off the ground floating in mid air, looking smug, but hard to take seriously with his valleys accent.

'No, but,'

'Your intentions are commendable but your skills lacking.'

That set Jack right off.

'You're under the influence of something alien! You're a danger to everyone until we can figure out what happened!'

'Can you two please stop your pissing contest until after we save the man from certain death?' Ianto complained.

 

Unable to reach an agreement, they went their separate ways. Violet Man was levitating slowly up the side of the building whilst Jack and Ianto took the lift.

'Stairs would have been quicker,' Jack grumbled.

'No they wouldn't. It's six storeys. Stop being so dramatic.'

Ianto was annoyed. It was bad enough having to deal with one inflated ego most days, let alone two.

'After we're done, then you can stun him and take him back to the hub, okay? Gwen, how's that safety net going?'

'Still another fifteen minutes away. Violet Man is almost there.'

'Then we'd better hurry.'

 

Reaching the level the man was hanging from, they made quick work of locating the right spot. Ianto handed Jack a pocket sized laser tool, and Jack began cutting a large hole in the glass.

'Gwen, get everybody back, we're about to push the window out.'

Down below the glass shattered in a wide arc, leaving a gaping hole.

'Hey! You almost hit me!' Violet Man complained, hovering up to meet them.

'Who the bloody hell are you?' said the cleaner, clinging desperately to the loose metal railing.

'Fear not citizen, I am-'

'Oh, shut the hell up,' Jack yelled.

 

Ianto grabbed the edge of the window firmly, his other hand locked in Jack's, whilst Jack reached out for the cleaner.

'Grab my hand.'

'I can't! '

'Yes, you can.'

Reluctantly he reached out, gripping Jack's hand hard.

Violet Man grabbed the man around the torso.

'Fear not, I've got you,' he said, pulling away.

The cleaner panicked, gripping Jack harder, as Violet Man was tugging him further out of Jack's grip.

'Let him go!' Jack yelled.

'You let go!'

Violet Man suddenly shot upwards, wresting Jack's grip from Ianto's, catching him by surprise, sending him tumbling to the ground below.

Ianto could hear the screams and wails of shock from the crowd as Jack's body shattered on impact. It was nothing compared to his own shock.

'Oh shit! Oh God!' cried the cleaner, staring down, clutching to Violet Man. 'Please don't let me go!'

'Poor soul,' he replied. 'I warned him not to get involved in heroes work.'

'You stupid bastard!' Ianto yelled, furious. 'This is your fault.'

'Calm yourself,' he said, as the glow around him faded.

Just then, his levitation failed altogether and the two of them dropped, slamming into the rigging, clutching at it just in time.

 

'Oh my God, what's happening?' cried Violet Man, as the pair of them swung wildy from the unstable platform.

'Looks like your super powers wore off,' Ianto replied, remarkably unsurprised by the irony and timing.

He reached out as far as he could, managing to get a hold of the cleaner, hauling him inside to safety. Violet Man was hanging much further down, almost completely out of reach.

'Please don't let me die! I hate heights!'

'Well, there's something we have in common, then. I should let you drop like a sack of spuds but Jack would never forgive me.'

It took a considerable amount of careful maneuvering, but eventually Ianto was able to reach down and get a grip on Violet Man's hand.

'Hurry up!'

'I would but your cape keeps flapping in my face!' he replied, almost slipping out of the window, before the cleaner grabbed him around the legs.

'I knew I shouldn't have drunk that soda!'

'What soda?' Ianto asked, slowly pulling him upwards.

'Funny writing on the can. Looked Swedish. Thought it was one of those energy drinks.'

'Probably, ugh! Alien, ugh!' he puffed, finally heaving them both back inside.

'Alien?' he said, shocked.

'Alien.'

 

Back on the ground, Gwen had watched in horror as Jack crashed to the ground, killed instantly. She made sure that his body was covered and dragged away somewhere quiet where he could come back without a crowd of onlookers.

Looking up and seeing a tangle of bodies hanging out of the building, she wondered where the hell the fire department was and what was taking them so long. If Ianto fell too, he wouldn't come back like Jack.

She breathed a sight of relief when she finally saw all three disappear back inside the building.

The crisis was over.

 

When they exited the building, there was a gaggle of media people waiting to swamp them, clicking cameras and begging for soundbites. No one could make out precisely what had happened up there, but one thing was certain. Violet Man had saved the day.

Bolstered by the attention, Violet Man quickly regained his composure, insisting that there was nothing brave or selfless in what he'd done, and that anyone with his special abilities would have done the same.

One journalist shoved a microphone in Ianto's face.

'How does it feel being saved by a super hero?'

'No comment,' he replied.

 

When the press had finally had their fill and the crowds had melted away, Violet Man was left standing there with Gwen and Ianto, on strict instruction not to go anywhere until they could check him over and make sure that whatever it was he'd ingested, that it wouldn't have any long term effects.

Jack made his reappearance, the back of his coat soaked in his own blood. He looked thunderous.

Violet Man pointed. 'Hey aren't you supposed to be-'

He didn't get to finish his question before Jack's fist had knocked him out cold.

'My sentiments exactly,' Ianto agreed.

 

Back at the hub, they checked over the man, before dropping him off home with several days worth of retcon coursing through his system. Violet Man's hero days were over.

Slumping on the sofa, there wasn't a single television channel that wasn't covering the story of the super hero who had saved two men from falling to their deaths, and a third who unfortunately couldn't be saved.

'We did all the hard work, and he got all the praise,' Ianto complained. 'Stupid git.'

Jack wrapped an arm around his shoulder. 'Who cares? There's only one super hero in my books.'


	371. Time flies

'Ianto,' came the voice, shaking him gently awake.

'Huh?' He muttered, realising he'd been sleeping on his desk.

'Wakey, wakey, sleepy head.'

Ianto pushed himself upright, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

'What time is it?'

'Twelve,' Jack replied.

'Midnight already?'

'No, not twelve midnight, twelve noon. You've been down here all night. I was wondering when you were going to come to bed, and fell asleep waiting for you.'

'I was,' he paused, what had he been doing? 'Oh, that's right,' he said, remembering. 'I must've gotten lost in what I was doing. It was interesting.'

'More interesting than me? I'm hurt.'


	372. Seeing double

Tosh couldn't believe Jack was calling her after he'd promised her the day off. She chastised herself, knowing it would be something important, and that she shouldn't be so selfish.

'Tosh, sorry to call you but I'm really gonna need you help on this one.'

'I'll be there in twenty.'

When she arrived, she found Jack arguing with Owen, and Owen.

'Two of them?' she asked incredulously.

'Twelve, actually. The rest are already locked in the cells because they couldn't agree on a way to solve the problem. And all of them claim to be the real Owen.'

Oh boy.


	373. Say it with roses

Jack knew Ianto was mad with him. He also knew that he couldn't stay mad at him forever, yet the cold war between them had raged for three days now.

Up in the tourist office, Ianto was working, and hiding out from Jack.

The delivery man took him by surprise. He wasn't expecting any deliveries today.

He found a dozen red roses inside the silk lined box.

An hour later, another man delivered twelve more.

Another dozen an hour after that.

'What's with all the roses, Jack?' he finally asked.

'Twelve every hour until you forgive me.'

'You're completely impossible.'


	374. Civic duty

Jack stared at the letter, utterly incredulous.

'But, they can't!'

'They can,' Ianto confirmed. 'You're a British citizen.'

'But, jury duty? They seriously need twelve people to decide if someone should get a parking ticket?'

'I'm sure it's much more serious than that,' he assured him.

'But it could drag on for months!'

'Don't exaggerate. It'll be a few days at most in all likelihood. It's your civic duty.'

'Don't we do enough civic duty around here stopping aliens from taking over the earth?'

'Apparently not.'

'I need to have a serious chat with Liz next time we're in London.'


	375. Mistaken identity

'I've never been so glad to be inside in all my life!' Jack declared, slamming the tourist office door shut behind him and leaning against it heavily.

'How come?' Ianto asked.

'Because I'm being stalked by about fifteen screaming girls.'

Outisde Ianto could make out the muffled sound of squeals.

'And that's bad, why?'

'Because they think I'm this John Barrowman guy. They're desperate for photos and signatures.'

'Well, you do bear a striking resemblance,' he admitted.

'Sod that. There's only one person I need heading up my one man fan club.'

'And who's that?'

'As if you didn't know.'


	376. Good intentions

'These are for you,' Owen said, thrusting out his hand towards Tosh, grasping a handful of pointy green objects, wrapped in sodden mauve paper and string.

'Oh, they're uh, lovely,' Tosh said awkwardly. 'Such lovely, er, stalks.'

Owen thrust his hands in his pockets, looking embarrassed.

'Well, see, I was on the way back from the florist, and I was taking a shortcut. Then there was this weevil, and well, they sort of got in the way and got a bit mangled.'

In truth, the weevil had chewed the tops right off them.

'It's the thought that counts though, right?'


	377. Being stalked

Ianto answered the phone on the first ring.

'How far away are you?' Jack asked.

'About ten minutes.'

'Did you have any trouble getting it in the car?'

'No, it was remarkably compliant.'

He was about to check in the rear vision mirror when he let out a yelp.

'What is it?' Jack asked.

'It's fine. It just stretched its eye stalk all the way from the back seat to eyeball me.'

'You're okay, though? By your description the database says it's harmless.'

'I'm fine. I think the passengers in the car next to me are a bit disconcerted though.'


	378. Jack and the beanstalk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A triple drabble

Ianto checked the time on his watch.

'I think it's past your bedtime Mica,' Ianto said, bundling her up off the sofa and carrying her back to her room.

'Can I get a bedtime story first?'

'Alright,' he conceded. 'But just the one story. Then bed. What story would you like?'

'Jack and the beanstalk.'

Ianto couldn't find the book anywhere, so he settled down on the bed and started as best he could remember.

'No, that's not how it goes,' Mica said.

'Yeah it is,' he replied, confused. Cow, magic beans, beanstalk, giant, golden goose. What had he missed?

 

 

'That's the silly version of the story,' she replied. 'Uncle Jack's is much better.'

Of course it is, Ianto thought. He felt torn. He wanted to please his niece, but had no idea what alterations Jack had made.

'I'll be back,' he promised.

Out in the hall he dialled Jack.

'Hey, what's up?'

'I need you to tell me a story in two minutes.'

After two minutes, Ianto was ready to give up. Jack's version had become so ridiculously complicated he'd never remember it all.

'Stop, stop. Why don't I just put you on speakerphone and you can tell it.'

 

 

Naturally, Jack's version of Jack and the beanstalk featured him as the main protagonist. It also however featured a gigantic cyberman, a spaceship in the sky, and a pterodactyl that laid diamonds. Jack had to stop the cyberman from coming down the beanstalk.

Ianto interrupted at that point.

'Jack don't you think this is a bit scary for a kids story?'

'Hey, who's telling this?'

'I'm not scared,' Mica insisted.

When Jack's story finally finished, Mica thanked him.

'Off to bed now princess, and put uncle Ianto back on the phone.'

'He's asleep.'

'Huh?'

'Your bedtime story worked. He's asleep.'


	379. Blessed silence

Long meetings tested everyone's patience, but more so when they got antagonistic.

Owen was arguing with Gwen, Gwen was arguing with Jack, and Tosh was trying to keep the peace, forcefully so, arguing with all of them.

When finally they all stopped and began sulking the meeting was called to an end.

Ianto made a quick escape to the archives.

Stepping over the threshold he sighed, feeling tension ease in his shoulders.

Silence. It was a beautiful thing,

'Ianto....' he heard Jack calling out.

'Would you bugger off for Christ's sake and give me just half an hour of peace!'


	380. While they sleep

The hub is like a living creature, always full of movement and noise. If it's not the rift machine grinding away, or the computers purring with efficiency, it's the rift alarms wailing, or the cog wheel door clunking open.

Sometimes it's laughter coming from Jack's office, or bizarre squelching noises issuing from Owen's autopsy bay. Other times it's the hiss of the coffee machine, or the squawk of a pteranadon.

Only in the earliest hours of the morning when the team have gone home, or are in sweet repose, does it finally slip into gentle silence, as if asleep itself.


	381. Silently lurking

'It's quiet,' Owen comments.

'Too quiet,' Jack teases, loving those cheesy lines from old films.

'I thought you said this thing squelches when it moves?'

'It does.'

They stood there in the darkened coolroom and listened. Nothing. Not even a breath.

'Do you hear that?' Jack asked.

'What?'

'Silence.'

They both squint and cover their eyes as the room becomes suddenly bright.

'I found the light switch,' Ianto declared. 'I also found our alien.'

'Where is it?' Owen asked, looking around.

'Hard to make squelching noises when you're frozen solid,' he said, pointing to the thing looming right behind Owen.


	382. An old classic

'Is there anything from the forties that you don't like?' Ianto asked.

'Spam,' Jack replied as the lights began to dim in the room, announcing that the show would commence soon. 'Silent films are great.'

'They're certainly unique. Though not terribly PC these days.'

'I know,' Jack agreed. 'Guys blacking up with boot polish and damsels in distress. Still, the slapstick ones never date, and they're still better than most of the new movies.'

It was hard not to agree. For all their complicated storylines and special effects, they just didn't entertain.

'Some things just never go out of style.'


	383. Held up

'Whatever you do, just don't let go,' Ianto instructed him, staring up at Jack above him.

'Don't worry. I've got a good grip.'

Ianto knew he shouldn't worry. Jack wouldn't let go unless he had absolutely no choice, and probably not even then.

'Almost there,' Ianto puffed, stretching as far as he could manage.

'A little higher.'

'I'm trying! Got it!'

Ianto stepped back, slightly out of breath and found himself bumping into Jack who wrapped him arms tight around his lover.

'That's a relief,' said Jack.

'Good job,' Ianto added.

'Yeah, those new curtains look great. Worth the effort.'


	384. Stuck II

Owen stared down at the pair of them, thoroughly displeased at this latest turn of events.

'You've seriously lost your grip on reality if you think I'm helping you out of this mess,' he said, arms folded.

'Please, Owen,' Jack begged. 'We'll do anything.'

'Speak for yourself,' Ianto muttered. 'My dignity is already gone.'

'I told you not to get close to that thing,' Owen chastised.

'You can't let Detective Swanson find us like this.'

'Since when do you have a problem being naked?'

'Since we're stuck to the front of a bus by alien slime!'

'Good luck with that.'


	385. Facing facts

'You need to get a grip,' Jack said, a look of fierce determination on his face.

'I need to get a grip?' Ianto spat back incredulously. 'I'm not the one who put five bullets in someone!'

Jack had known this was coming. The grieving was over. Now Ianto was just plain angry. Their own relationship aside, it was going to take a long time to mend fences. He'd killed the one person Ianto cared about more than anything in the world, and had to face the fact it wasn't him.

Lisa was gone. Ianto had to choose. Forgiveness or damnation.


	386. Holding on

'I can't hold on anymore,' Ianto complained. It wasn't exactly true. Holding wasn't the problem. His grip was firm. It was the boredom factor that was killing him.

'Just a bit longer,' Jack pleaded. 'Help is on its way.'

'You really know how to show a guy a good time, you know that?' he yelled. 'You're going to be massaging my arse for weeks, it's that sore.'

'I thought we were having a good time.'

'So did I.'

'How was I to know that some kids had painted the carousel horses with crazy glue?'

'And you said to hang on!'


	387. Me, myself and pie

'What do you think you're doing?' Gwen said, incredulous as she watched Owen's actions.

'I'm grabbing a slice of pie. You complained we should eat it so Rhys wouldn't get upset.'

'That's not a slice, that's half the pie.'

'Stop exaggerating,' he said, examining the overly large piece he'd just lumped on his plate.

'You wanna leave some for everyone else?' she said.

'Every man for himself,' Owen argued. 'Besides, you ought to have seen the size of the slice Jack took.'

'Hey, I shared mine!' Jack yelled out, eavesdropping.

'With his three favourite people,' Ianto added. 'Me, myself and I.'


	388. A knight's tale

'Hey, be careful with that!' Jack yelled. 'You're likely to take someone's arm off, carrying it around like that.'

'Relax,' Owen said. 'Tosh has deactivated it. It's completely inert now,' he said, waving the long metal rod about in the air like a toy sword.

'Owen, no!' Tosh screamed. 'That's the other one I haven't fixed yet!'

He swung around at the sound, and the metal rod sliced easily through the top of the sofa, sending stuffing tumbling out everywhere.

'Lucky no one was sitting there,' Ianto said. 'Next time you feeling like playing knights and dragons, warn me first.'


	389. Great British bake off

'You've been baking,' Jack said, observing the large baked slice.

'Goodies for Myfanwy, so mits off,' Ianto chided.

When his back was turned, Jack lifted a large square and stuffed it in his mouth.

'Mmm, it's good,' he muffled, his mouth still stuffed full. 'Is that treacle?'

'Yup.'

Jack swallowed reaching for another slice.

'I wouldn't if I were you,' Ianto warned

'What Myf doesn't know won't hurt her. Beside, since when do you bake for her and not me? What's the secret ingredient? Oats? Bran?'

'Chaff,' Ianto replied, watching as Jack gagged, spitting it out.

'Myf needs more fibre.'


	390. Slice of normality

Ianto stopped dead in the middle of the flat. His eyes were fixed on the creature moving around it, as if it had always lived here. He'd seen a lot of weird things over the years, but nothing had quite prepared him for the sight in front of him now.

'Hey there, gorgeous.'

He blinked, still unsure he wasn't hallucinating or dreaming. Perhaps he'd passed through to an alternate universe.

'You're putting away groceries?' he asked, watching Jack move around his kitchen.

'The fridge and cupboards were empty. You're surprised?'

'Just a little slice of normal life I wasn't expecting.'


	391. Expecting

'You're doing it again,' Tosh complained, glaring at Owen sitting across from her at his desk.

'No, I'm not,' he protested.

'You are, or does my top interest you that much?'

He reached over and ran a hand across her belly, which was now very large. He loved feeling that warm skin, round and taut.

'I look fat,' she said, frowning.

'You look gorgeous,' he argued. 'Totally sexy, and amazing and gorgeous.'

'And the size of a small whale.'

'You're carrying our child, Tosh. That's the most precious, incredible thing in the world.'

'I know. I still can't believe it.'


	392. Unimportant

Ianto stood at the edge of the crater, looking out over the devastation. He hadn't had time to properly process it before, too worried about watching the emergency workers trying to locate Jack.

Two weeks later, with the 456 eliminated and danger now far behind them, it felt more like a loss than a victory.

'It's all gone,' he said to no one in particular.

'We can rebuild,' Jack replied. He'd been here yesterday, inspecting the site. Most was just buried, caved in.

'It's not the same.'

'We saved the most precious things; you and Gwen. The rest doesn't matter.'


	393. Locked away

The box was small, with a creaky lid that had become stiff from disuse.

Jack had learned long ago that he couldn't carry with him all the momentos from his long life. He also knew that things had a habit of getting lost or broken. Best not to value them too much; he'd lost enough along the way as it was.

The box contained only those things he truly couldn't bear to part with. Even those were unimportant in the grand scheme of things. The most precious things were in his memories, the one place they could never be lost.


	394. Precious

'Here you are, presh,' Rhiannon said, passing him a mug of tea.

Jack watched the subtle twitch in his lover's face that signaled his displeasure, and his efforts to hide it. It made Jack smile.

He and Owen had come up with dozens of nicknames for Ianto over the years, sometimes funny, sometimes endearing, and sometimes downright rude, but none of them had anywhere near the impact and cringe worthiness. That single word from his sister sent him into an embarrassed pile of mush. He hated it when she called him that, but loved her too much to say so.


	395. Survival of the fittest

Screeeeech!

A large shadow descended over the team briefly and then all was calm again.

'Oi, that lizard bird knicked my pizza!' Owen yelled, watching as Myfanwy swooped back up to her nest high above, large slice of pepperoni dangling in her beak.

'You should have been quicker eating it,' Jack replied.

'Well, we can't all inhale it the way you do,' Owen snarked back.

'Survival of the fittest, Owen.'

'Survival of the fastest, more like,' Ianto added, still clutching his own pizza, barely touched.

'The only two remaining members of the asteroid survivors club. That's gotta count for something.'


	396. Lasting the test of time

There was a distinct air of damp and mildew down here. There probably hadn't been another soul down here for at least three decades. He feared the mould spores, but Owen's tests had come back within safe levels.

Snapping on his gloves, he prised open the first ragged box, expecting the worst.

Unbelievably, the contents seemed very little worse for wear. The papers were yellowed and fragile, but otherwise intact. He marveled at it. Despite the damp and the dark, the rats and the moths, earthquakes, weird alien gasses and everything else, the old Torchwood files had survived it all.


	397. Them or us

All the training in the world hadn't prepared Tosh for this moment. He'd told her he hoped she'd never have to use it, but that seemed certain to end today.

The creature was in a bloody battle with Jack; a battle he looked to be losing. It was going to kill him, and when it did, it was coming for her next. She'd never killed anything, but this was a matter of survival.

The gun shook in her hand, but she had the good sense to remember what Jack had shown her. Pull back the slide, underhand grip, squeeze gently.


	398. Too many legs

He eyed the object in Ianto's hand with suspicion. It was purple, transparent and looked like a gooey starfish with seven long gooey legs.

He poked his pen at it, watching as it pressed in, not leaving a mark.

'Please don't do that,' Ianto said. 'How would you like it if I poked you with a pen?'

'Well maybe not a pen...'

'Owen checked the database. It's harmless, but kinda cool.'

'I don't like it.'

'Why not?'

'I have a natural distrust of anything with more than four legs.'

'Says the man with the tentacle sex stories.'

'Tentacles are completely different.'


	399. Jelly legs

'At least it's a nice view from up here,' Tosh said helpfully as they waited for Owen, admiring the city lights that spread out below them. The alien was dead, but Jack's leg was badly mangled.

When finally he burst through the fire escape door he took two steps and collapsed.

'What's wrong with you?' Jack asked.

'The lift's broken. I had to walk fifteen flights. My legs feel like jelly.'

'We know. I called you to help me carry Jack back down, not so I'd have to try and carry you both.'

'Need to work on your fitness, Owen.'


	400. Perfect legs

'I've always admired a nicely turned leg,' Ianto said, wandering past and enjoying the view.

'On that we can both agree,' Jack replied, smiling and thinking about how nicely turned the leg was last night when it was contorted in a direction he even he hadn't believed Ianto was capable of.

Ianto carefully looked them each up and down in turn, making notes, before finally coming to a stop in front of one.

'Yep. This one's perfect,' he said, pointing at the dining room table and chairs.

'Not all that expensive, either,' Jack said inspecting the tag.

'We'll take it.'


	401. Missing in action

Jack put his hand over Ianto's mouth as he heard the door being opened. It wasn't necessary because Ianto had fallen completely still and silent at the sound as well.

Jack spied the pair of legs, identifying them as Gwen's. A second pair joined them. Owen's

'Hey, have you seen Jack anywhere?' she asked.

'Not since lunch. Not that I'm complaining. He'll tear my spleen out if he finds out I still haven't finished that report.'

'Hey guys,' a third slim pair of legs entered. 'Ianto's not here, is he?'

'Nope.'

No one thought to look under the boardroom table.


	402. Penned in

Owen began sniggering.

'Sshh!' Jack hissed, trying desperately not to laugh. Every time Owen started giggling again, it set him off. His hand was unsteady enough as it was. Any more shaking and he was sure to come undone, as the marker pen shook.

Ianto was sleeping peacefully on the sofa as they leaned over him, Jack's pen slowly blackening his upper lip with a Hitler style mustache.

'He looks more like a bad Charlie Chaplin impersonator,' Owen whispered.

Jack pulled away before his giggling woke Ianto.

'Let's go see if we can find a bowler hat in the archives.'


	403. Locked in

'Do you suppose it would let us out if we asked nicely?' Ianto asked.

Tosh tried to look at him in the dark. 'I'm not sure if it understands English, but we could try.'

They called out several times, always politely, but nothing happened. Afterwards, they struggled against the doors but they didn't budge.

'Well, this is a first,' Tosh stated. 'At least we didn't get sent to Narnia or anything. I suppose we should be thankful for that.'

'Mmm,' he agreed, 'though we're still stuck inside an alien. It did a very good impersonation of an innocent house cupboard.'


	404. Doctor, doctor

Ianto could feel a migraine coming on as he stood in the cells, looking at the entire block filled full of replica Owen's.

'I hate shape-shifters.'

'How do we know which is the real Owen?' Gwen asked.

'I'm the real one,' they all clamored in unison.

'Identical DNA on all of them,' Ianto added.

'Fear not, I have the problem in hand,' Jack declared.

'How?'

Jack didn't stop to explain, grabbing the closest one and snogging him hard. He didn't resist.

'Owen had better be in the first half dozen,' Ianto fumed, 'or Jack's not going to live long enough.'


	405. Pushing buttons

Owen and Ianto were busy carrying the large metal drum between them. It only looked like a drum, but was actually a very dangerous piece of alien tech, which had been tampered with by some unsuspecting souls, who now lay dead inside the computer repair shop.

'Oi, where do you think you're going with that?' Detective Swanson demanded, marching up to the scene. 

'It's ours now,' Owen replied.

'How did you get in? This has been barricaded off. Police access only.'

'We're better than the police,' Owen said. 'Not our fault if your blues and twos can't tell their own.'

 

'That's evidence,' she insisted.

'Anyone starts tampering with this and you'll have even more dead bodies on your hands,' Ianto added.

'Stupid coppers. Come on, DS Jones,' Owen said, continuing to march them toward the SUV.

Kathy was incensed. How dare Torchwood walk all over her crime scene.

'Impersonating a police office is an offense, you know,' she said.

'Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it? Arrest us?' Owen yelled.

As they were cramped in the back of the car, handcuffed, Ianto couldn't help himself.

'What are you gonna do, arrest us?' he mocked.

'Shut up,' Owen growled.


	406. Living on the edge

'How many times do I have to tell you not to stand so close to the ledge?' Ianto complained.

'You're a killjoy, you know that?' Jack replied, letting the winds whip around his head and clutch at his coat. 'Where else are you going to get such a thrill and a view?'

'I get plenty of thrills at work, and if I want a nice view, the penthouse at St David's is more than suitable.'

'Yeah, but you can't have both at the same time.'

'I can if I take you with me,' Ianto smirked.

'Sold,' Jack said, stepping back.


	407. Clumsy

'Dammit,' Tosh said leaning out of the bedroom window, seeing the smashed pots on the ground two floors below, now a pile of broken terracotta, soil and spilled flowers. That was the third time this month.

'What?' Owen said, padding out from the bathroom.

'Something keeps knocking my dahlias off the window ledge.'

'Probably a mad bird.'

'Still, you'd think we would have heard it during the night.'

He couldn't bring himself to confess that he'd been the one to push open the window and knock them over whilst Tosh was in the shower. He kept forgetting they were there.


	408. Going over

Ianto peered nervously upwards towards the water tower as he had been all morning, his reports forgotten. He was just waiting for disaster.

'Relax,' Jack said, seeing him fretting.

'We should have put up nets,' Ianto said.

'It'll be fine,' Jack reassured him, seeing little Hywel poking his head out over the ledge of Myfanwy's nest. 'He's got to learn to fly some time.'

'Couldn't he have picked a lower starting point?' he replied, watching him creep closer, sucking up the courage as he flapped his wings in readiness. He leapt off.

'I can't watch,' Ianto said, covering his eyes.

Continues in Soft landing....


	409. Soft landing

Jack kept a firm eye on Hywel as he flapped overhead. It had been less of a leap and more of a tumble as he went over the edge. Initially it looked like he'd nailed it on the first attempt, fluttering for a few seconds overhead, but just as his confidence was up, he faltered, losing balance and floundering to the ground. Jack followed his movements and caught him before he hit the ground. Myf squawked.

Ianto looked up, seeing him in Jack's arms and rushed over, grabbing Jack's head and kissing him hard.

'Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!'


	410. Green thumb

Owen decided that that hothouse was his favourite place in the hub. 

Here, no one ever complained when you prodded and poked them, took samples, or just generally observed them and made notes.

No one ever questioned his motives or why a particular thing was strictly necessary. Plus he didn't have to be polite to plants. It wasn't as if they had feelings, yet even with the smallest act, he could make them happy, which was more than he could say for his human patients and alien charges.

Having a green thumb was infinitely easier than have a medical mind.


	411. Handy man

'Looks like you've sprung a leak,' Jack said, watching Ianto fiddle with their fish tank, noticing water dribbling out a small crack.

'It was that earth tremor yesterday. I only just noticed. See if you can stick your thumb over the crack.'

'Happy to help,' Jack said, pressing his large digit over the hole, stopping the flow.

'Excellent,' Ianto said, heading for the door.

'Wait, where are you going?'

'The pet store for some proper glue to seal it.'

'What about me? Am I supposed to just stand here all morning and wait?'

'You said you were happy to help.'


	412. Stranded

'No one's ever going to stop and pick us up,' Owen complained, standing in the dark on the deserted road.

'That's because you're doing it all wrong,' Jack replied.

'I think I know how to thumb a ride,' he retorted, sticking his arm further out over the road. 'More than you, anyway.'

'Hey, I've hitchhiked my way across half the galaxy. Looking grumpy isn't going to convince anyone to stop.'

'Fine then, if you're so good, you do it.'

Jack stepped out, arm extended, looking casual. A car immediately pulled over.

'Need a ride, sir?'

'Ianto doesn't count,' Owen grumbled.


	413. Insatiable

Ianto tried desperately hard to concentrate on what he was doing. It wasn't overly important or complex, and the fate of the planet wasn't riding on it, but still he should have been able to keep focus.

The problem was that Jack was right there next to him, and he could feel those blue eyes drifting over him. He hated to admit it, but Jack had awoken a hunger in him that he couldn't always satiate with distraction or hard work.

Jack made him feel alive and energised; the world thrown into full colour and high definition at his touch.


	414. Hungry, hungry hoix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A triple drabble

Ianto cursed their own stupidity. Had they been paying better attention, they wouldn't now find themselves cornered by the hoix, unarmed. More grating was that hoix weren't particularly smart, and that it would now be rewarded for its mediocre efforts.

'Looks like meat's back on the menu,' Ianto said, gripping Jack's hand.

'Er, wait,' Jack said, fumbling in his pockets and pulling pull out a packet of butterscotch candies, throwing them away. The hoix went after them, quickly gobbling them before returning its attention to them. 

'Well, that bought us three seconds more to contemplate death,' Ianto quipped. 'Now what?'

 

'What else have you got that we could feed it, instead of us?'

'That's it,' Jack replied.

'But you always have pockets full of rubbish!'

'And you keep cleaning them out!' Jack argued.

'There must be something.'

Jack reached into the deep pocket and pulled out the only other thing he had, holding it up.

'What the hell is my diary doing in your pocket?' Ianto said, shocked.

'I found it this morning. You must've forgotten to hide it last night, so I just kind of, snaffled it for later.'

'Give me strength,' Ianto groaned.

'Be angry with me later.'

 

'You think it'll eat it?' Ianto asked.

'I know the details inside are probably delicious,' Jack replied. 'And hoix will eat just about anything.'

Ianto looked sadly at the hardback leather diary. He wouldn't share the contents, but it still felt sad to let it go. Better than us though, he thought.

He grabbed it from Jack's hand.

'At least let me have the honors.'

He flung it hard, hitting the hoix on the head, knocking it out cold.

'Why didn't I think of that?' Jack said.

'Because like hoix, you only think with your stomach and everything below it.'


	415. Midnight snack

Jack and Ianto slumped down onto Ianto's sofa in a weary pile. Chasing a family of alien geese through Bute Park all day long had been far more exhausting than anyone had anticipated.

'I'm starving,' Jack said.

'I'm too tired to be bothered cooking,' Ianto replied, leaning against Jack's shoulder.

'You don't have to cook. I can whip us up something. What do you fancy? Pasta? Soup? I think there's still some vegetables in the fridge. We could do stir fry.'

Ianto didn't answer, already fast asleep, snuggled against him.

'Or, I could just call out for pizza,' Jack sighed.


	416. Off the menu

'You are not cooking that,' Ianto instructed. 'And you are certainly not feeding it to the team,' he added, watching Jack holding the object.

'But it's a delicacy!'

'No. We have a policy in place for a reason. Nothing that comes through the rift is to be eaten under any circumstances.'

'It's safe, I promise.'

'Uh huh. Do you remember the last time you said that? We ended up glowing iridescent purple. Or the time before that when everyone ended up transformed into a pile of spaghetti creatures? If you want to treat the team, cook them a fillet steak.'


	417. Moonshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'What on earth is that smell?' Gwen said, pinching her nose.

'Owen's in the kitchen,' Tosh replied.

'Is he cooking or experimenting?' she asked, feeling nauseous from the horrendous smell. Ianto was going to kill him when he and Jack got back.

'The latter I think,' Tosh replied. 'Ever since that botany almanac came through the rift, he's been attempting to do all kinds of things with our alien plants.

'I'll have you both know,' Owen said, overhearing them, 'that this says boiling up the plant's root with a lactic substance, produces a potent alcohol.'

'You're making alien moonshine?'

'Yes.'

 

Owen was quite proud of his concoction. As the almanac promised, it was a clear colour, even if the smell was a little on the pungent side. He poured it into a small glass bottle and left it on the counter.

When Jack and Ianto returned, Ianto marched across to the kitchen, the smell hitting him straightaway.

'Owen, what the hell?' he said, seeing the enormous hole melted right through the kitchen counter.

'Hey, what happened to my booze?'

'I don't think you got the recipe quite right,' Jack said. 'Lucky you didn't drink it. It'd have cooked your insides.'


	418. Wishlist

Gwen shuffled through the pile of pamphlets Rhys had given her, inspecting each one, and noting the comments and circles drawn on them by her husband. Single story or terrace, carport or garage, two bedrooms or three. Who'd have thought buying a house could be so complicated?

'Okay, she said, so I understand most of the things you've marked on our wishlist, but why do we need a basement?'

'Simple, love. So when the crazy aliens decide to turn up unannounced at our house, we've got somewhere to put them until the others arrive.'

'Of course. How silly of me.'


	419. Barging hunting

With everything that fell through the rift, it was almost impossible to find and keep track of it all. Most turned up eventually though, if you knew where to look.

Trawling through the basement bargain sections of several online shops wasn't exciting, but it was fruitful. Trying to make a profit on something alien was hard, so it almost always ended up being flogged for next to nothing, just to be rid of it.

So far today had turned up four items, costing £10.40, and they even bundled in free postage. All in all, it was a good day's shopping.


	420. Underground

'You know,' Jack said, 'I've never noticed it before now, but this city has an awful lot of basements. Pretty much every shop, club and public building has an underground level. Is it a Welsh thing that after so many years of mining, you people just like being underground?'

'I'll try not to be offended by that,' Ianto replied. 'Some of us actually much prefer being above ground where there's less chance of being crushed to death.'

'Ah, I keep forgetting you don't like being underground.'

'And yet, everyday I have to work at the hub. Ironic, don't you think?'


	421. New additions

The loud thud woke them both from slumber.

Jack padded down the stairs of their two storey terrace, with Ianto following behind him, both armed and dangerous, despite being dressed in pajamas.

'Wait here,' Jack said, leaving Ianto as the only thing standing between the ground level and their children sleeping upstairs. He returned a few minutes later.

'Did you find it?' Ianto asked.

'Yeah, it's harmless though. We can leave it to sleep in the basement until morning.'

'But, Jack, we don't have a basement.'

'We do now. The alien wasn't the only thing to come through the rift.'


	422. All wrapped up

Ianto had spent ages getting the fine gold wrapping just right, and the large red bow on top tied into a perfect bow. Wrapping presents at Christmas was one of his favourite tasks.

Placing it under the tree, it looked almost too good to unwrap.

The next morning however, there was no hesitation from Jack as he rifled under the tree, quickly spying the tag with his name on it. He grabbed it, tearing at the wrappings like a hoix would tear an animal carcass, in hungry desperation.

Seeing his hard work undone in seconds, Ianto wondered why he bothered.


	423. Putting on a show

Jack was in pursuit of the odd looking, five-legged dog creature, but so far it had give him a run for his money, up stairs, down stairs, through hallways and halfway around the complex.

It slipped past the curtains, much to the horror of the people standing in the wings. It tried weaving through the people ahead, but got tangled between them. Jack lunged, tackling it to the ground.

There was a cheer, then applause. The stage manager was livid, but the audience thought it all part of the show. Unable to resist, Jack stood up and took a bow.


	424. Protocol

Ianto was nervous. He'd never imagined he'd get to meet the Queen.

'So, what's the protocol for meeting royalty? Do I bow?' He'd seen them do that on the Royal Variety Performance. That seemed like the right thing to do.

Jack just shrugged. 'Sounds about right.'

As the ornate doors opened and the two monarchs proceeded through, Jack took a few steps forward to meet them.

'Lizzie!' he cried, wrapping her in a bear hug, and placing a kiss on her cheek. 'Phil, how's it hanging?'

Ianto was so flummoxed by Jack's greeting that he ended up curtseying by mistake.


	425. A class above

'I don't do ties,' Owen complained, as Ianto fiddled with it, nearly choking him, or so he thought. 'Especially not bow ties.'

'Me either,' Jack agreed, having a war with his own, as if it had taken on sentience, strangling him.

Ianto huffed. 'Well, neither of you are going to get very far without them. The Cardiff Arms Gentleman's Club expects a certain attire. I can't do much for your manners, but you can at least look the part. If the alien hiding out there can put up with it, then you can too.'

'Bunch of stuffed shirts,' Owen grumbled.


	426. The London way

Jack admired the resilience of this city. Every night since he'd been here, they'd been bombed, the wail of air raid sirens and the whistle of artillery dropping, the lullaby that played whilst they huddled sleeping in subway stations.

In the morning they'd be back out on the streets, picking up the pieces, going about in their stoic British way.

On this cool autumn night, as he scanned the skies with his binoculars, the sight of a girl hanging from a barrage balloon wearing a union jack on her chest made him laugh.

Londoners were truly one of a kind.


	427. Commuting

Ianto pulled the keys out of Jack's hand.

'No, we're not taking the SUV. Do you have any idea how much of a nightmare it is driving around London? Not to mention the parking. With a vehicle that size good luck finding a car park where it'll even fit through the entrance.'

'So we're taking your car?' Jack asked.

'No. We're taking the train. It's fast, stress free and will get us there on time. Plus it'll give you time to prepare and read those reports you were supposed to.'

Jack paled. 'But how did you know?'

'I know everything.'


	428. London bound

London was where everything was happening, so London was where they needed to be. They needed somewhere to hide and to work. Somewhere safe.

He knew all of the old Torchwood records like the back of his hand, directing Gwen to the old town on the southern river bank. Finally Torchwood One would pay its way, he thought.

As he levered the padlocked chain from the doors, stepping inside, it was disappointment that soured his mood. They'd ransacked it. It was nothing more than a shell.

'This is us. This is Torchwood,' he said, trying not to dampen their spirits.


	429. A new start

Easing back in the train's seat, he knew he'd made the right decision.

Everything would be different from here on in when he started his new life in London. He could leave behind his working class family, and his working class background, and all his working class woes. The big city would be a fresh start, a place to change his life's direction, to break away and make something of himself.

He pulled out the letter again, reading it for the hundredth time. He didn't know what the Torchwood Institute was, but it sounded exciting. Just the thing he needed.


	430. Deep down

Tosh leaned an elbow on her desk, taking a brief respite from the program running across her computer screen.

In all honesty, her inability to concentrate had less to do with being tired, and more to do with the giggling and gaiety going on nearby. Gwen and Owen were clearly enjoying whatever private little joke they were sharing, as Gwen playfully pushed him and laughed.

Ianto caught her staring at them, sensing her thoughts.

'He does fancy you, deep down, that is.'

She nodded absently as he continued past.

He has a funny way of showing it, she thought glumly.


	431. Deep thinker

After three hours stuck in the car with Owen, listening to him moan endlessly, Ianto breathed a sigh of relief at the blissful silence that had finally descended. He closed his eyes for a second to enjoy it.

'Hey, Ianto,' Owen said.

He cracked open an eye. 'What?'

'Can I ask you something?'

'Is this going to be one of those deep and meaningful conversations?'

'Nah, just... d'you reckon Tosh bats for the other team?'

'What makes you say that?'

'Well, just that she's never tried it on with me.'

'Maybe she's just shy.'

'Right.'

Ianto shook his head. Idiot.


	432. Deep trouble

Ianto heard the almighty crash in Jack's office. Inside was Myfanwy. How'd she squeezed herself into his office was anyone's guess.

Ianto spotted the source of the noise.

'You're going to be in deep trouble, Missy,' he scolded. 'That was Jack's favourite set of crystal tumblers,' he said, noting the irony that the tumblers had now tumbled, leaving behind a shower of glass.

'What were you doing in here, anyway?'

She squawked, nudging over the box, as if offering to share as penance.

Of course, Ianto thought. Only Jack would be stupid enough to leave a box of chocolates open.


	433. A quiet night in

'It's pretty deep,' Owen said, examining the large gash in Jack's calf.

'It'll heal,' Jack said confidently.

Owen shrugged. 'Even with your abilities, that's still going to take a day or two. I'll put in a few stitches in the meantime, just to close off the bleeding, but you shouldn't put any weight on it for at least twenty-four hours.'

Jack sighed, looking up at his lover.

'Guess I ruined date night plans.'

'Not at all,' Ianto replied. 'You won't need your leg for a movie at the drive in.'

'It's the bit that comes after I was worried about.'


	434. The key to the universe

It had felt like a forgiveness, as The Doctor slipped the key in his hand, promising him that he could come back and travel with him any time.

After everything they'd been through -the year that never was- travelling with The Doctor would be never quite be the same. Still, the promise of new adventures would always hold allure.

As he stood by the rail, watching the water ripple across the bay, the key on its string felt heavy around his neck. A century and a half of waiting to escape, now he was just glad to finally be home.


	435. Weighed down

The keys weighed him down, his pocket bulging. He needed to get rid of some.

Car keys, keys for his drawers, where he kept his most private items, keys for locks around the hub, keys for the flats of all his staff.

Having an idea, he unclipped the fob. He could have work keys and home keys. He begun sorting them on the desk. In the end, his home set contained just two keys, his key for Ianto's flat, and his TARDIS key, the two most precious keys in the world.

He sighed, reattaching them. So much for that idea.


	436. Give and take

Jack looked up at Ianto, then back down at the small box on his desk.

'What is it?' he asked.

'Open it and you'll find out.'

It was probably nothing, Jack thought. Maybe one of those nice cupcakes from the patisserie nearby. It most certainly wasn't a ring, he prayed. Ianto wasn't that brave. At least he didn't think so.

He pried it open with trepidation. Inside was a key.

'I already have a key for your flat.'

'I know. I thought it might mean more that I gave you one, instead of you just having one.'

And it did.


	437. Critical negotiations

Owen watched in disbelief as Jack went sulking back to his office, tail between his legs. Ianto didn't even look smug about it.

'How they hell do you do that?' Owen asked.

Ianto grinned. 'The key to any good negotiation is to not let the other party think you won't honour your end of the bargain, and that they're getting more out of it than you are.'

'You get a report, he gets a blow job. I think he's getting more out of it than you are.'

'He was getting one anyway. At least now I get my report done.'


	438. Big trouble

Jack and his companion huddled in the corner of the room.

He gulped audibly.

'My, what big ears you have!'

'All the better to hear you with.'

'Any my, what big eyes you have!'

'All the better to see you with.'

Jack gulped again, his companion quivering.

'And my, what big teeth you have!'

'All the better to eat you with!'

Ianto bolted up the stairs two at a time, hearing the scream, colliding into something running in the opposite direction. He grabbed it in his arms.

'Jack! What have I told you about making Mica's bedtime stories too scary?'


	439. Blowing up

Jack stood there, watching it grow before his very eyes.

'Bigger,' he said.

Ianto drew in another breath and blew, letting it grow wider.

'Bigger,' Jack repeated.

Ianto blew again.

'Keep going,' Jack instructed.

He pulled away. 'You know there's a limit on how big this can go, don't you?'

'We're not there yet. Keep blowing.'

'If I pass out I expect you to catch me before I hit the ground.'

'Shut up and blow.'

Ianto sucked in another breath and blew, the object filling out.

'Perfect,' Jack said. 'One Mica's party penguin balloon done, only nineteen more to go.'


	440. Size matters

Ianto reached into the cupboard to fetch the mugs. Jack's was missing. He looked around for it, certain he'd washed it last night and put it away. Walking back past their desks in search of it, he spied a miniature version on Owen's desk with the same blue and white stripes.

'What did you do to it?'

Owen grinned. 'Finally got that shrink ray to work. Needed a test subject.'

'But that's Jack's favourite.'

'It still is. Not like I broke it or anything.'

'I'll try to remind him of that when I serve him up an expresso sized coffee.'


	441. Bigger is better

Jack and Owen stared down at the object in the flat. The occupant was dead, but had stood little chance.

'That's the biggest one I've ever seen,' Owen said, in awe. 'And I've seen plenty.'

Jack shrugged. 'I've seen bigger.'

'Bollocks, you have not,' Owen retorted.

'I have. You should see Ianto's. It's uh, very impressive, and considering how much use it gets, you really want it to be that size.'

'You don't suppose we could take it back with us? You know, seeing as how he's not going to need it anymore.'

'If you want the bed, it's yours.'


	442. Out of tune

Jack could hear the pained sound from his office. Or maybe if was someone crying. He listened for a minute longer, trying to discern which it was. Being unable to decide, he stood up to go and investigate.

The sound was emanating from downstairs in the autopsy bay, but all he could see was Owen working away on the alien corpse in front of him.

'Everything okay?' Jack asked.

'S'fine,' Owen replied.

'Was that you making that noise?'

'Well it wasn't the corpse. Can't a guy hum while he works?'

'If you think that was humming, you must be tone deaf.'


	443. A call for help

"You've reached Gwen and Rhys, please leave a message and we'll get back to you. If we remember."

"After the tone please leave your message."

'Gwen, hi, it's Ianto. Um, when you get this is there any chance you could come to the hub? Jack has locked us in one of the cells,'

'Accidentally,'

'Shut up! If you could hurry, that would be great because the sedative on this weevil is going to wear off pretty soon. What? Oh, and um, just a warning, neither of us are wearing any clothes. Don't ask. Right, well, see you soon. I hope.'


	444. A colour for all seasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'Oh, I like that,' Jack said, admiring the pale mauve shirt Ianto was holding up, 'very sexy. Here, I think this tie would go nicely.'

'I think you're right,' he replied, admiring the royal purple before handing it to the shop assistant. Shopping with Jack was actually quite fun.

He rifled through the rack pausing over various shades, pulling one out.

'Peach?' he asked.

'Nope, you don't have the right skin tone to pull that off. What about grey?'

Ianto scrunched his nose. 'I think I've gone off grey. It's too monotone and boring.'

'Well, we can't have that,' Jack grinned. 'There's always red,' he added, fingering a scarlet sleeve.

'Jack, even at the rate I go through shirts, I own more red than any other colour.'

He shrugged. 'Just saying.'

'You could try deviating from blue.'

'I have green,' he argued.

'It's aqua, which is half blue.'

'Well, I like blue.'

'You like not changing.'

'Ianto, ask yourself, would you really want to see me wearing pink? What about my street cred?'

Ianto laughed. 'Since when are you worried about street cred?'

'I need to look dashing and authoritative.'

'You could manage that without any clothes on at all.'


	445. Dirty work

'Jack,' Ianto cried, 'what on earth have you been doing in here?'

Jack's office was covered in a thick layer of dust, coating every single object and available surface.

Jack held up his hands beseechingly. 'Ianto, I can explain.'

'You had better.'

He ran his finger across Jack's desk, drawing a thick line in the grey dust, and holding up the now blackened tip as exhibit A.

'I wouldn't do that if I were you,' Jack warned, pulling a face.

'Why not?'

'That's not dust. It's exploded alien.'

'Oh!' he exclaimed, looking at his finger in horror. 'That's just, ew!'


	446. Uncovered

'And you're sure it must be here?' Jack asked, standing at the door of Owen's apartment.

'Well, it's nowhere to be found at the hub,' Owen replied, 'so it must have snuck home with me. Probably crawled into my pocket or something.'

'Okay people,' Jack ordered, 'spread out and start searching. It's probably frightened, so check every nook and cranny. Gwen, search the living room. Tosh, kitchen. Ianto check the bathroom, laundry and the study. I'll search the bedroom.'

'Maybe you better let me do that, Jack,' Owen offered.

'Why?' Jack grinned. 'Afraid I'll find your collection of dirty magazines?'


	447. Idle conversation

'I keep telling you Jack, it's too big,' Owen heard Ianto say.

'There's no such thing as too big, Ianto. The only problem is the opening is too small.'

Ianto scoffed. 'Yes, I'll just make it bigger for you so you can get it in.'

'You need to relax. With enough wriggling, I'm sure we can get it in.'

'Would you two stop, please!' Owen yelled. 'I can't take it anymore!'

'What's your problem?' Jack asked.

'You two talking about sex!'

'Don't be so dirty minded. We're only arguing about how to get our new sofa into the living room.'


	448. Playing dirty

Ianto felt incensed by Jack's reaction. One second he'd been happily plodding back through the field, alien toaster in hand, and the next he was on his arse in a thick pile of mud.

'Stop laughing!'

'But it's funny.'

'You won't be laughing when you get the dry cleaning bill.'

'I'll live,' Jack said, continuing to laugh.

'Oh, really?' He gave Jack's coat a sharp tug, upending him into the mud.

'Now who's laughing?'

'Me,' Jack said, grabbing a handful of mud, dumping it onto Ianto's head.

Ianto scooped up some mud and threw it back. 'Two can play dirty.'


	449. The little things

There were lots of things he enjoyed about fatherhood and being a parent. In the end though, it wasn't the big things like first steps, birthday parties, or trips to amusements parks. It was the little things, the daily grind of life, the inconsequential trivialities that everyone else took for granted.

He ran the brush through the hair, feeling how soft and silky it was. He could have brushed it for hours, admiring how it matched Jack's own colour perfectly. His perfect little princess.

'Daddy, are we done yet?'

'Hmm?' Ianto replied, distractedly.

'We're going to be late for school!'


	450. Much ado about nothing

Tosh couldn't understand where the hair had come from. It was all over Owen's jacket and the back of his jeans. She didn't want to think about the possibilities. Could it be that Owen was seeing someone else? Someone with a cat from the looks of all the pale white hair. She should've known it wouldn't last between them, dropping his jacket despondently.

'Oi, Tosh,' he called out. 'Have we got one of those lint roller things?'

'In the laundry cupboard,' she sighed.

'Good,' he said, 'finally caught that bloody cat that's been prowling round the hub. Nasty little beast.'


	451. Hair-raising

Owen knew there was a reason he liked to come into work late. Weird stuff always seemed to happen early in the morning.

This morning it was the colour of everyone's hair. Tosh's was a deep violet colour which coordinated with her mauve top. Jack's was a bright royal blue, and Ianto's a rich claret red the same colour as his shirt. Gwen's was striped in shades of neon pink and fuschia. Disturbingly, none of them looked perturbed.

'Alright, what alien gadget did you lot break this time?'

'Nothing,' Gwen replied. 'We coloured our hair to raise money for charity.'


	452. Sweet moments

Ianto was asleep when he arrived home.

Jack smiled at his lover, running a hand through his hair.

He loved teasing his fingers through its softness, feeling his fingertips catch in the curls which grew more pronounced as it got longer. Ianto liked to keep it short and neat, where Jack preferred it longer.

It was dark like rich chocolate, but when he pressed his lips to it, it was the scent of crisp green apples that caught in his nose from Ianto's shampoo. If he breathed it in deep enough he could almost taste their sweetness on his tongue.


	453. Just keep smiling

Andy huddled behind the burning wreck of the car. On one side was Gwen, and on the other side was Ianto, both their faces covered in thick black soot.

Gwen smiled. He hated that smile. It was her "the world isn't ending" smile.

'Just so I know,' he began, 'Is it more likely or less likely that we all die a horrible painful death, or will it all happen so quick we won't even know about it?'

Gwen gave Ianto a look before turning back to Andy, smiling again.

'Everything will be fine.'

'Right, painful horrible death it is, then.'


	454. Winning over

The look on Ianto's face is one of fury mixed with annoyance. Jack knows he's done the wrong thing, again, but sometimes he just can't help himself. A leopard can't change its spots.

'I'm not picking up after you anymore! Your clothes can stay on the floor for all I care, and when you don't have any, you can just save the world naked! It's what you want anyway, isn't it?'

Ianto's mad, but Jack knows what to do.

'Admit it Ianto, you'd actually like that.'

And there it is, that little smile. Ianto just can't stay mad at him.


	455. A special smile

Jack says he's human, just a futuristic version of what passes for human, but Ianto is sure that there's something alien about that smile of his.

He's watched Jack in action, able to charm his way into just about anything, ten thousand watt smile blinding and disarming anyone who stands in its path. No human is capable of that.

But it's nothing compared to the way that smile makes Ianto melt into a puddle of gelatinous mush. It's different though, a little less dazzling maybe, but there's something genuinely happy in it that Ianto knows is reserved just for him.


	456. Grin and bear it

'He's doing it again,' Jack reported, staring at the screen.

'Doing what?' Ianto asked, leaning over Jack's shoulder to get a better look.

'Standing in front of Janet's cell pulling faces at her.'

They watched the bizarre spectacle, Owen pulling his mouth wide with his fingers.

'Maybe that's how they communicate,' Ianto suggested. 'Personally, I'd have tried sign language, but then I haven't been the one studying weevils for the last six months.'

Jack tapped his comms. 'Owen, what the hell are you doing?'

Owen started and turned to face the CCTV camera.

'Trying to teach Janet how to smile.'


	457. Something to smile about

Jack was grinning from ear to ear when Ianto entered, bringing coffee and croissants.

'Morning,' Ianto greeted.

'It is a very good morning,' Jack agreed.

'What are you smiling about?'

'Nothing,' Jack replied nonchalantly.

Ianto narrowed his eyes at Jack. 'I always worry when you lie outright to my face like that.'

'Can't I just be happy that everything in the world is perfect?'

'I suppose,' Ianto said slowly, before leaving, feeling Jack's gaze on him, suggesting that Jack was undressing him with his eyes.

Jack smiled wider. Discovering the x-ray setting on the alien contact lenses was perfect indeed.


	458. That fine line

Finally he had Jack right where he wanted him, trying to grin through the kiss as his hand slipped inside Jack's underwear.

'Oh God!' came Gwen's voice, preceded just slightly by the creaking of the hothouse door.

Oh God, indeed. Had she really just caught them in the act? Had she seen where he'd just had his hand?

A few minutes later Jack was calling him back inside, having sent Gwen on her merry way.

'So much for us being home alone,' Jack complained.

'That's the problem with having your home at the hub. You're never truly alone around here.'


	459. Treat yourself

It wasn't that Rhys didn't miss having Gwen at home all the time like a normal couple, but he'd rather come to enjoy being man about the house. There were just so many things you could do when you were home alone, and no, that didn't mean getting about in nothing more than a sock.

On his own, it didn't matter if he cried when Ethel had found her long lost half sister after fifty years. It also didn't matter if he double dipped his tortilla chips in the salsa. It'd go off in the fridge by next week anyway.


	460. The benefits of being single

Jack didn't love doing night duty at the hub any more than then rest of them. He liked it even less being there on his own. It was only fair. He couldn't expect Ianto to stay up all night with him then function the next day. Sometimes he slept nearby, but Jack insisted he go home. One of them should enjoy a proper bed.

Ianto stepped into the flat, ready for a quiet night in. He sighed, smiling and thinking of Jack. For a few hours, he could enjoy the fact that his flat would remain tidy without Jack there.


	461. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quadruple drabble

There was a lot of commotion coming from Jack's office late that night. Ianto wasn't sure he wanted to know what Jack was up to, but the sooner he did, the sooner they could go home.

When he stepped inside, it looked like a bomb had gone off.

'What the hell are you doing?'

'Looking for Colin,' Jack replied, fishing out his keys and unlocking his desk drawer, peeking inside.

'Well I don't think he's in a locked drawer,' Ianto replied.

'I've called for him and looked everywhere, but I can't find him. We can't go home until we do.'

 

They searched high and low, calling his name, hoping the tiny spider mouse was only playing tricks in them, but still he didn't appear.

Myf squawked overhead, disturbed by the commotion they were causing, and a little lifted by all the attention her tiny companion was receiving.

'You don't think she-,' Jack asked.

Ianto crossed his arms, looking annoyed, 'I'm offended that you would even suggest it,' he huffed. 'Myf would never eat Colin.'

'Sorry, jumping to conclusions,' Jack apologised. 'She might not, but what about the other residents?'

'You think he might have ventured downstairs?'

'I really hope not.'

 

Jack was beside himself being unable to find Colin. For someone who hated spider mice, he had become very attached to their furry little pet.

As ridiculous as it might have sounded, Ianto checked every last minute of CCTV of the cells, eyes growing sore and tired from watching hours of footage. There was no sign of Colin.

Despondently they finally headed home.

Opening the door there was a loud squeak.

'Colin?'

'He's been here, home alone this whole time?' Ianto said.

'Huh, must've forgotten to put him in my pocket and take him with us this morning.'

'You idiot.'


	462. Little white nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

It was hours since anyone had heard a peep from Jack's office. It was rare that anything captured his attention so completely, unless it was Ianto, in which case quiet was not a word to describe it. It worried Ianto more than most, knowing Jack as he did. He went to check on him.

'Hey.'

'Hey,' Jack replied.

'What are you doing?' Ianto asked.

'Nothing,' he replied blithely.

Ianto put his hands on his hips and gave Jack a hard stare.

'Why is it that you always think I'm going to believe you and eat up that obvious buffet of lies? Whenever you say you're not doing anything, I know that means you're very much up to something, and in all likelihood, something I don't approve of.'

Jack got up and swept around his desk, wrapping up Ianto in his arms.

'I promise you, cariad, there's nothing at all. Just another boring day at Torchwood.' He kissed Ianto deeply.

Boring. Huh, that'd be the day, he thought ruefully, but at least enjoying Jack's tongue in his mouth, closing his eyes.

Jack took the opportunity to slip the small box back in his pocket. Nothing indeed, he grinned. More like everything.


	463. Feeling nothing

At first he couldn't breathe for all the pain and anguish rolling around inside him like a storm. Lisa was gone and there was no way of bringing her back. Not this time.

After the pain came anger. Anger at Jack for killing her, anger at the rest of the team for not stopping him, and anger at himself for being so stupid as to think he could save her.

Then all the pain and the hurt and the anger went away, leaving him feeling nothing at all, like he was an empty shell, completely bereft of feeling, just waiting to die.


	464. Christmas surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Ianto couldn't understand it. Why did Jack insist on trying to ruin the joy of Christmas morning by wanting to get a sneak peek at his presents? Did he need time to rehearse his reaction or something? Every year was a battle to hide the gifts, and every year Jack got sneakier at finding them, and sneakier still at teasing open the wrappings and resealing them, only so he could tear them open like a three year old on Christmas morning. 

Not this year. This year Jack was getting his just desserts.

The box wasn't huge, just big enough that it could house almost anything, letting Jack's imagination run wild with possibilities. The wrapping was festive blue and white, with gold ribbon wrapped around it, making it look very tempting, even though temptation was not in short supply.

He accidentally left it in the bottom of the wardrobe. Jack naturally spied it straight away, but waited until Ianto was out on errands to come back for it.

Grinning to himself at Ianto's failure, he carefully untied the ribbon, slipping a letter opener under the tape, lifting off the lid.

Inside was nothing, just an empty box.

Dammit. He'd been conned.


	465. Powerless

Jack had to put his own guilty feelings aside for the moment. That was the thing about being the leader, your team always came first, and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for them.

They'd all taken Beth's death hard. It was difficult to convince them that they'd done nothing wrong when they'd killed her. He was equally complicit, adding two of his own bullets to the other three. She'd gotten to know them, knew that she couldn't stop herself, and used them all to achieve her own selfless end, and there was nothing they could do to change it.


	466. Safe and warm

Ianto could never quite explain, but he'd felt it from the very first moment they'd met.

Perhaps it was his physical appearance, or maybe the way he carried himself, or maybe it was those wretched fifty-first century pheromones, but Ianto knew one thing for certain. Whenever Jack was near, he felt safe.

More than that, he felt as if the world itself couldn't touch him, as if he'd been transported to another plane of existence where the rest of the world, and all its dangers and disappointments couldn't touch him.

Like Jack, he felt invincible, safe and loved and protected.


	467. Out of harm's way

'It's going in the safe, Owen,' Jack said,

'Come on, Jack,' Owen whined. 'Let's be reasonable about this.'

'I told you before,' Jack began to lecture. 'Nothing at Torchwood is to leave the hub without my express permission.'

'So this is me asking permission, then,' Owen groaned, watching Jack's deft fingers twirl the combination lock.

'This will be safer in here.'

'Yeah, well it's alright for you with your fancy pheromones and all, but how's a regular chav like me supposed to pull?'

'Why don't you try compliments? I hear the girls like a guy who makes them feel special.'


	468. Relinquishing control

Rhys knew he shouldn't worry. He couldn't help it. It was just that Torchwood was so, well, weird, and bloody dangerous too. No, Rhys, don't even go there, he told himself. Gwen is more than capable of taking care of herself. She's got a gun and everything, and looks bloody sexy carrying it too.

He'd been okay with her being a copper, knowing she was partnered up with Andy, even if he was a bit of a twat. He supposed he shouldn't worry now either. That Captain Jack would always keep her safe for him, flashy tosser that he was.


	469. Ignorance is bliss

Late night call outs were all part of the job. 

Few people would have recognised her understated blue sedan rolling up at the scene, but there were five people there who did. Their own vehicle was anything but understated.

Jack was already leaning up against her door when she reluctantly rolled down the window.

'Nothing to see here, ma'am. City is safe and the good folk of Cardiff can sleep easy tonight.'

'Do I want to know? I'm still going to have to put something in my report.'

'I'll have Ianto email you the details in the morning, DI Swanson.'


	470. Following orders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A triple drabble

Ianto's text message caught Jack a little off guard. He wasn't usually so forward, but then again, Jack was a very bad influence. Maybe some of that naughtiness had finally caught on. He had no issues with complying with Ianto's request. "Be buffed". He could do that.

Checking himself over in the mirror, he noticed that winter hadn't done him any favours. A whole lot of comfort food hadn't impacted his waistline, on account of his regenerative qualities which took care of that, but his skin was pale and lacking colour. When had they last had any kind of sunshine?

 

It didn't take much to set Jack's skin golden, but the last few months had seen nothing but rain and grey skies.

He stole an hour and hit the high street, treating himself to a mini spray tan. No sense disappointing Ianto after all.

When he finally finished up and headed home, he didn't hesitate in divesting his clothes as soon as he was in the door.

'Honey, I'm home!' he called.

Ianto came to greet him, and raised two eyebrows. 'I thought we'd have dinner first,' he said, trying to keep his voice level.

'Whatever suits you,' Jack grinned.

 

 

Ianto frowned. 'Where's the coffee?'

'What coffee?'

Ianto sighed. 'The coffee I told you to pick up on the way home! I specifically said don't forget to buy coffee.'

'When did you say that?'

'I texted you!' He pulled out his phone to show him the message. He paused, looking at the screen. 'Oh, well, that does explain a few things, then.'

The message read, "Don't forget to be buffed". Wretched predictive text. He couldn't very well be mad at Jack for his own stupidity.

'So, you meant to type coffee?' Jack asked.

'Yep. Not a bad consolation prize, though.'


	471. Mindless task

At first, he'd been scared to touch it. It wasn't natural, and he worried that it might try to hurt him. Then he remembered himself. This wasn't some monster, this was the woman he loved. What did he have to be afraid of?

Every inch of her was covered in blood and grime. He took the cloth and gently began rinsing the worst off the metal and skin. Once he was done, he took a second cloth and buffed the metal parts to a high sheen.

Now it was just habit, every day, taking his mind off what came next.


	472. Re-buffed

He stood there and listened as Jack droned on with his list of instructions.

Seriously? It was just a car. The company car, but still just a car. One that was going to get dirty doing the job they did. It wasn't as if he hadn't cleaned it, but apparently a good hosing no longer met anyone's exacting standards.

'I want it so buffed and polished that I can see Ianto's face in the hood,' Jack said.

That was for later when he planned on taking him over the front of the car, but Owen didn't need to know that.


	473. Needing more

It was no secret that Jack liked to spend time standing on the rooftops of Cardiff, looking out over the city.

Ianto knew and respected that sometimes Jack needed alone time, whether it was because of a bad day, a good day, or just to contemplate the enormity of immortality. It didn't mean however that he always liked the idea of Jack being alone at those times.

If Jack was going to get through the bad times, he needed people around him. Being on top of the world didn't make him feel like he was on top of the world.


	474. A watchful eye

It's freezing up here, Ianto thought, huddled by the edge of the rooftop. What he wouldn't give to be wrapped up nice and warm somewhere, or wrapped up nice and warm with someone. Instead he was out here, conducting his vigil.

Jack was perched on the rooftop down below him, a block across from where he stood. It wasn't the highest roof in Cardiff, but it was perilous. One quick gust of wind could send Jack tumbling hundreds of feet to the ground.

Jack needed space to be alone, but that didn't mean someone wasn't still looking out for him.


	475. Sticky situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Owen looked up to find Jack standing there.

'You'll get your bloody report when I'm done with it,' he moaned, sick of being nagged. 

'No,' Jack mumbled, sounding a bit like he was drunk, or having a stroke.

Owen looked at him.

'What's your problem?'

'Ny nung ees nuck noo na oof uh I now.'

'What?'

Jack huffed and tried again, slower this time.

'Ny nung ees nuck,' he said pointing at his mouth.

'Yep, still no idea,' Owen replied. 'Ianto! He's talking alien again,' he yelled across the hub, effectively summoning the young man.

'No, he said his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth.'

'Oh. And how did this happen?'

'Nee nozen I salt.'

'Well, whose fault was it, then?' Ianto replied, seemingly fluent in nonsense.

Jack mumbled a few more incoherent sounds before Ianto silenced him.

'I've warned you about eating stuff that comes through the rift, but no, what would Ianto know?'

'Ni norni.'

'So you should be. Owen, can I leave you to sort this out? Some kind of alien taffy, probably past it's use by. I'd give you a sample, but he ate it all.'

'We couldn't just leave him like that?'


	476. Room with a view

'Jack,' Ianto called out, getting no response as he stuck his head in their bedroom, looking around. He checked the study, before padding downstairs, checking the living room, kitchen and laundry, calling out Jack's name again. Where the hell was he?

He stepped out into the small garden, calling out into the night.

'Up here!'

Ianto looked up, spotting the ladder parked against the side of the house, Jack perched on their roof.

'What are you doing?'

'Admiring the view.'

'What view? The smelly river, the train lines?'

'Nope. The Welshman in my garden wearing Snoopy boxer shorts.'

'Very funny.'


	477. Going deeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A six part drabble

'You.' It was just one word, but conveyed a whole range of emotions. It didn't take an idiot to know she was mad. Alice Guppy despised him at the best of times.

If you needed proof the universe hates you, Jack, I think you just got it, he thought ruefully

'Get in there and get him out,' she barked.

No sooner was he on his feet than she had him by the ear, twisting it sharply and earning a hiss from him.

'What the blazes are you playing at? You think it's funny sending us on a wild goose chase?'

 

She seethed the entire way back, having quickly ushered them all into a hansom. Charles had given Jack his coat to cover himself, but he still looked like a homeless waif.

'Finally I think maybe we've discovered something incredible, buried right here in the heart of Cardiff, and all we find is you.'

She fingered the ring, not letting Jack keep it. Somehow he was going to need to get that back.

'You have a lot of explaining to do when we get back,' she ordered.

Indeed he did, but more pressing was ensuring he didn't cross his own timeline.

 

Emily didn't bother with formalities. Nor did she bother letting Jack get cleaned up. His mostly still nakedness didn't perturbe her.

'Alice is most displeased, which makes me most displeased.'

Two for one deal, Jack. Well done. Always your best work when you get them both offside.

'Would you like to tell me why you were buried underground?'

'I can't.'

'Can't? Or won't?'

'I'm from the future, Emily. I'm not the me from this timeline. Whatever you do, you need to make sure that I don't find out I'm here. You can't say anything.'

'And who put you in charge?'

 

'Emily, listen to me, please,' he implored. 'I was taken back in time two thousand years and buried here. I'm still over a hundred years from the future where I'm meant to be found. I can't be here now.'

'Shall I have Alice put you back underground where she found you? I think she'd rather like that.'

That's when the idea hit him.

'Put me in the morgue. Set the timer to wake me again where I intersect with my current timeline a hundred years in the future.'

'And why would I do that?'

'Because the future depends on it.'

 

Alice insisted on having the self same argument with him. It didn't matter though. He'd somehow convinced Emily, and that was all he needed.

'Just remember, you can't ever tell the me here that I've crossed my timeline. That means not a word, no written reports, nothing.'

'Stop telling us what to do,' Alice growled. 'You're not in charge around here.'

Yet, he felt like saying. 

'Here's the chloroform you requested,' Charles said, handing him the cloth.

'Thanks.'

He lay down inside the narrow cabinet. It wasn't quite being buried alive, but it was still being locked away deep underground.

 

Opening his eyes, he prayed it wasn't the face of Alice or Emily that greeted him. Those two were never good at keeping their promises.

Instead it was part relief and part horror that the face he found was Gray's. Gray who had put him in his prison for two thousand years, unable to forgive him.

And he'd served his sentence, suffering for the sake of the life he'd stolen from his brother.

Now though he'd have to steal it from him once again in order to save the city.

He prayed that after so many years, Gray might forgive him.


	478. Weather woes

Jack could see the black clouds rolling across the sky, looking dark and ominous.

It was going to be another one of those typical Welsh winter days, like hundreds before it. The heavens would open up and wouldn't stop until every last drop of water was squeezed from the sky, sending miniature rivers of water rushing down the streets. Even as he thought it, a large rumble rattled windows and shook walls.

Let it rain, Jack thought. He was tucked up in bed for the day with his favourite Welshman. What did it matter what the weather decided to do?


	479. Failed experiment

Call it hobby or call it obsession, but Owen had grown quite fond of his alternate profession as team botanist. He liked experimenting with the various by-products of the plants in their hothouse, aiming to identify potential new drugs.

Things didn't always go to plan though when he started mixing chemical compounds with alien substances. The enormous pink cloud of gas that wafted up from the lab caught both of them by surprise, and before anyone could stop them, he and Ianto were snogging like mad teenagers.

Another failed experiment, but Jack made him bottle it anyway. Just in case.


	480. Cloudy with a chance of what?

Ianto couldn't remember the last time he'd seen such a look of sheer glee on Jack's face. This was better than Easter, Christmas and all the bank holidays put together.

He held the umbrella tightly, unsure how much longer it might hold up against the inclement weather, but what choice did he have? If he didn't follow Jack's every move, his lover was likely to get knocked out, or at least severely bruised.

Jack couldn't have cared less, madly filling a bucket.

Ianto was sure this morning's forecast hadn't mentioned anything about being cloudy with a chance of chocolate honeycomb.


	481. Flying free

She knew he didn't like to let her out during the day, in case someone saw her. She also knew that it was as much for her safety as anything else. Humans were strange, and she still remembered the day she'd been pelted with rocks by those nasty little human children when she'd flown too close.

Still, today the cloud was hanging low and thick, and he conceded letting her out. It didn't do much for her visibility but she didn't care. She liked the feeling of bursting through the thick white, letting the tiny water droplets hit her skin.


	482. Going the distance

Ianto grinned over the top of his scarf wrapped tight against the wintery weather.

'Ready to defend your title as best pilot this side of the Milky Way?' he asked.

Jack grinned back. 'Ready. You'll never out fly me!'

'On three.'

Jack didn't wait, jettisoning his aircraft. Ianto rolled his eyes and let fly on the next gust of wind. Both craft soared high, but suddenly Jack's began to nosedive, plummeting into the icy cold waters of the bay.

'Ha!' Ianto cried. 'I win!'

'I swear you cheated,' Jack sulked.

'Just admit I make a better paper plane than you.'


	483. Up, up, and away

'I told you we should have used a guide,' Tosh complained, looking out over the edge at their current location.

'It'll be fine,' Owen assured her. 'If Jack can do it, anyone can. Piece of piss,' he said, tugging back the release valve on the tank.

'The difference being Jack is now safely in Penarth, and we're beginning to float out over the Bristol Channel. They don't have life jackets on hot air balloons!'

'It's just a freak gust of wind. We'll be back on course in no time. Beside, how else were we going to seed that alien raincloud?'


	484. Uncontrolled descent (sequel to Up, up, and away)

'Uh Jack,' Ianto said, pointing out over the headland at the large green hot air balloon. 'I think we have a problem.'

Jack turned to follow Ianto's directions. 'I told him not to use any more gas. How the hell does he expect to land a balloon full of hot air?'

'By using it all up and crashing into the ocean, I suspect.'

'Well, they won't crash,' Jack assured him. 'The air will cool at a steady rate. More like a controlled descent. With a bumpy landing.'

'Well, we'd better get the rescue boat ready, or they'll both have hypothermia.'


	485. Flying high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'Why won't you tell me what it is?' Jack complained, crossing his arms as he sat in the passenger seat.

'Because then it wouldn't be a birthday surprise,' Ianto replied, feeling he was stating the obvious.

'Well, can I say the blindfold is a very good start,' Jack grinned beneath it.

'It's not that kind of surprise.'

'Oh.'

'Don't sound so disappointed.'

The car finally stopped and Ianto guided Jack out and across a long stretch of concrete, before unveiling the object in front of them. A 1940s Stearman Model 75 biplane.

'She's no fighter jet, but I figure you like the old classics better, anyway.'

'She's beautiful,' Jack said, stroking the taut blue metal skin, and admiring the bright yellow wings. 'I still remember training in these during the war.'

'I thought you might. I did my research on the United States Air Force.'

'Can't be many survived all these years.'

'There aren't. But she's all yours.'

'I don't know what to say.'

'I know you miss flying, so I thought you could take her up wherever you wanted. Might stop you tying to get your kicks from thrashing the SUV.'

'Promise you'll come fly with me?'

'We'll see.'


	486. Starstruck

Ianto settled into the comfy first class seat. After two days of chasing rogue aliens around Antwerp, all he planned doing from here to Heathrow was sleeping.

Before he could find sleep however, Jack nudged him roughly.

'Ianto!'

'What?' he said, not opening his eyes.

'It's him.'

'Him who?' he mumbled, annoyed that Jack wanted to play games.

'The... the...' Jack leaned in so he was right next to Ianto's ear and whispered. 'The guy who looks like me!'

'John Barrowman?'

'Sshhh!' Jack hissed.

'So why don't you go over and say hello. Haven't you always wanted to meet yourself?'


	487. In-flight entertainment (sequel to Starstruck)

When Ianto woke, Jack was missing from the seat next to him. It didn't take long to discern his raucous laugher emanating two rows in front of him.

'Uh, hello,' he said, standing over the two identical men, because that wasn't weird.

'Oh, this is my boyfriend Ianto,' Jack introduced him. 'He's a big fan.'

'Pleased to meet you. Jack has been telling me all about his crazy fan stories. Sorry about that. Never expected a doppelganger,' John apologised. 'Does explain a few of the selfies, though.'

'Jack has always been popular with the ladies.'

'And the boys,' Jack added.


	488. Get your grind on

For Ianto Jones, there were few things more enjoyable than the process of making exceptional coffee.

Whilst there wasn't always the luxury of being able to grind the beans himself - because it always tasted best when they were freshly ground - it didn't stop him from taking time out on a quiet day to visit his favourite shop.

Inside, the noise of the grinding machines was like a cacophony of artillery fire, but the smell... Gods, he could have died and gone to heaven.

If the beans smelled that good now, he could only imagine how good the coffee would taste.


	489. Drowning in red tape

When he'd joined the police force, Andy expected that no two days would ever be the same. That was a good thing. Who wanted to be stuck in a mindless office job, having to make idle conversation with people you didn't like, and insufferable know it all bosses? Better to be out on the streets, meeting new people, helping out, always on the move.

What he hadn't realised was that the associated paperwork would become such a daily grind. Honestly, he'd never filed so much paperwork in his life.

Maybe they should arrest the CPS for outrageous misuse of trees.


	490. On the nerves

Jack sat there, slowly grinding his teeth, the only thing he could do to work out his irritation and impatience without it showing.

Bridget Spears, officious, self-important gatekeeper of the Home Office. He hated being here and she knew it. Frobisher was a pushover, but Bridget made him sit there and wait like a chastised schoolboy in the principal's office.

'She seems perfectly pleasant to me,' Ianto always said.

Rubbish, Jack thought. She might be all nicey, nicey for Ianto, but the woman had a vendetta against him, and would do whatever she could to put him off his game.


	491. Perking up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

The scent hit Jack as he climbed the ladder to this office. Was Ianto wearing a new cologne? It was bit feminine and flowery for his liking.

'Ah, good, you're here,' Ianto said. 'Take these,' he said, handing Jack a pair of gardener's shears.

'What's this for?'

'That,' Ianto said, pointing out the window.

'What the... hell?' Jack said, spying the long carpet of green that had spread from the hothouse, all the way down the stairs and slowly creeping towards their workstations. Well, that explained the smell, Jack thought, seeing hundreds of peach coloured blooms nestled amongst the greenery.

'That wasn't there last night,' Jack said.

'Yeah, I think we would have noticed the hub being taken over by plants,' Ianto agreed.

Jack went out for a closer inspection, the strong perfume of the flowers making his head spin. 'I've seen this plant. It's been up there for ages. Why the sudden growth spurt now? Did Owen feed it something new?'

Ianto furrowed his brow in deep thought, then looked guilty. 'Oh.'

'Oh, what?'

'I gave Owen the coffee grinds. He said they were good for plants.'

'Well, looks like we're not the only ones impressed by your coffee.'


	492. Once bitten

Ianto hissed in pain as the needle went in, hand still throbbing like crazy, bloodied and painful. It was a relief when the drugs began to kick in, making it all gently faded away. Even though he couldn't feel it anymore, it didn't make what Owen was doing any less pleasant, watching him slowly sew up the long gash.

'Is this the part where I lecture you that Myf is a wild animal and not a pet?' Owen asked.

'Probably,' Ianto sighed. 'It's not her fault. She was just a little over enthusiastic to get at the fish in my hand.'


	493. Harsh words

She couldn't even remember how they'd ended up here, arguing about Owen's love life. She'd made some comment about his past history with Suzie, and then with Gwen, and then he'd snapped.

'At least I'm not going to be sad and pathetic forever like you.'

Ouch. Owen had said some spiteful things over the years, but he'd never sunk so low as that.

Don't cry, Tosh. Whatever you do, don't let him see how much he's hurting you.

She didn't have to. There was a flash of blue out of nowhere, and a sharp slapping sound.

'Apologise. Now!' Jack barked.


	494. Pain relief

'That's looks like it really hurts,' Ianto said, holding Jack's hand, looking at him, sympathetically. Owen had washed away most of the blood and dirt, but his clothes told the story of his latest attempt at saving the world. At least he hadn't died, though it seemed selfish to think that might have been better.

'Mmm, it's not so bad,' Jack said. 'I think Owen gave me something,' he added, sounding vague about the details.

'Probably,' Ianto agreed, noticing the glazed look. 'Anything I can do?'

'Undress and make love to me?'

'Yep, Owen's definitely pulled out the strong stuff.'


	495. Workplace safety

Torchwood was dangerous at the best of times. That was the problem with dealing with alien stuff. It was like to chew, sting, bite, claw, or poison.

Then there was always the sentient ones, who might throw a punch, shove you off the edge of a building, or just go with the good old fashioned method of shooting you.

Aliens artifacts weren't much better, zapping you, blowing your hand off, mutating you, or sending you to another dimension.

'Ouch!' Ianto cried, shoving his bleeding finger in his mouth. Why did files in the archives have to be so sharp?


	496. Leather and lace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Jack had promised him something special for tonight, assuming the rift didn’t have other ideas, which it often did.

Jack pulled out a steamer trunk that had sat idle under a table for as long as he could remember, dragging it across the room, enthusiastically opening the lid.

Ianto peered reluctantly inside the box and was more than a little stunned. Inside appeared to be all manner of things, fashioned in leather and latex and lace, most of which he’d never seen before, and some he was embarrassed to be able to identify, even if he’d never used them himself.

The more he looked though, the more the majority of them looked like torture devices rather than anything else. He’d heard about people that played games and had dominant/submissive relationships, getting off on inflicting pain on their lovers, or being punished by them, but he wasn’t too keen on the idea himself. Jack had a darkness about him that Ianto didn’t really want to explore.

'You’re not planning on using those...' he swallowed hard, '...on me, are you?'

Jack leaned over and gave him the gentlest of kisses. 'Trust me, Ianto. You really have no idea what you’ve been missing.'


	497. Frill me

Owen couldnt help but laugh at the item in Jack's hands.

'Shut up.'

Gwen peered over Owen's shoulder, barely able to conceal her own amusement.

'What... is that?' she asked.

Jack huffed. 'It's a shirt of course.'

'Looks like a dress,' Owen said.

'Oh,' Gwen said, holding up the sleeve, 'it's so pretty and lacy,' she mocked.

'I'll have you know this was the epitome of fashion back in Victorian days.'

'I'm sure you looked lovely,' Gwen grinned.

'All the same,' Ianto said, pulling it from Jack's hands, 'I think we'd prefer it if you stuck to twentieth century garb.'


	498. Too tight for comfort

'I feel ridiculous,' Ianto moaned, inspecting himself in the mirror.

'Nonsense,' Jack replied. 'You're straight up and down. You have the perfect figure for leather pants.'

'They feel way too tight. I don't even know how we got them on.'

'C'mon, you're talking to an expert, here. The only thing I know better is how to get a guy out of them.'

'Which you might need to very soon,' Ianto said, realising just how tight they were, hugging certain assets a little too much for his liking.

Jack didn't care. Ianto's arse in leather was like a gift from heaven.


	499. Snug fit

'How's it feel?' Jack asked.

'Um, different,' Ianto replied.

'Different how? I need you to be straight with me. If anything feels wrong, you need to let me know.'

Ianto nodded. 'Okay. Well, it feels a little bit tight.'

Jack smiled. 'That's okay. I expect it would feel a bit snug if it's your first time. You'll get used to it.'

Ianto looked at him with an expression that said he wasn't sure he'd ever get used to this.

'Ready?'

'Guess so. Just one thing, though.'

'Mmm?'

'Probably not a good time to tell you I don't like being underwater.'


	500. Medical opinion

Owen had seen plenty of bizarre things, but this was testing his ability to stay professional in the face of a medical emergency. Well, emergency was probably too strong a word.

The painted clowns faces that the others were sporting didn't seem to be doing any harm, but neither were they going away. No matter how hard they scrubbed it just wouldn't come off.

By the time he got to see his last patient, he couldn't contain himself anymore. Ianto's face was the grumpiest looking clown he'd ever seen.

'So, I have to ask,' Owen began. 'Do you feel funny?'


	501. Feeling at home

Jack watched her hitting the target like an expert, her face a mask of complete concentration on the task before her until the gun clicked on empty. She set it down on the bench and pulled off the protective goggles.

'You're a natural,' Jack said.

Suzie smiled back at him. She was the opposite of Tosh in almost every respect.

'Thanks. The grip feels good. Never had a gun before.'

'Gumshoes don't get to shoot people?' Jack joked.

'Not in Cardiff,' she replied. 'Maybe they should.'

'It's for emergencies only,' Jack qualified. 'I hope you'll never have to use it.'


	502. Down in the bones

He stood on the edge of the bay looking out over the water with an expression of worry. He'd lived here long enough to know when something was coming. It was like being able to smell the ozone in the hours leading up to a storm. Perhaps it was the time vortex that ran through his veins, fizzling at the disturbances in the fabric of spacetime, but he felt it right down in his bones.

'What's wrong?' Ianto asked, coming to stand beside him, two cups of coffee in his hands, carefully passing one to Jack.

'Something's coming. Something big.'


	503. Framing it up

Ianto came to a dead stop in the room when he saw Jack sitting there on their sofa, lounging back and reading a report of some kind.

‘What on earth are you wearing?’ he asked, seeing the pair of spectacles perched on Jack’s nose.

‘They’re reading glasses, silly.’

‘Since when do you need glasses? Don’t tell me your immortality is finally wearing off?’

Jack laughed. ‘I’ve been reading for hours. These help with the headaches. You don’t like them?’

Ianto paused and considered his lover. Oddly, the frames suited his face quite well.

‘Strangely, they make you look quite intellectual.’


	504. Prizeworthy

Ianto rolled his eyes as Jack gleefully streamed past with the piece of paper in his hand.

‘I’m gonna get it framed and hang it just here,’ Jack said, pointing to the bare patch of wall in his office.

Ianto crossed his arms, standing firm. ‘Well, you can go and buy the frame then. Personally I find it embarrassing that you would even be proud of that.’

Ianto was certain that Jack was just moments away from being sick, vomiting up the fifteen blueberry pies he’d scoffed. He hadn’t even wanted to go with Jack to the pie eating contest, but he was afraid that Jack would need someone to cart his sorry self home, trapped in a sugary comatose, or with the world’s worse stomach ache. To his chagrin, Jack looked in peak condition. He even suggested Ianto make coffee to help digest it all. He was never going to get those horrific images out of his head. Just thinking about anyone eating that much pie made him want to be sick.

‘You’re just jealous,’ Jack huffed, watching Ianto’s expression.

‘Hardly. It wasn’t even first prize.’

‘Seriously? Did you see the guy that won? He was 400 pounds plus.’


	505. In the frame

‘Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into,’ Ianto complained, picking up his feet from the puddles of water on the ground, perching them on the edge of the narrow bench.

Everything about the place was narrow and cramped. It was good to know that wherever you went in the universe, prison cells were all the same.

‘We’re being framed, Ianto,’ Jack replied. ‘Doesn’t that make you even the slightest bit mad?’

‘A more constructive use of our time would be figuring out who and how. I don’t plan on spending our first hundred years together locked up.’


	506. Ianto Jones - Master barrista

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Ianto paused in front of Jack's desk, waiting for him to take that first sip of coffee and judge it. 

He'd never been paranoid about his coffee making skills before, but ever since Jack had said that occasionally his coffee wasn't up to scratch, every cup brought a slight anxiety. They'd only just started shagging. Coffee should be the least of his problems.

'Is it okay, sir?'

'Perfect,' Jack replied.

'You're sure?'

'Positive.'

'I just thought, you know, if it could be better, I can always brew another batch. You only have to say so.'

Jack smiled and stood up, walking around his desk. 'Ianto, it's fine.'

'But you said,'

'Forget what I said. It was heat of the moment. I said it to teach you that there's danger in pride.'

Jack lifted the mug to Ianto's face. 'Smell that?'

Ianto took a hesitant sniff, then a longer one. The aroma of good coffee always made him feel happy.

'Everyone has days where they're off their game,' Jack said, 'but even on your worst day, your coffee is still a hundred times better than anyone else's. The best in the world.'

'Well, maybe not the world,' Ianto blushed.

'Close enough.'


	507. Owen Harper - Ladies man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Jack didn't need to see it from across the other side of the room. He could hear the sound of the slap on the other end of his comms, Owen clutching the side of his face. Yeah, that would've hurt.

For all his self confidence, Jack knew that his talents for charming his way in to, or out of, anything had their limitations. True, few people could do what he did, and his 51st century pheromones played their part, but it was equally true that some were simply immune to them. The key was to be able to pick them.

There were bars and there were bars. This was the latter kind; the kind Jack didn't frequent. Its staff and clientele were as like to quash his advances as they were to reciprocate, but they needed to know what people had seen here last night. He'd thought perhaps the barmaid might take a shining more towards Owen's slightly rougher edges. Some girls went for that. Just clearly not this one. Maybe she was an Errol Flynn kinda gal after all.

'Thanks for taking one for the team,' Jack said, as Owen approached. 'I'm guessing she didn't see anything?'

'Piss off.'


	508. Gwen Cooper - Dog with a bone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Jack had always complimented Gwen on her investigative skills, saying that the team was better for having her here, but she didn't quite agree with him.

Sure, policing was all about obtaining information in sometimes difficult circumstances and making connections between it all, but she couldn't take credit for that. Torchwood's computers did most of the work, and she barely had to do more than a couple of clicks and keystrokes and a whole raft of data was right there at her fingertips. No more trawling through filing cabinets, ringing around, trying to find experts on this thing or that. The hub did all that and more, providing fresh insights into otherwise unrelated pieces of information.

No the real skill was in not giving up on any investigation until it was solved. All the data in the world couldn't help if you didn't care enough to follow it where it lead you. And when you finally did get to the end of it, it was all about what you chose to do. What actions did you take when you were faced with the horror? That was where she was different from them. She knew how to see past the horror.


	509. Toshiko Sato - Quiet genius

It hadn't ever occurred to her that she was wasting her skills in her current occupation. Her parents had both worked for the Department of Defence, and now so was she. She'd ticked the box that made her parents proud, but she was capable of so much more than crunching numbers in spreadsheets.

It had taken an act of depraved criminality and desperation to show her what she'd squandered, needing Jack to point out to her what a brilliant mind she possessed.

'The plans don't work. They have mistakes in them.'

No, they couldn't have. She'd followed them precisely. It worked. She'd seen it work. Or heard it, more to the point.

Jack was just sitting there across from her, grinning. 'Oh baby, you're good. I mean, you're good now. Imagine what you'd be like with a little training.'

Training? What kind of training? Who was this man?

He frowned. 'Oh. Shame you're gonna be locked up for so long.'

No, it was all a mistake. She hadn't meant to break any laws. She'd only been trying to save her mother. Yes, she had skills. She could be useful. She could offer herself, if only he'd get her out of here.


	510. Jack Harkness - People person

Gwen leaned her elbows on the front of the SUV, watching the scene play out across the street. Ianto sidled up next to her, offering a weak takeaway tea whilst they waited.

'I've seen it a hundred times and I still don't know how he does it,' she said, unable to tear her eyes away.

'It's a definite skill,' Ianto agreed. 'Half the time he tries it on me, I've said yes to whatever crazy idea he's come up with before I even realised I've been played, hook, line and sinker. It's almost embarrassing.'

'I know. It's that damn smile.'

'It's more than that. It's the way he gets inside your head with his compliments, breaking down your defenses, until you're a helpless pile of putty in his hands.'

'Thought you'd be immune to it by now.'

Ianto let out a rueful chuckle. 'So did I. Bastard.'

When they'd arrived an hour ago, Detective Swanson had flat out refused to let them into her crime scene. SOCO were going to get all the time they wanted before Torchwood came in and ruined their scene, stealing valuable evidence.

Jack signaled towards them, lifting up the police tape.

'Jack Harkness strikes again.'


	511. The real Ianto Jones

'When did you last ask me anything about my life?'

The words cut Jack deep, but it was nothing compared to the expression of raw grief and anger on Ianto's face. It was like he'd become another person. Or perhaps it was Jack seeing the real Ianto Jones for the first time; the one hidden so carefully under that calm facade and suit.

He wanted to take that pain away, but he felt so angry himself that he had been used. He was ready to fashion that anger into a weapon and use it against Ianto if he had to.


	512. Chow time

'That's disgusting,' Owen said, cringing at the sight, face pinched at the smell.

'You cut up alien corpses for a living and you think that's gross?' Ianto replied, setting the bucket and knife aside, washing his hands. 'Besides, it doesn't smell that bad. It's fresh. It smells like the ocean.'

'Whatever,' Owen grumbled. 'Just glad it isn't my job.'

Ianto rolled his eyes and picked up the bucket, carrying it upstairs and whistling. Myfanwy squawked and tottered out to meet him.

'Breakfast,' he said. 'Nice fish from the markets. Got up extra early for the good stuff, not the leftovers.'


	513. Masterchef

'I'm not eating that,' Ianto said. 'I don't care if Owen has cleared it for human consumption.'

'I'm with Ianto,' Tosh agreed.

'Come on, guys,' Jack said. 'You don't know what you're missing out on. This would be considered a delicacy in certain parts of the galaxy.'

'Certain parts, being the operative phrase,' Ianto replied.

'I'm not suggesting we eat it raw. I'll cook it up. Barbecue, Torchwood style.'

'You?' Gwen said, looking incredulous. 'Cook?'

Jack glared at her. 'I can cook. You think I'd have survived all these years if I couldn't?'

'Only person who could survive poisoning himself.'


	514. Preferably dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A five part drabble

The question had been bugging him for weeks, but he'd never found the right moment to ask. He was trying to impress their latest recruit with his amazing leadership skills, heroism and dashing good looks. It wouldn't do to be seen as completely incompetent.

Finally the chance he'd been waiting for came along one night after the others had gone home, Ianto bringing in one last round of coffee.

'Ianto, can I ask you something?'

'Of course, sir.'

'You remember when we caught Myfanwy?'

'Hard not to, sir.'

'Right. Well, was just wondering how you knew about the thing with chocolate?'

 

Oh. He'd really been hoping Jack might not ask him that. It wasn't really that impressive, and the knowledge had been hard won.

Having tracked the signal to the warehouse, he expected it to be something inanimate. A signal that big surely couldn't be living. Wrong. No sooner had he stepped inside than Myf had him cornered, appearing from nowhere out of the darkness.

It was desperation that made him do it. The chocolate had been in his pocket; a snack to replace the meals he regularly skipped. He threw it, letting it clatter to the floor, distracting his assailant.

 

Ianto froze, half expecting it not to work, but like all good creatures, the art of distraction by food worked a treat. Myf turned at the sound, spying the package glinting in dark, trundling over to inspect it. Ianto breathed a sigh of relief, making his getaway, keeping one eye firmly fixed on the dinosaur pecking at the wrapper, the other on the door just a few yards away. 

Myf began nibbling at the chocolate, making odd noises. Was that purring? As he reached the door, she looked back at him and squawked.

He was going to need more chocolate.

 

He felt utterly stupid, walking into Tescos at ten o'clock at night, purchasing nothing more than three blocks of dark chocolate.

Someone must have thought he was bingeing after a bad breakup. No one would believe him if he said he had a prehistoric pest problem. There were probably better things to tempt a dinosaur, but you went with what you knew.

He unwrapped one block in the car and scoffed a few pieces, letting the bitter flavour melt on his tongue. He really was staving, and he still had to find Jack. Why couldn't anything ever just be simple?

 

'So you actually had no idea dinosaurs liked chocolate?' Jack asked, leaning back in his chair, amused by Ianto's tale.

'Not exactly,' he confessed. 'I was more concerned dinosaurs might like humans.' Wouldn't it have been terribly ironic if he'd died trying to get into Torchwood, when he should have died trying to get out of Torchwood.

Jack chuckled. 'You could've warned me. Here I was thinking you were some kind of pterodactyl whisperer.' He still wasn't certain Ianto wasn't. He and Myf had struck up quite the friendship.

'Just goes to show chocolate can solve a lot of problems.'


	515. Hidden weakness

He didn't want to admit it, because he was their leader, and leaders didn't have weaknesses.

As he walked past the row of desks, watching his team sitting there each sipping at their mugs, he could smell it and it set his senses alight.

'Can I organise you a coffee, sir?'

'No time, Ianto,' he replied. 'Gotta head out.' He had time, but he needed to prove he wasn't addicted. It was just coffee.

Sitting in the car now, pulling off the plastic lid, he took one sip before rolling down the window and pouring the rest on the ground.


	516. Loving what you do

Jack constantly complained that he was late, Suzy said he was lazy, and Tosh, well, he didn't give a fig what Tosh thought.

All of them seemed to think that this was all a bit of a lark to him, and that he didn't know the meaning of hard graft. He knew it better than any of them.

They might have thought he treated this as just another job, but deep down, he loved the excitement, the aliens and the craziness that was Torchwood. The rush he got from it was addictive, and he wouldn't give it up for anything.


	517. Utterly addicted

Jack's weight collapsed on top of Ianto in the narrow supplies closet. How they fitted in here without tripping over mops and containers of cleaning solvents was anyone's guess.

'Jack?'

'Mmm?'

'Do you ever wonder if maybe you're a sex addict?'

'Nope,' came the reply, as he dug his teeth into the back of Ianto's neck, not done with him yet. 'Why?'

'I'm concerned about the amout of time we spend in these, er, situations.'

'Did you ever consider that maybe it's you I'm addicted to and not the sex?'

'Oh,' Ianto said, feeling Jack fondle him. 'Carry on, then.'


	518. Bad habits

Jack watched his teammate as he sat cross-legged at the top of the walkway, just yards away from their prehistoric pet. He broke off a stick of chocolate from the block in his hand, breaking off one small square and popping it into his mouth before tossing the rest at Myf, who caught it deftly in her beak. He kept going until the entire block was gone.

'You're not worried she's going to get addicted, are you?' Jack asked. 'Pretty sure they didn't have chocolate back where she's from.'

Ianto sucked the melted chocolate from his fingers. 'Probably too late.'


	519. Last man standing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Jack surveyed the scene around him. Calling it anything less than carnage would have been an understatement.

Down on the level below him, he could hear the skirmish down there was over as well, silence hanging in the air after the cacophony of chaos from earlier. The squeal of laser weapons and explosion of gunfire had drowned out everything else, and then there was nothing.

The sound of footsteps rushing up the stairs caught his attention. He spun around, gun in hand, ready to take out any survivors. Owen threw his hands up in surrender, and Jack lowered his gun.

'You guys okay?' Jack asked, worried about his team first and foremost. Their alien invaders had proved both numerous and deadly.

'Everyone's fine,' Owen replied. 'Whoa,' he added, seeing the room full of dead bodies, Jack standing there right amongst them, unscathed. 'Last man standing?'

'Not exactly,' Jack confessed. 'They took me out as soon as I arrived. Not my finest moment. Guess they just weren't expecting me to come back. Caught them by surprise.'

'How'd you take out fourteen aliens with only six bullets?'

'I know how to make them last,' Jack replied. 'I also stole one of their laser guns.'


	520. Resisting temptation II

Jack reached out towards the plate and his hand was quickly smacked away, smarting from the lightning fast reaction.

'That's not yours,' Ianto replied, not even looking up from his laptop screen.

'But you haven't touched it all afternoon,' Jack whined.

'I like to save the best for last.'

Jack groaned quietly. The sandwiches were long gone, as was the fruit, and the thermos of coffee. The single chocolate hobnob had mocked him all afternoon.

'I don't mind this working out in the field business, but if you don't eat that soon, my willpower isn't going to last much longer.'


	521. Slow and steady

Jack was completely out of breath as he ran up to the desk, doubled over from the effort and throwing down the flag on the desk.

'How'd I do?' he asked.

Ianto clicked the stopwatch, surveying the time. 'Two hours, forty-nine minutes, and ten seconds.'

'That's gotta be some kind of record,' Jack said, grinning. Ianto's team scavenger hunt had proved more challenging than expected.

'Actually, you came last. The others finished half an hour ago.'

'What? How's that possible?'

'Well, had you not tried to cheat and simply followed the clues, you'd have found the flags a lot quicker.'


	522. A big favour

Her phone vibrated against the desk. It was quite early for someone to be calling, even though she was already at work. Seeing the caller ID, she groaned inwardly.

'Owen? What's is it?'

'Keep your voice down,' he slurred, sounding sleepy and hungover. 'Jack there?'

'He's in his office,' she said keeping her voice low.

'Good. Need you to go down to St Helen's and check out a body.'

'What?'

'S'just routine. Boss wants it autopsied asap. My head's banging and I can't stand.'

Bloody hell, she thought. 'Fine, but this is the absolute last time I cover for you.'


	523. Taking chances

'This is a bad idea,' Ianto said, standing at the top of the stairs to the autopsy bay, looking down at Jack.

'Don't be silly. Now get your very sexy butt down here.'

'What if Owen finds out?'

'And how is Owen ever gonna know? You think he's going to check the CCTV in the morning?'

'Stranger things have happened.' In truth, he knew the chances of being discovered by Owen were negligible. Tosh on the other hand...

'Come on, don't tell me you've never thought about us tangled together on the autopsy table.'

'Only as corpses, waiting to be dissected.'


	524. A worrying thought

'Bollocks,' he muttered again under his breath, checking the drawer of his filing cabinet for the third time. It had to be here. It just had to.

His diary was missing. It was only because of Jack that he had to bother with hiding it at all.

Now though, he had no idea where it was. He'd scoured the whole hub, top to bottom, checking all the usual places and some less so, just in case, but it was nowhere to be found.

There was no way Jack had found it. Just the idea of it filled him with dread.


	525. A series of unfortunate events

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'I have to admit, this was actually one of your better ideas,' Ianto said, leaning back against the tree.

'Had to happen eventually,' Owen agreed, lying in the grass, pulling his sunglasses down.

'Hey, I have lots of good ideas,' Jack replied.

'And yet the bad ones still outweigh the good two to one.'

'When have any of my team bonding ideas been bad?'

'Let's see. There was the petting zoo when your pheromones sent all the animals into a frenzy...'

'I had no way of knowing that would happen.'

'Then there was the scuba dive out in the Bristol Channel,' Owen added.

'That giant squid just happened to be a little too friendly.'

'We were sure that ten pin bowling was safe.'

'Hey, those ghosts had been possessing the balls for weeks. Nothing to do with me.'

'Oh, and remember the time we went ice-skating?' Ianto said.

'What ice? Some idiot left a de-atomiser in his pocket and turning it into the world's coldest swimming pool,' Owen replied.

'Okay, so maybe that one was partly my fault. But I promise nothing will go wrong today.'

Then a scream erupted nearby.

'So much for a quiet afternoon in the park.'


	526. Plan B

He watched as Jack took the young man up against the wall in the alley, oblivious to onlookers; hands and lips struggling together, finally finding what they were after. Ianto felt slightly sick watching it, and dismissed the idea immediately. No, he wasn't going to try and get into Torchwood that way. Sleeping with their captain was a terrible idea. He'd have to employ other methods to garner his interest.

He went back to the car and opened his laptop, reviewing Torchwood Three's personnel files. He had to find a gap in their existing skill set that he could exploit.


	527. Showered with love

'So what did you do for Valentine's Day?' Tosh asked Gwen.

'Well, I went home, Rhys made dinner, and dessert, we watched a movie and then we spent the rest of the night...'

They both giggled.

'You?'

'Owen bought flowers. Then he took us out for dinner, and we walked along the bay, before going back to his.'

'Aw, sounds lovely. What about you, Ianto?'

'Most boyfriends shower their lovers with gifts. Jack brought me a new weevil and a ton of paperwork to go with.'

They didn't have to know what Jack gave him after they caught the weevil.


	528. The bare essentials

Ianto trudged through the front door, tired, grumpy and feeling filthy. All night spent chasing rogue weevils through the sewers of Cardiff and he didn't even have anything to show for it, apart from the smell.

He padded up the stairs and stripped off his disgusting clothes, not bothering to wait for Jack. All Ianto wanted right now was a steaming hot shower and lots of sweet smelling soap.

He stepped into the bathroom, twisting the tap handle, only nothing happened.

'No!' he yelled out

'What? What is it?' Jack said, rushing up the stairs.

'The bloody pipes are frozen!'


	529. Breaking tradition

Jack snuggled against Ianto in bed, wrapping his arms around him, admiring the large bump, soft and warm. There were still days he could hardly believe they would soon be parents.

'I was thinking we should have a baby shower for you,' Jack said.

Ianto chuckled at the idea. Who would they invite? Only a handful of people even knew.

'Any excuse for a party, is it Jack?'

'Why not?'

'Husbands don't attend baby showers... traditionally,' Ianto replied

Jack lifted his top, kissing the tender skin. 'Husbands don't usually father children either... traditionally.' 

'A first time for everything, I guess.'


	530. Inclement weather

Gwen bustled inside the tourist office and shook her umbrella, before sticking it in the bucket by the door.

'It's coming down cats and dogs out there. Did they forecast showers?'

'Supposed to be mild with sunny spells,' Ianto replied

They stood at the door and watched it come down.

'What's happening?' Jack asked.

'Rain. Again,' Ianto replied.

'Thought it was supposed to be sunny today?' He poked his head out the door, sticking his tongue out, catching a few drops.

'Oh. That's not rainwater.'

'What is it, then?'

'Probably best you don't know. Make sure you take a brolly.'


	531. Old tunes

‘What have you got there?’ Gwen said, peering over at the dusty box Ianto dumped onto his desk.

‘I found these down in the archives when I was cleaning up,’ he replied, showing her the bundle of old records. ‘I thought Jack might like them.’

Gwen pawed through them, blowing the dust off the old paper sleeves.

‘I’ve never even heard of most of these.’

‘Me either,’ Ianto replied. ‘I tried googling some of them but the records for the 1920’s aren’t that great, pardon the pun.’

‘I’m sure Jack will know them.’

‘Yeah, probably slept with half of them.’


	532. Broody

‘You’re absolutely sure?’ Jack asked Owen.

‘As sure as I can be for something that hasn’t existed for sixty five million years,’ he replied. ‘Hormone levels are completely out of kilter, but apart from that she seems perfectly healthy.’

‘Well, that’s a relief,’ Jack said, watching as Ianto reassuringly patted Myfanwy’s neck. ‘I was worried we were about to have a little bundle of joy arriving. She’s been so broody lately and rearranging her nest.’

‘Thought maybe she was seeing someone on the sly?’ Owen asked.

‘Better safe than sorry. Guess Ianto is the only guy for her, after all.’


	533. Pointless exercise

‘You need to stack them like this,’ Ianto instructed him, and then lay them down over the string and tie them together.

‘It seems like a lot of effort for something that’s technically rubbish,’ Jack said, as Ianto hauled the tree branches onto the nature strip.

‘Perhaps, but the council specifies that garden waste has to be bundled up like this for collection. It makes it easier for the council workers to dump them in the truck. Imagine if you had to pick up each branch separately? It’d take ages.’

Jack frowned. Wasn’t that what they were doing right now?


	534. Cheaper by the dozen

‘It’s cheaper if we buy these ones,’ Jack said, pointing at the items on the shelf. Ianto came up to inspect them.

‘Yes, but we don’t need half of the things they’ve bundled up with it.’

Jack did the math in his head. ‘But it’s still cheaper. The other things are just a bonus.’

‘That’s how they con you. It’s up selling. We don’t need those extra things, so why should we pay for them? Let’s just buy what we came here for, and go.’

‘Oh, come on, Ianto. Don’t tell me another pair of fluffy handcuffs wouldn’t go astray!’


	535. Soothing tunes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Jack and Owen watched as the vicious beast thrashed and raged inside its cell.

'You sure that door's gonna hold?' Owen asked.

'Sure hope so,' Jack replied. 'Thought you drugged it?'

'I did, but that bloody thing wore off a lot quicker than expected.'

'Can't you give it more?' Jack asked.

'You wanna go in there and try to stick it with a needle, be my guest. Me, I value my appendages.'

They stood there and watched on for a while longer, growing nervous as the thick perspex rattled against its pounding fists and claws. 

Ianto's footsteps came up behind them. He was carrying what looked like a CD player.

'What's that for?' Owen asked.

'Well, they say music soothes the savage beast. Worth a try, isn't it?' He pressed play and Owen cringed.

'Welsh choir music? That's the best you could manage?'

'All I had.'

The beast seemed to take notice, ceasing its thrashing and curling up in the back corner, quietly purring as it huddled there placidly.

'Well, what do you know?' Jack laughed.

'Can't believe that worked,' Owen said, stunned at the change in demeanor.

'It's those Welsh vowels,' Jack said. 'They work on me every time.'


	536. Sore

Ianto felt awful. He was covered head to toe in stinging cuts and aching bruises.

'Ianto,' Jack's voice called out.

'Go away,' he said. All he wanted right now was to curl up in bed and feel sorry for himself.

'Can't,' Jack replied. 'Owen gave me cream for your cuts. Doctor's orders.'

Ianto begrudgingly let Jack unbutton his top. Jack placed a gentle kiss on the first cut, before rubbing in the cream with his thumb in soothing circles. He repeated the process again and again, tenderly touching each and every one.

Well, maybe this wasn't so bad, Ianto thought.


	537. Best sound in the world

Gwen sipped her wine, letting her mind drift. She never thought she'd find the sound of Rhys' voice so soothing. He sat across the table from her, ranting about all of the trivial injustices of the world. He waved his fork in the air dramatically, the lasagna on his plate forgotten.

Yes, this was why she did what she did; to protect people so they could come home at night, with traffic congestion the worst of life's problems.

The fork clattered loudly onto Rhys' plate.

'Are you even listening to me, Gwennie?'

She leaned across and kissed him. 'Every word.'


	538. Special medicine

Tosh forced herself to sit upright in bed. She didn't want to, but it was easier than having an argument with the man who'd just caused the edge to dip slightly. That was the downside of your boyfriend being a doctor.

She spied the bowl in his hand. 'Is that medically prescribed?' she asked, the words barely coming out as a rasp, her throat full of razors.

'Yep. Chicken soup. Life's cure for everything.'

The first swallow burned, but the next was better, and the one after that, soothing the dry ache. She almost felt human again.

'Love you,' she said.


	539. Aches and pains

Jack leaned forward heavily on his desk. He didn't even hear the footsteps, only the feeling of the warm hand on the back of his neck.

'Long day,' Ianto sighed.

'How many deaths?' Jack muttered.

'Four,' Ianto replied softly. 'As best I counted. Things got a bit mad back there for a while.'

'Not getting any easier, is it?' Jack said, lifting his head.

Ianto felt for him, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

'Why don't I run you a nice hot bath?' He couldn't fix Jack's troubles, but he could soothe them for a short while.


	540. Standing by

Owen looked down at his hand tucked in Tosh's own. He hadn't felt anything for days, couldn't feel, and yet somehow there was this tiny feeling of warmth permeating his senses.

He was dead, and yet, here was someone who wasn't afraid of him, who didn't want to walk on eggshells around him anymore. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to have someone here to console him for everything that he'd lost.

Instead, all he could do was see the one thing he'd gained: friends that would stick by him, no matter what he was and what came next.


	541. Confounding

'It's simple,' Jack said.

Simple? Ianto thought. On what planet anywhere in the known universe was this considered simple?

He stared blankly at the TARDIS console in front of him. For something supposedly so very futuristic, it didn't look at all how he imagined it. He expected rows of neat labeled buttons and switches, or perhaps a sleek deck with minimal controls. Instead it was a complete hodgepodge of knobs and levers, and... was that an egg whisk?

'I don't even know how you could fly something like that. Does it at least come with an instruction manual?'

Jack laughed.


	542. In need

Jack flopped back onto the pillow, exhausted in his post-coital haze. He still couldn't believe he'd let himself be convinced to spend the night with Ianto. Not after everything that had happened. All the angry, hateful words and the betrayal. Yet he couldn't deny that some part of him needed it too. Yes, he thought, they were all broken.

The body next to him shuffled. Whether it was to get comfortable or to get closer, Jack couldn't say.

'Does it always hurt this much?' Ianto asked, lying in the dark, trying to sound nonchalant.

Jack knew automatically that he wasn't referring to the sex. Jack had been so careful with him, even though part of him had grown lustful as Ianto assailed his mouth, pressing him up against the wall.

'Yeah,' Jack replied, unsure what else he was supposed to say to console the young man. He'd lost his lover, his raison d'etre. Everything from the past few weeks suddenly made perfect sense. Jack was a poor substitute for what he really needed. He needed love and validation, not five minutes of attention span and a one night stand.

'Goodnight, Jack,' he said, turning over, back to him.

'Goodnight, Ianto.'


	543. Unwanted

Gwen heard the door click shut behind her, feeling wretched. She'd wanted to help so badly, even if it had taken arm twisting from Andy to get her interested in the first place.

Jonah was alive. She'd thought that was all that mattered. It didn't matter what he'd been through or how he looked; any mother would see past all that.

Instead, what kind of consolation had she brought to their doorstep? A mother whose hopes had been utterly crushed, knowing her son was damaged beyond repair, never able to come home. She'd be better off thinking he was dead.


	544. Perks of the job

Kathy Swanson leaned back against the patrol car, watching as team Torchwood effectively hijacked her crime scene, letting her people keep the area clear, but not much more. Although, judging by the look of the large grey blob in the middle of the ring of police tape, and the groaning noises she could hear coming from their doctor, she wasn't too devastated.

'Why do you do it? Torchwood?' she asked Ianto, who was tapping out research on his PDA.

'Oh, you know, highly flexible work hours, decent pay, lots of challenges, and you get to meet new people,' he replied sarcastically.


	545. Getting friendly

'Thank you so much,' Jack said. 'You've been extremely helpful,' he added, grinning lasciviously and giving the young man a flirtatious smile before returning to hover over the rest of them. Owen rolled his eyes and snapped his glove off.

'Is there anything that falls outside your sexual strike zone?'

'I was obtaining valuable information,' Jack replied. 'I find that if you're nice to people they generally tend to be more helpful. You should try it some time.'

'Not if I have to whore myself out to every man and his dog in this stinking city.'

'It's called being flexible.'


	546. Flexibility issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'You're insane,' Jack said, lifting his eyes up from the list. 'Who in their right mind is going to follow this?'

Ianto huffed. 'You left me in charge of the archives. I think I'm entitled to a few basic rules about how we, and when I say we, I mean you lot, access and return items.'

Jack dropped the list on his desk. 'We save the world from aliens and other stuff that comes through the rift. We don't have time for you being totally inflexible about trivial stuff like this.'

'Trivial?' Ianto repeated, his eyebrows raised and arms folded.

Oops, Jack thought. He'd gone and shoved his colossally big boot into his mouth again.

He cringed. 'Did I say trivial? I meant very important.'

Ianto let out a vexed breath, not believing Jack for even a second. It was the inflexible part that had really annoyed him. Jack was the most stubborn person he'd ever met.

'You have rules for everything else. Why should this be any different?'

'It just is, Ianto.'

'Fine,' he said. 'Just don't come crying to me when the one thing you need to save the world is missing because someone didn't return it properly.'


	547. Something new

Ianto studied the picture that had been left on his desk. He flipped it over and read the note on the back, penned in Jack's familiar cursive script which simply read "something to think about trying later".

He looked at the picture again, turned it ninety degrees, then one-eighty. No matter which way he held it, there was no getting over the fact that Jack had lost his mind. It didn't even look comfortable, let alone pleasurable. They'd gotten themselves into plenty of interesting positions, but there was no way Ianto was flexible enough to try and even attempt that!


	548. Dirty work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

If Ianto had been horrified by the state of the SUV exterior, it was nothing compared to the two individuals that stepped out of it. 

'What on earth?' Ianto said, staring aghast at the thick coating of mud covering the vehicle.

'Ianto, we can explain,' Jack implored.

Ianto wasn't sure whether to be mad at Jack, or laugh at the sight of him covered head to toe in mud himself. Even his face was splattered in grey brown muck.

'Explain away, then,' Ianto said, giving Jack the floor, watching Owen sheepishly hiding behind him, also covered in mud, but only up to his waist.

'Well, it's simple really. We got bogged. I was trying to dislodge the back wheel. Only some idiot got a little enthusiastic with the accelerator pedal trying to get us back out.'

'I only did what you told me,' Owen griped.

Jack turned on him. 'Haven't you ever been bogged before? You accelerate slowly! All you didn't was get us even more stuck!'

'Well, excuse me for trying to help! Lucky your bloody driving didn't kill us in the first place!'

'Shut up, both of you!' Ianto yelled. 'Clean this mess up or I'll kill you.'


	549. Making fun

'Over there,' Gwen said, pointing.

The three of them crept forward across the sodden ground. Jack got a look at their latest visitors, establishing whether they might be friend or foe. Once they were close enough, he put his gun away, and the others followed his lead.

'Harmless?' Ianto asked.

'Very,' Jack replied. 'They come from a desert world. Looks like they're making the most of the rain.'

Gwen watched as the critters huddled on the ground in a circle. 'What are they doing?'

The critters looked up at them, grinning and gurgling with joy.

'Making mud pies,' Ianto replied.


	550. Loving being right

Gwen lifted the slice of cucumber off her eye and glanced across at her companion. 'I don't know about you, Tosh, but I could get used to this.'

'Me too,' she agreed, even if it felt a bit strange being covered in mud and then wrapped in cling film. Even just lying there doing nothing felt odd. Being pampered was something she could definitely grow accustomed to.

'If I'm wrong, you can have a whole day off at my expense,' Jack had promised, being so completely sure that he was right.

It probably wasn't fair that they'd already had proof.


	551. Stuck in the middle

Jack stared down at the mess on the floor. He knew he should be used to it by now, but somehow the transition from having a house that stayed neat and tidy all of the time, to a house that was never clean had been harder on him than expected.

Jack sighed and placed his hands on his hips. 'Are you pleased with yourselves?' he asked, looking down at the culprits. He couldn't stay mad at them; their kids were just too adorable.

He sighed again. 'When your Daddy sees the mess you've made, my name is gonna be mud.'


	552. Crossing paths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Ianto was used to trawling the Torchwood One halls, delivering files and reports to all and sundry. After all, that was what low paid clerks were for wasn't it? Most could be pigeon holed, but some required personal delivery. The latest pile caught his eye. No, that must have been a mistake. The cover sheet read Director Hartman. He'd never been to the top floor before.

The front of the file was stamped "In confidence", in bold red ink, but despite that, its contents were made clear by the label on its side. Capt. J. Harkness.

It made him curious. What did the Director want with a file on Torchwood Three's leader? He supposed it didn't matter. Thinking about such things was well above his pay grade.

He dutifully took the lift all the way to the top, admiring the fancy glass walled offices before reaching the last door and knocking.

'Come.'

'Reports for you, Ma'am,' he said, keeping his eyes low. She sighed when she saw the name. He left without a word, eyes still downcast as he bumped into the man coming the other way.

'Sorry, sir,' he apologised to the tall man in a long grey coat.


	553. Low profile

'I'm gonna report you to the highest levels of government!' the man ranted.

'Oh, yeah?' Jack replied. 'Go ahead and bite me,' he said, before thrusting open the door, sliding into the driver's seat, slamming it shut.

'Making friends again?' Suzie mused, unable to wipe the look of amusement off her face.

'We save the lives of these ungrateful people every day, and what do we get in return? Nothing.'

'Can I make a suggestion?' she asked.

'Please.'

'Well, if we didn't have the word Torchwood emblazoned on the roof of the car, people wouldn't know who to report where.'


	554. In the news

Ianto was working away in the tourist office when the desk phone rang.

'Ianto Jones,' he answered.

'Are they still there?' came Jack's question.

Ianto looked up from the pile of reports, towards the door. 'Hang on,' he said, standing and walking across, pulling it open an inch or two, only to be blinded by flashlights.

He picked up the handset again. 'Yup. Still there.'

Jack growled on the other end of the phone. 'Why can't they just leave us alone?'

'That's reporters for you,' Ianto sighed. 'I've told them John Barrowman doesn't work here, but they won't believe me.'


	555. Bold faced lie

'Owen? Where's that report?' Jack demanded. 'I asked for it days ago.'

'Working on it,' Owen muttered.

'Not good enough. I'm sick of hearing your excuses. Next thing you'll be telling me the dinosaur ate it.'

'Well, actually...'

'No. Save it. I want it on my desk before you go home, or you won't be going home.'

Owen stared daggers at Jack's back as he turned away, finding Ianto smirking at him from across the way.

'You could've backed me up and told him it's true,' he grumbled.

'You really think he'd believe Myf ate it?'

Owen growled. 'Stupid bird.'


	556. White line fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Sian stormed past the pair of them. 'I can't believe you, Dad. You're so embarrassing!'

Eleri followed in her wake, big blue and white scarf wrapped around her neck, obscuring most of her displeased expression.

'Well, I thought you were awesome,' Tom said, grinning from ear to ear.

'Car. Now,' Ianto said, pointing emphatically, watching his son trudge off behind the girls. He spun to face Jack, face thunderous. 

'Banned for three matches. Are you happy now? We'll have to get the neighbours to take Sian to football now.' He was still incensed by the fact that he too had been banned, even though he was the one trying to pull Jack aside from the altercation.

'Oh, come on,' Jack complained. 'It was a clear foul.'

'And the ref was about to blow for Sian being offside, anyway.'

'Did you see that kid? She was twice Sian's size. No way she qualifies for under thirteens.'

'You're missing the point. You do not accost the referee, even if you disagree with the decision.'

'And nobody messes with my baby girl.'

'It's a kids football match, not the end of the word. Now get in the car before you upset anyone else.'


	557. IT help desk

'Tosh, my computer just crashed,' Jack yelled from his office, before coming out to complain some more. 

'I know!' she yelled back, already busy with computer issues of her own, watching as screens everywhere flickered angrily, servers whirring and buzzing loudly. 'Something is causing all of the processors to run at three times their normal speed, which is making them overheat and shut down.'

'Are we talking about some kind of virus?'

'More like a fever,' she replied.

'So how do we fix it?' Jack asked.

'I don't know,' she replied. 'Does chicken soup and bed rest work on computers?'


	558. Out of steam

Ianto stared up tiredly at Jack as he pulled the thermometer from his mouth.

'Fever is going down, so that's a relief,' Jack said, before pulling up the bed covers. 'Now, you promise to stay here and rest?'

There was no response, but Jack took that for the affirmative.

'And you won't try and do work from home? I'm taking your laptop with me, by the way.'

Ianto closed his eyes, throat too sore for talking, let alone arguing.

'And you won't get out of bed except to use the bathroom? No? Good. I'll come back with some soup later.'


	559. No cure

Ianto cringed as he leafed through the pile of glossy five by eight prints. He'd found them down in the archives.

'Now that's one handsome devil, right there,' Jack grinned, pulling the photo out of Ianto's hand and holding it up to admire himself, decked out in bell-bottoms and platform shoes, shirt barely button up past his navel.

'Please,' Ianto groaned. 'If I have to look at one more picture of you in that ridiculous seventies get-up, I think I'm going to be sick.'

'Ah,' Jack said, nudging him in the side, 'that's not sick, that's the Saturday night fever.'


	560. Opposites attract

'I think I'm going to be sick,' Owen muttered as he watched Jack and Ianto.

Ianto was quietly giggling at something Jack had whispered in his ear, whilst Jack had his arms wrapped around Ianto's waist. It was meant to be a fun night out for the team, dinner and drinks, but now it was as if the rest of them didn't even exist to the star-crossed lovers.

'Haven't you ever heard the saying that opposites attract?' Gwen asked.

Opposites? This was more like someone had ripped a hole in the space time continuum and spliced together two alternate universes!


	561. Food for thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Ianto nearly retched when Jack brought the brown liquid concoction towards him.

'Dear God, what is that?' he said, holding a hand over his nose.

'The solution to our problem.'

'Which one would that be?' Ianto asked, mentally running through the long list in his head.

'The one to get your newest pet to eat her food.'

'I'm working on it,' Ianto protested. He might have only been here a short time, but he wasn't about to give up on any challenge his new job threw at him. She was just homesick, that was all. She might have disliked Owen, and ignored Suzie and Tosh, but she liked Ianto. That none of his pleading and begging her to eat had worked so far was just a bump in the road. She'd get hungry and come around eventually, he was sure of it.

Jack sighed and looked at him in askance. 'Can you just accept my help? Would that kill you?'

It might, he thought. 'So, what is that?'

'Something I cooked up myself. Try putting it on her food. It should make it seem more attractive.'

'That remains to be seen.'

'Trust me. One man's disgust, is another dinosaurs delicious.'


	562. Unmissable

'Could you at least try to attract a little less attention?' Owen griped.

'Hey, I'm not exactly showboating here, you know,' Jack complained. 'You try carting a dead body across a crime scene and see if people don't take notice.'

'Except they're not looking at the body, they're looking at you.'

'Well, I'm way more attractive than this guy. Wouldn't you check me out if you saw me?'

'I would,' Ianto agreed, holding the feet end of the long blue body bag, 'but then again, I'd usually expect you to be wearing more clothes.'

'That device disintegrated them, I swear!'


	563. Attractive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Ianto shook his arm again, then screamed in frustration.

'Argh! That's it, I've had enough of this!'

Owen stifled a laugh, whilst Tosh tried to do the same and failed.

'You have to admit,' Owen said, 'it is pretty funny.'

'No, it's not,' Ianto insisted. 'If Jack just did what I tell him for once, I wouldn't have been zapped in the first place.'

'Didn't exactly kill you, though, did it?'

Kill, no, Ianto thought, but the way it had scrambled his internal electrical field now meant that every piece of paper within three feet would cling to his body. He was charged up like a battery with no way of releasing the charge. Jack assured him it would just wear off in a day or so. In the meantime, he was just going to have to live with the consequences.

'I always knew the paperwork around this place would be the death of me,' he said, tugging off another piece of paper, trying to throw it in the bin, only to have it stick to his hand.

'You just have such a magnetic personality,' Owen joked.

'Just wait until I attract one of your scalpels. Then you'll be sorry.'


	564. Contraband

Jack leaned back in his chair, trying to keep his expression in check as the pair of them returned the items they'd borrowed from the hub, leaving them on his desk for him to see. Alien pheromone spray, multi language scanner, personal shield device, and a transmodulator chip. How could his team have been so irresponsible as to take home items? Especially when he'd strictly forbidden it.

After they'd left, Ianto knocked, bringing in coffee.

'Tell me, Ianto. Are you harboring anything alien at home you shouldn't be? Everyone else around here is, so thought I should check.'

'No, sir.'


	565. Skiving off

Jack reached over Ianto to turn off the alarm clock.

'Don't do that,' Ianto mumbled. 'We'll oversleep.'

'That's the plan,' Jack replied. 'I figure we're due for a day off. Just you, me and our very nice bed. I'll text Owen and tell him we've come down with Pollovian flu. Very contagious. He shouldn't come round for say, oh, three days?'

Ianto shuffled closer. 'That would be very naughty and irresponsible of us.'

'I know,' Jack said, already holding his phone. He finished the message and turned over to snuggle. Ianto was already fast asleep.

Irresponsible is very, very contagious.


	566. Birds of a feather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'Is he gone?' came the quiet voice from behind him. Jack quickly wiped away the stray tear that had slipped down his cheek unchecked, before turning to face Ianto.

How did he do that? Slip on a fresh suit and look like all the world's cares had disappeared behind its folds? Somewhere hidden beneath those layers of cotton and wool was a whole lot of hurt, mourning the friends that yesterday had been standing right here.

'He's gone,' Jack said.

Now didn't seem the time for getting into a personal thing, but Ianto didn't want to think about the past twenty four hours. If he did, he might collapse in a heap and never get back up. It was easier to fixate on something else.

'Why?' Ianto asked.

'Why what?'

'Why did you trust him?'

Jack sighed, thrusting his hands in his pockets. 'John and I... it's complicated.'

'You were in love with him.' The way Ianto said it made Jack's heart want to break open.

'I'm not who I used to be. I was young and wreckless, a vigilante, on the run from everyone and everything. John was the one person irresponsible enough to understand me and not care.'


	567. Good owners

'Ianto, what the hell are you doing?' Jack cried, thrusting open the car door and grabbing the leash, pulling out the dog.

Ianto spun around. 'Sodding hell, Jack! It took me twenty minutes to haul that wretched dog into the car!'

'You promised you wouldn't take him back to the pound!' Jack said, cuddling the black labrador close.

'I wasn't! I was taking him to get checked over at the vet's, microchipped and booked into puppy school obedience classes. Since I agreed to let you keep him, I didn't want us being irresponsible pet owners.'

'Oh, well that's okay, then.'


	568. Unlikely motives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'Whatcha doing?' Jack asked, seeing Ianto wipe his brow as he stood there surrounded by boxes of God only knew what.

'Tidying up, what does it look like?' he huffed. 'Only at the rate you people dump stuff down here, I'll be old and grey before I even clear away enough of it to free myself from being blocked in by it all!'

'Here, let me help then,' Jack said, picking up a box and moving it to one side, without any clue what he should do with it.

'Why?'

'Why what?'

'Why have you decided to help?'

'Why not?'

'Because I'm never sure of your motives when you suddenly offer to do something you'd usually avoid like the plague.'

'Well, maybe I just want to help out because I love you.'

Ianto nearly dropped the box he was clutching. Jack almost never used the L word, giving it a wide berth. Probably just a slip of the tongue. Or maybe he should take it as a sign that something was wrong.

'Okay, who are you and what have you done to Jack?'

Jack laughed. 'It's me, Ianto. No hidden agenda other than wanting to spend more time with you.'


	569. The blame game

Owen slouched in his chair, sipping coffee as he checked the overnight rift readings.

'I can't believe you!' Jack said, storming toward his desk.

'What?'

'You know what,' Jack said, expression angry.

'Actually, I don't,' he replied, getting annoyed.

'There were four chocolate biscuits in the jar last night and now there's none.'

'Wasn't me.'

'Well, you're the only one around here with means, motive and opportunity, so you might as well fess up.'

'Actually,' Ianto piped up, 'that was me. I rushed so much this morning I didn't have time for breakfast. There's a fresh packet in the cupboard.'


	570. Unnatural selection

Yvonne closed the file, steepling her fingers as she considered the consequences.

This was bad. No one in their right mind should have let this appointment go through. It shouldn't have mattered that he was the sole surviving member of Torchwood Three. They should have selected someone else. Someone from London, in her considered opinion.

Alex Hopkins had towed the company line, more or less, but after reading the full file on this Captain Jack Harkness, she couldn't be sure what his motives were. All she knew was that she was going to have her hands full with this one.


	571. Relationship of convenience

Owen decided that sometimes he preferred working with weevils over working with people. Dealing with Janet was much easier than dealing with his coworker most days, nice as they were. 

He didn't have to second guess her motives. If she was pissed off at him, she'd sit in the corner and ignore him. If she was really pissed off, she'd get up in his face and growl at him through the door. When she was lonely, she'd talk to him, and when she wanted to be alone, that was obvious too.

Weevils were uncomplicated, and that suited Owen just fine.


	572. First impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Jack took hold of the mug thrust in his face, eyeing it with suspicion. It could be drugged, but he didn't think so. Ianto Jones didn't seem the type, - not from what he'd read in his file - and even if it was, it wasn't as if it'd kill him. Not permanently.

He only caught the faintest whiff, before sipping, as the breezy morning air stole the aroma away. It was his tongue that was assaulted by the taste. His whole mouth was having a party. Wow, that was... well, not like any coffee he'd ever had.

He wanted more but pushed it back, keeping his expression neutral. This kid clearly knew how good the coffee was. Jack didn't want to give him the satisfaction. It didn't matter how good the coffee was, how attractive the young man was - those tight fitting street clothes were delicious - nor his tenacity - perhaps bravery - in throwing himself at a weevil and then turning up the next morning as if nothing had happened. Jack wasn't hiring, and that was the end of it. Especially not anyone from Torchwood One.

'Same time tomorrow, then?' Ianto asked, sounding hopeful.

Only if you bring more coffee, Jack thought.


	573. Stuck fast

'Bollocks,' Owen muttered, pulling his arm again only to have the sticky substance stretch with it, before snapping back down once it had reached maximum tension. Now his face was also plastered to the goo covering the alien corpse.

'A little help here?' he yelled, hoping Tosh could hear him.

Tosh raced down the stairs, finding him stuck fast.

'What happened?'

'I got stuck.'

'Why didn't you say something earlier?' she complained.

'You were busy.'

'What? Haven't you got a tongue in your head? You use it often enough the rest of the time.'

'Just shut up and help me!'


	574. Lost for words

Jack sauntered through the door, returning late from London. He certainly didn't expect Ianto to still be here.

'Torchwood doesn't pay overtime, y'know,' Jack called out, tugging loose the bow tie that had been strangling him all night. 'Whatcha doing?'

'Just finishing up.' Ianto turned, coming to a dead halt. Jack was barely recognisable in his full tuxedo. He looked stunning.

Jack shrugged, seeing Ianto's expression. 'Invitation from Her Majesty. Never did like these formal occasions.'

Ianto stood there agape. Jack smiled, wanting to reach out and close his mouth for him.

'What? Cat got your tongue?'

'Uh, goo-goodnight, sir.'


	575. Morning kisses

Ianto slowly woke, feeling Jack's warmth pressed against him. He smiled inwardly, remembering it was Sunday and that he could happily go back to sleep for few more hours.

He snuggled closer, wrapping an arm around the warm body next to him. Then Jack licked his face.

Ianto's eyes shot open. Instead of Jack next to him on the pillow, he came face to face with a furry black head, brown eyes and a big pink tongue, ready for another swipe at his face.

'Argh! Jack, what have I told you about letting Buddy sleep in the bed with us?'


	576. Taken down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'Did ya miss me?' John asked, grinning at the five of them. The fist came out of nowhere sending him sprawling to the concrete. All around his vision were little pricks of light, dancing. Not quite down for the count, but close, he thought.

Looking up, he scowled. 'What was that for?'

'Didn't I warn you that if I ever saw you again I'd kill you?'

John groaned. 'Jack, call your dog off, will you?'

'You were warned,' Jack smirked, reluctantly helping him to his feet.

'Usually I only get that kind of reception from someone I've shagged, or someone I'm about to shag. Ooh, are we about to shag Eye Candy? I've always wanted to know what Jack finds so appealing about you. Maybe he can join us, what do you say?'

Ianto made to lunge at John, only to be held back by Jack in a double handed grip, pinning both his arms at his sides.

'Is he that feisty between the sheets, Jack?'

The second fist that hit him was even harder than the first. As he lay there, tumbling down into unconsciousness he heard his assailant's parting words.

'Nobody fucks with Teaboy but me,' said Owen.


	577. The right spot

Ianto winced and squirmed beneath Jack's fingers.

'There?' Jack asked, touching him.

'No.'

Jack let his fingers drift lower. 'What about there?'

'No, keep going.' He squirmed and wriggled again, trying desperately to find relief from Jack's touches. 'Down further,' he instructed.

Jack complied, moving his fingers further down. Ianto looked in all sorts if his face was anything to go by. Finally Ianto cried out. 'Yes! Stop there! Oh, God!' Jack let his fingers do the rest.

Ianto leaned heavily against him. 'Thank you. Why is the itch on your back always in the one spot you can't reach?'


	578. In training

'Get down!' Jack yelled, pulling the Ianto down to the floor with him. He could feel the rush of air sweep over them, knowing they'd been just inches from being taken out altogether.

'You okay?' Jack said, pulling them both unsteadily to their feet. 'Are you hurt?'

'Only my pride,' came the reply.

Overhead, their assailant squawked and swept around in a large circle.

'Who said it would be a piece of cake to train a dinosaur?' Jack asked.

'You did, sir.'

Jack nodded. 'Good. Just thought I'd check,' he said, pulling them down again as Myfanwy dive bombed them.


	579. It's complicated

'What's got you looking so down, Tosh?' Ianto said, spotting his best friend's despondent expression.

'Just bemoaning my Facebook status.'

'You have a Facebook page?'

'No. But it's all the same thing isn't it? Single, in a relationship...'

'It's complicated?'

She laughed. 'Yeah, that too. I wish I had what you and Jack have.'

Ianto chuckled. 'Now that is complicated!'

'Still better than nothing.'

Ianto caught a glimpse of Owen wandering around up in the hot house. 'I'd try aiming for something simpler,' he said, nodding his head suggestively in Owen's direction.

Tosh sighed. 'Owen is more complicated than anything.'


	580. Worth the effort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Ianto wiped the sweat from his brow, staring at Jack who was grinning, but not even out of puff yet. He must have been at least ten years Ianto's senior, but showed no signs of weariness. The two mile circuit of the hubs lower halls was as decent a run as he'd had.

'Ready for some hand to hand training?' Jack asked.

He always did that. Made Ianto run like the clappers, then expected him to have enough energy left for more.

'Do I get a choice?'

Jack lunged unexpectedly, and Ianto only just dodged out of the way.

'I'll take that as a no.'

Jack and went in for another go and found himself grappling air, turning to find Ianto gone again.

He growled, amused that his quarry had gotten lucky. He feinted left, then right, but Ianto evaded him on both counts.

'You've been practising,' Jack said.

'I got tired of you landing me on my arse.'

Fun as Jack might have found this, there was only so much physical humiliation Ianto could suffer. He knew Jack was trying to prepare him, but this was a matter of pride.

'I'll stop going easy, then.'

'Bring it on, sir.'


	581. Old fashioned charm

'I'm very sorry for your loss,' Jack said. He went to put a placating hand on the girl's shoulder, but she slapped it away.

'Yeah, piss off alright? It weren't like we was married or anything. Oi, Carl! Fancy you could give us a lift?' she said, yelling at friend number two who just shrugged as she tottered off towards him.

Jack sighed. 'Sometimes I really miss the old days, Ianto. Girls used to faint and swoon at the sight of a dead body. My heroic charm was the only thing that could revive them.'

'Not Welsh girls,' Ianto replied.


	582. Blowing it

'Coffee's on,' Ianto yelled from their kitchen window out to Jack who was in the backyard. When he came inside, he looked red in the face and exhausted. 'Thanks,' he said, reaching out to grab the mug from Ianto, but dropping in a dead faint to the floor instead.

Ianto was hovering over him when he woke up. 'What happened? Are you okay?'

Jack sat up slowly. 'Just a bit lightheaded. Blowing up that bouncy castle is hard work.'

'All you had to do was turn the pump on.'

'It's broken. I was blowing it up by hand.'

'You idiot.'


	583. Reading between the lines

Tosh squinted at the paper in front of her and stared hard, before adding a few more notes to the paper next to it.

'What are you doing, Tosh?' Owen asked.

She jumped at the voice. 'Owen, you startled me.'

'Sorry. Didn't realise you were that deep in concentration.'

'Just these old files from the archives.'

Owen picked up the file. 'It's blank, Tosh. I think Ianto is having you on.'

'It's not blank,' she replied. 'The writing is just so faint after all these years that even the scanner can't read them. I'm having to translate it by hand.'


	584. The long night

Jack struggled as the blanket tried to strangle him and tie him in knots. The more he struggled, the worse it got. A straightjacket would have been less constricting.

The bed beneath him wasn't great either. Why had he never noticed that his body was too long to fit comfortably on the hub's sofa?

He growled, tying to turn over again and find a position that wouldn't leave his neck aching and his feet cold. If he had just kept his mouth shut, Ianto wouldn't have banished him from their bed.

It was going to be a very long night.


	585. Far from home

The bright white light enveloped them before they could do anything about it. The last thing either of them could remember was Jack's vortex manipulator beeping out a warning, and then there'd been nothing.

'Uh, Jack,' Ianto said slowly looking around. 'What just happened? Where's Cardiff?'

Jack looked equally disoriented. 'No idea.'

'We're not, er, dead are we?'

'I don't think this is heaven.' He flipped open his vortex manipulator, running a diagnostic, confirming his suspicions. 'It was the rift.'

'A negative spike? So where are?'

'A long, long way from home, Dorothy.'

'Better start tapping my heels together, then.'


	586. The missing piece

If Jack had felt stunned by the kiss, it was nothing compared to how Ianto was feeling right now. He'd done it. He'd actually leant across and done it.

And it had felt right. After all the months of feeling empty, lonely and confused, it was as if everything in his life had finally fallen into its rightful place.

He'd been longing for something, some sense of validation to prove that it was worth keeping going. He just hadn't expected that the thing he'd been longing for was Jack.

Just for tonight at least, he could have something for himself.


	587. Long road ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Andy groaned as he lay flat on the floor, hardly able to breathe, having just had the air knocked out of his lungs by the tackle.

'Did you play rugby when you were a kid?' he asked, surprised that someone so slight of frame could have landed him on his arse so easily.

'I was more of a football kinda guy,' Ianto replied, offering him a hand to help him up.

Andy sighed. 'I'm never going to get the hang of this. Jack might as well fire me now before I get myself killed. Or someone else.'

Ianto smiled at him. 'You'll get there eventually. It took me a long time to find my feet, too.'

'You're a terrible liar, but thanks for trying to make me feel better.'

'No, seriously. I spent more time on these mats with Jack on top of me than I can count.'

Andy snorted. 'No wonder it comes to you so naturally, now.'

'Yes,' Ianto agreed wryly. 'I can't help but wonder if Jack ever intentionally meant to teach me hand to hand combat, or whether that was just an unintended consequence.'

'Well, just so long as that's all we're training for,' Andy said.


	588. Alien anatomy 101

'And that's definitely a tongue?' Owen asked, poking at it with the end of his scalpel.

'Oh, yeah,' Jack said. 'Why? What did you think it was?' he asked, unable to wipe the salacious grin off his face. 'I thought doctors were meant to be experts on anatomy.'

Owen cleared his throat. 'It's just very long for a tongue, is all.'

Jack sighed wistfully. 'So many things you can do with a tongue that long. Why I remember this one time...'

'Stop!'

Jack sighed again. 'Makes me wish we had tongues that long. The things Ianto and I could do...'


	589. Innocence over

Prison. It wasn’t ideal but he supposed it was better than death.

He didn’t know where Ander was. The last thing he remembered was the missile hitting their scout ship, and the sound of the ship crashing to the ground. He’d never forget that sound for as long as he lived. It sounded like a scream. Perhaps it had been. Maybe it had been his screams.

It had been a stupid idea. Why had he ever convinced Ander it would be an adventure? Captured on an alien world at war and he was on the wrong side of enemy lines.


	590. All in the mind

Jack struggled against the chains that bound him. This wasn't happening. They were supposed to be invisible against The Master. The memory of seeing The Doctor reduced to that... thing, scared him. If The Doctor couldn't stop him...

But no, they still had Martha, and The Doctor had whispered something in her ear. He had a plan, Jack was sure of it. 

For now they could lock Jack up in chains, but they couldn't hold him. The only real prison was the one in his mind. If he kept faith in The Doctor, he'd always have the keys to escape.


	591. Occupational health and safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Ianto groaned as he came to, finding the ground underneath him cold and hard.

He cracked open an eye, catching the familiar sight of perspex dotted with holes. Ah, that's right, he recalled, pushing himself off the floor.

He pressed on the door but it was stuck firm. Bugger. The time delay on the lock had gone off, sealing him inside. He must have been out of it for a while then, he reasoned. The cell door would stay open for twenty minutes with the right code, before shutting itself automatically for security reasons.

He tapped his earpiece, feeling a slight wave of nausea hit him, forcing him to sit back down.

'Jack? You there? I need you to come downstairs and let me out of the cells.'

He listened to the reply on the other end. 'No, this isn't some kinky game of prisoner and guard! Just hurry up.'

As if to make matters worse, it was Owen who appeared, and not Jack.

'Don't say it,' Ianto groaned.

Owen ignored his plea. 'How many times do I have to tell you not to use those cleaning chemicals in a confined space? You're lucky all you did was pass out.'


	592. Throwing away the key

Ianto slouched on the back tray of the SUV, his head pounding and ribs aching. What a bloody mess, he thought, watching in a detached manner as police and paramedics wandered the scene, dragging people away in cuffs.

A hand gripped his shoulder gently from behind. 'Did Owen check you over?'

He didn't reply, eyes fixated on the married couple being forced into the police car. How could they have done this?

'They're going to prison for a long time,' Jack said. 'I'll make sure of it.'

Ianto couldn't help but think prison was too good for people like them.


	593. Off track

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Jack fidgeted as he stared out through his office window. He could see Ianto pottering about, cleaning, tidying, doing whatever it was that filled in his days.

He shouldn't even be here, by rights. The others had gone home hours ago. Only they remained. He didn't want to go out there and tell Ianto to go home. What would he be going home to? An empty house, a lack of purpose? Better he stayed here where Jack could keep an eye on him. Lisa was gone, and Ianto was far from okay.

Jack sighed. How had things ended up in such a mess? They'd been doing so well. He loved those private little moments they'd shared when everyone else went home. Now he dreaded them. He dreaded that honesty that Ianto reserved for when no one else was listening. At the same time, he loved that Ianto could be honest with him. Or so he'd thought.

How to get their friendship back on track? His growling stomach provided the answer.

'Ianto! It's late and neither of us have eaten. I'm craving dumplings.'

'I'll call them and place an order.'

'No need. It'll be quicker just to go and eat there.'


	594. Don't lose track

'How do you expect me to keep track of everything?' Jack complained.

'It's not that hard,' Ianto replied. 'Football practice on Tuesday, Eleri's piano lessons Wednesday. Thursday is swimming for the girls and football training for Tom, Friday is hockey, Saturday is game day and Sunday is dinner with Rhiannon and the family.'

'I've got a headache already,' Jack moaned. It was just easier to have Ianto remember it all on his behalf.

'If I could have everyone attend this conference in Cardiff, I would. Unless of course you'd rather go?'

Jack groaned. 'Just write it all down for me.'


	595. Vital skills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

The team groaned as they trudged through the countryside after Jack. Only Ianto seemed to be enjoying the walk, being an old hand at this sort of thing.

'Okay, gather round, people,' Jack said. 'This is where the signal originated from.'

Ianto wandered off whilst Jack began lecturing to his relatively uninitiated team.

'You see the key to tracking down aliens is to know what they're after. Not all aliens that come through the rift are highly intelligent, or even sentient. In most cases it's food, water and shelter. Out in rugged terrain like this however, that might not be easy to find. Instead, it's likely to follow the path of least resistance. See here,' he said, pointing. 'This grass is flattened. It's been here. We can follow signs like this to find it.'

'Found it!' Ianto yelled from the ridge.

'Ianto, I was trying to teach the team valuable alien tracking skills. But yes, see here what Ianto did. He took the high ground and used it as a vantage point to better survey the land for clues.'

'Jack, it's just over there and the size of a bloody hippo.'

'Well, there was no way we could've known that.'


	596. Keeping track

'I get a car park?' Gwen asked, trying not to sound too excited.

'Can't have you hauling alien stuff from your boot in the middle of Bute Street, can we?'

'No, I suppose not,' she agreed.

Jack took her downstairs, letting her out into the underground car park. 'When they built the Millennium Centre, we petitioned for plenty of extra parking. Pick any spot. It's never full this far down.'

He waited while she moved her car.

'Thanks, Jack.'

'No problem,' he said, watching her reenter the hub. He tapped his comms. 'Ianto. Registration number CB59RGE.'

'I'll bring the tracker.'


	597. Showering for dummies

Ianto stepped into the shower cell. First shower on their brand new spaceship. In a long list of firsts, this was a pretty trivial one. He looked around for the taps, finding none. Maybe it was motion activated, he moved around. Voice activated? Jack would've mentioned that, wouldn't he? Looking up, he couldn't even see where the water came out?

'Jack? How do I get the water going?'

'Water?' Jack said, chuckling. 'It's sonic. There is no water. That's so twenty-third century.'

'Sorry, your caveman boyfriend wasn't expecting that.'

Jack grinned. 'Lots of things I've got to teach you yet.'


	598. Technical issues

'Why isn't it working?' Jack demanded, picking up the laptop and shaking it violently.

'Put that down!' Owen yelled at him. 'Shaking it is not going to make it work.'

'But,'

'No buts. Down, now. Christ, I sound like Teaboy. Do you see what you've done to me?'

'But it isn't working,' Jack complained.

'So, get Tosh to look at it in the morning. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you're really from the future like you say you are.'

'It's not my fault I'm stuck working with primitive technology.'

'Well, you are stuck, so you'd better get used to it.'


	599. Stuck III

'D'you ever want to go back home?' Ianto asked, his voice almost a whisper.

'I've thought about it,' Jack confessed, preferring honesty.

'I can't imagine what it must be like,' Ianto said. 'We must seem so primitive to you after everything you've seen.'

Jack said nothing, unsure what to say.

'I don't know how you do it,' Ianto said. 'There must be days when it drives you mad; when we drive you mad; when you hate us for being the ones keeping you here.'

'I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Fate brought us together for a reason.'


	600. Cultural exchange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'What is it?' Gwen asked, peering at the view from the CCTV of the creature in the cells.

'Don't know,' Jack replied. 'All I can say is that when Ianto and I picked it up, it came quietly, almost as if it knew why we were there.'

'It looks like a monster,' she said. She didn't envy them the task of capturing it.

'Just because it looks scary doesn't make it primitive or unintelligent. There's plenty of monsters in this world that look safe on the outside, just as there are plenty of fearsome looking creatures that would hurt a fly. This thing didn't attack us. That makes me believe there's a good reason for it. What we need to do is to find a way to communicate with it.'

'You want to communicate with it? How?'

'We try whatever we can. Maybe it can't speak, but it might understand sign language or visual cues, it could be telepathic or maybe uses its sense of smell to tell friend from foe.'

'Sounds like a pretty rudimentary way of solving the problem.'

'It might seem primitive to you, but there's a thousand worlds out there that think we're the primitive ones.'


	601. Double vision

Jack came rushing over to where his lover was lying sprawled on the ground. He hadn't been quick enough to avoid being whacked by the low flying craft before Jack had shot it down. Another failed attempt at invasion, Jack thought. He yelled for Owen to come over and help.

'Ianto? Are you okay?' Jack asked.

Ianto stared blearily up at him. 'Why are there two of you?'

'Concussion,' Owen immediately diagnosed.

'I'm not ready for two of you,' Ianto slurred. 'Haven't house trained the first one yet.'

'That's okay,' Jack said. 'Owen will fix it so there's only one.'


	602. Double date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

'Are you ready to go?' Tosh asked, slinging her handbag over her shoulder.

'Yep,' Ianto said, flipping off his computer. 'The high street won't know what hit it,' he added. Christmas shopping with Tosh was an annual event and something he looked forward to.

As he grabbed his phone to slip it into his pocket, he spotted the notification on the screen.

'Uh, my calendar is telling me I'm double booked, Tosh. I'm so sorry. I don't know how that happened.'

'That's okay,' she said, trying not to sound disappointed. 'You've got a lot on. It's a wonder you're not double booked and triple booked most days.'

'But I just don't understand it. This shouldn't happen,' he said, perplexed.

'I can go shopping without you. It just won't be as much fun.'

'Wait,' he said, checking the details. What was this mysterious other appointment? 'Nope. Not double booked, after all,' he said.

'Really?'

'Yep. Let's go,' he said, grabbing his coat.

'So, what was the other appointment?'

'Oh, just something Jack slipped in there without telling me. Nothing that can't be rescheduled.'

He really had to tell Jack to stop putting things like "sex in the boardroom" in his calendar.


	603. Up close

'Only got one room available,' the clerk informed them. 'Double bed. Is that alright?'

'That's fine,' Jack said, giving her a warm smile. She deserved one, having to be awake when they'd rolled in at two am. Broken down somewhere past Abergavenny didn't give them the right to be fussy.

'A double bed, Jack,' Ianto said. 'What will we do with all that space?' He was accustomed to squeezing on that narrow thing Jack liked to call a bed.

It probably explained why they woke up clinging to each other right on the edge, the rest of the bed untouched.


	604. Licking wounds

The team slumped in chairs in Jack's office, glad the day was over. It had been a tough one all round, each of them sporting various wounds and plenty of bruises. Only Jack was unblemished, but his tired expression matched theirs all the same.

Only Ianto was stood up, pouring amber liquid into a series of cut crystal tumblers and passing them around. He handed the last to Jack, who almost never drank, half expecting him to decline, before pouring one for himself.

'Better make it a double,' Jack said. Ianto didn't even question him, quietly pouring out another finger.


	605. Cash on delivery

Jack pounded on the door, mentally cursing himself. Ianto was going to kill him.

'He's shonky and can't be trusted,' Ianto had warned him.

'I know that, but won't it be worth it just to get rid of him?' That was the plan anyway. When the hyper converter drive had dropped through the rift, they knew of only one person who could make use of it.

'He's getting charged for it,' Jack said. 'We're practically fixing his ship for him.'

He should have known the cheque would bounce, breaking down the door and finding the apartment empty.

Should've demanded cash.


	606. Requisite sleep

Ianto groaned when he felt Jack pushing his shoulder.

'Up and at 'em, Ianto,' Jack said, hovering over him as his eyes forced themselves open. Just seeing how bright-eyed and bushy tailed Jack looked annoyed him.

'No.'

'Come on.'

'It's Saturday.'

'So?'

'So, I'm invoking the right to not get out of bed until sometime in the afternoon.'

Ianto rolled over and pulled the covers up over his ears. Just because there was something in Jack's stupid fifty-first century genetics that made him able to bounce out of bed after three hours sleep, didn't mean the rest of them could.


	607. Child's play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Rhiannon eased back in the fold out chair, sipping the delicious coffee. 'Now I know why it is you're so good with the kids,' she said, not even looking at her brother sat in the chair beside her.

'They're no trouble. Not by comparison,' Ianto replied, sipping his own coffee and enjoying the afternoon sunshine in his sister's backyard. 'Jack requires constant supervision.'

She grinned, watching the look of sheer happiness on Jack's face as he played. 'A shame the kids lost interest already. It's all computer games these days. Not like when we were growing up.'

'It was to be expected,' Ianto replied. 

'Would've been expensive, though. I hope you didn't spend too much.'

Ianto shrugged. 'I know someone who owed me a favour. It came out quite cheap. Besides, I knew that it would get a fair amount of use in any case.'

'So, you bought it for the big kids?'

'Something like that,' he said, watching the large yellow castle in front of them jiggle madly. It took up most of the yard now.

'Ianto! Come on!' Jack yelled, sounding a little out of breath as he bounced up and down. 'You don't know what you're missing!'


	608. Sing!

'I don't do karaoke,' Ianto said, his words a little slurred. How many drinks had Owen set in front of him so far? Three? Or was it four? He couldn't remember.

'Ianto, everybody does karaoke,' Jack promised him, hauling him to his feet.

'Go on, Teaboy,' Owen mumbled. 'Save us from listening to Jack for four minutes solid.'

'I thought you liked my singing?' Jack said.

'I don't sing,' Ianto insisted

'It's just a bit of fun,' Tosh said.

'I don't know the words.'

'You don't have to,' Jack replied. 'All you have to do is follow the bouncing ball.'


	609. Sounding board

'Do you think if I lowered the rate of transference, that would make a difference?' Tosh asked, looking across at Gwen, rifling through a file full of old police profiles.

'I have no idea, Tosh,' she replied.

'Maybe it's the amount of ionized particles trying to be simultaneously suspended,' she said, tapping out alterations to her code.

'I nearly failed year ten science, and half the time I can't get the internet at home to work,' Gwen replied. 'I think you're asking the wrong person.'

'That's okay. Sometimes it's nice just to be able to bounce ideas off someone else.'


	610. Justice served

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double drabble

Jack nearly gagged at the taste of the liquid on his tongue. This was wrong.

'Ianto!' he yelled out.

'Yes, sir?'

'What is this?' he asked, holding the mug, frowning at his newest employee.

'Coffee, sir.'

'No. That's not coffee. Not your coffee. Your coffee is...' He pulled a face, remembering the orgasmic pleasure usually associated with the taste.

'Correct on both counts, sir,' Ianto replied.

'Care to explain further?'

'I came in this morning and found the SUV full of mud from your adventures last night. I've spent all morning cleaning it. The least you could've done last night was give it a basic wiping down before you left to stop the mud for rom seeping further into the upholstery.'

'Sorry,' Jack, apologised, but not sounding particularly sincere. Wasn't that what Ianto was here for? 'But what's that got to do with the state of the coffee?'

'It's decaf. I thought that might be a suitable punishment for the infraction.'

'In... Infraction?'

'Yes, sir.'

'But...' Jack sputtered. He was the boss around here! No one punished him. 'But... Decaf? That's just mean!'

'And leaving the SUV in a complete mess for someone else to have to deal with, wasn't?'


	611. No choice

Owen stared at the scene in front of him, alien lying dead on the ground.

'You shot it,' he said, turning to Jack whose look was fierce. 'What happened to that whole schtick about saving aliens?'

'It's a blowfish, Owen. They're mean and nasty with a bad attitude and a taste for violence. They can't be rehabilitated.'

'So we capture it and send it back home.'

'It'd already broken into three jewelry stores and run down two people in the street who got in its way. You think it wouldn't do the same somewhere else? Killing was the only option.'


	612. At loggerheads

'No.'

'But, Jack,' Ianto pleaded.

'No means no, Ianto. I don't know how I can be any clearer on this.'

Jack's clarity wasn't in question. It was a matter of trying to convince him otherwise.

'She's already put two and two together. The rift takes people. That's a fact. Why can't they all know about Flat Holm?'

'They just can't,' Jack replied, and Ianto could see how much it hurt Jack just to talk about it.

'They could help.'

'Ianto, I know you mean well, but we can't make this better. Gwen needs to move on. Make sure she does.'


	613. Eye of the beholder

'Great,' Owen moaned. 'More junk to have to clean up,' he said, surveying the pile of toys and oddments that had presented themselves at the location where the rift flare had emanated.

Owen started piling them into a box. 'When did the rift decide that Earth is just one big garage sale?'

Tosh began helping him, picking up what looked like the alien equivalent of a teddy bear, hugging it.

'It might be junk to you, but to someone else, these things meant the world. I just hope they came from someone's loft, and weren't stolen from a child's bedroom.'


	614. Going without

'I'm not drinking that,' Ianto declared.

'Yeah, you are,' Jack said.

'No.'

'Ianto, come on. It's the only thing they know how to make around here.'

'That,' he said, pointing sharply at the paper cup in Jack's hand, 'is not coffee. You of all people should know that.'

Jack sighed. How to explain that this was the only waystation between here and where they were headed, at least another day's journey away.

'There won't be anything else to drink until sometime tomorrow.'

'Then I'd rather die of thirst. Since that's no longer a permanent state, I'm willing to risk it.'


	615. Thirst for knowledge

Jack had given Ianto the job of organising their archives because he didn't know what else to do with him, and tidying things seemed to be his forte.

Little did he know that Ianto not only enjoyed the challenge, but that it had given him access to everything there was to know about Torchwood, and more importantly, about Jack.

His thirst for information became an obsession, digging into the oldest sections, searching for anything he could on their mysterious leader.

No one really knew who Jack was, but Ianto intended on finding out, one piece of paper at a time.


	616. Thirsty work

'I don't understand you, Harkness,' Owen said, watching him over his beer as his boss sat there nursing a glass of water. 'A whole bar full of options and you choose water.'

'I like to keep hydrated,' he replied.

'So do I,' Owen said, raising his glass.

Jack smiled at him over the top of his own glass. 'The twenty first century is when everything changes, Owen. You never know when you're next chance to stop and drink might be. You gotta be ready.'

'Exactly,' he said, taking another long draught. 'Saving the world from impending doom is thirsty work.'


	617. Out of respect

The team all sat around the hub in complete silence. They'd been awake for three days straight with barely a wink of sleep in between. What they really needed was coffee, but no one was game to leave the hub and go buy it.

Somewhere downstairs in what counted for their own hospital ward, was lying the one person who knew how to make it. It was out of respect that none of them drank, despite their thirst. Right now they couldn't think about anything else except praying he'd make it through.

No one was touching coffee until that happened.


	618. Some like it strong

Jack claimed to love Ianto's coffee more than anything apart from the man himself. Why then was it that Jack insisted upon ruining it?

Ianto could accept that Jack had a genetic make-up which was singularly unique, and that it probably took a lot to fuel a body that was perpetually regenerating itself. Did it require three espresso shots per cup, four on a bad day? Possibly. Who was he to argue? He took two shots in his own.

No, what he couldn't fathom was why you'd mask the flavour of such perfectly brewed coffee with four teaspoons of sugar.


	619. Strong constitution

Owen had seen some pretty horrific injuries walk through the doors of A and E in all his years as a doctor, but nothing had prepared him for the gruesome nature of the work he'd end up doing at Torchwood.

It wasn't just patching up the team or cutting open aliens. It was the bodily fluids, the blood, exploding body parts and venoms that could melt through metal like acid. Then there was Jack and the many and varied injuries he sustained that would kill anyone else.

You had to have a strong stomach to put up with it all.


	620. Power of the mind

Tosh didn't have Jack's strength, Gwen's stamina, Owen's speed or Ianto's agility. Any one of them could have taken her down in a physical fight with only the barest effort.

She was the smallest, lightest one on the team, but that didn't mean she didn't have her place. Her strength lay in her mind and the kinds of weapons she could fashion with it. She could reprogram almost any computer, machine or other piece of technology and make it sing Nessun Dorma. None of her colleagues could do that.

Proof that you didn't need to be strong to be valuable.


	621. Coming up short

He'd read about weevils from Torchwood One's database, so it wasn't a shock coming face to face up with one per se. Six feet tall on average, razor sharp teeth and claws, predatory in nature.

He was coming at it from behind with a huge stick. Surely he had it covered. If he didnt, well, Jack wasn't going to live long enough to give him a job.

What their database hadn't mentioned was how ridiculously strong weevils were, though he learnt that pretty quickly as it spun to attack him. Killed at his job interview. Not how he'd planned it.


	622. Out of gas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five drabbles, one story

'I don't understand how we could have just broken down in the middle of nowhere,' Ianto complained, leaning back against the SUV, arms folded in annoyance.

'It's pretty simple, Ianto,' Jack bit back, equally frustrated. 'We ran out of fuel.'

'We can't have,' he argued. 'I filled it this morning.'

Jack threw open the door and pointed at the fuel gauge. 'It says empty. I don't know where the confusion is.'

'But. It. Was. Full,' Ianto repeated, emphasizing each word.

'Well, it's not now,' Jack said.

Ianto turned on his heel, walking away. 

'Where are you going?'

'To get fuel.' 

 

Ianto waited for the sound of footsteps to come up behind him but they didn't.

Great. What a time to have a row, stuck miles from anywhere. Still, he supposed he didn't feel like Jack tagging along behind him anyway right now. He was just so mad.

How could Jack be so empty-headed as to not notice the fuel gauge running low? It shouldn't be, but that wasn't the point. If he had noticed, they might have stopped for more at the service station he'd seen eight miles back. Now he'd have to walk all the way there and back.

 

 

Jack watched Ianto storm off down the road. He was mad. It was bloody miles to walk. There had to be a better solution to the problem.

Angry as he was, it didn't take long to discover the source of the problem. The fuel tank was cracked underneath. His occasionally reckless driving, no doubt. Just something else for Ianto to blame him for.

He slumped in the seat, mad at Ianto but wishing he'd chased after him all the same. It felt so lonely and empty without him here. Better that they argue for miles but at least be together.

 

 

After two hours of walking without another car in sight, the service station looked like heaven. Never mind he still had to walk back, lugging a heavy fuel can. He wished Jack had come with him so they could have shared the load.

Worse still was the discovery that the service station hadn't sold fuel for years. They had milk and crisps, but not the one thing he really needed. How could he go back empty-handed?

The proprietor put in a call to a local garage but couldn't get there until tomorrow morning.

Defeated, Ianto began the long trek back.

 

 

It was beginning to rain when the sound of the car door opening startled Jack.

'You're back!'

'Of course I'm back,' Ianto replied. 'You didn't think I'd just leave you here, did you?'

'I had my doubts,' Jack confessed. 'Need a hand with the fuel?'

'Nope. Because there is none.' He told Jack the bad news.

'So, were stuck here all night?'

'Unfortunately.'

'Great,' Jack moped. 'And I'm starving.'

'Well, that I can fix,' Ianto replied, producing a bag with two packets of crisps and a pair of chocolate bars. 'At least we won't be waiting on an empty stomach.'


	623. In a rush

'Ah, ah!' Ianto said, standing in the doorway, blocking Jack's exit from their bedroom.

'What?' Jack said, exasperated.

'We've talked about this. Ad nauseum.'

'Owen said it was an emergency and to hurry.'

'Nothing is that much of an emergency that you can't get dressed first.' He'd managed it just fine, albeit the jeans really needed to go in the wash, and his t-shirt and jumper combination didn't quite match right.

'I'm dressed!' Jack argued.

'Boxers and a t-shirt does not count.'

'And boots!'

Ianto sighed. When he'd established the "No pants, no go" policy, this wasn't what he'd meant.


	624. Itching to get there

'Sit!' Ianto commanded. It was the tenth time he'd asked, but still he couldn't get any joy.

In the back of the car, Buddy barked loudly. He was clearly in some discomfort, but there was nothing Ianto could do until they got him to the vet. What he really wanted was for Ianto to roll down the window and let him stick his head out. It was only another five minutes away though. Watching his passenger squirm, irritated him.

'Sit still! Have you got bloody ants in your pants?'

'I'm sorry,' Jack said, 'but these fleas are driving me nuts!'


	625. Found

There were times when Owen really hated this job.

He didn't love the late night rift alerts, but having to find something in the dark was not nearly as bad as when whatever was in the dark found him.

He stopped, hearing the heaving panting right behind him. Oh, yeah. It was going to be one of those nights.

'Have you found it yet?' Jack's voice came over his comms.

'Yup.'

'Have you caught it? What is it?'

'I have no idea, but let's just say for arguments sake that it's really big and probably about to eat me whole.'


	626. Perfect fit

'These pants are really something,' Jack said, admiring them in the mirror. They seemed to fit perfectly in all the right places, and even the material they were made from was divine.

'What about the jacket?' Ianto asked.

'Oh, it's good too, but I'm loving the pants.'

'They are a very fine cut,' he said, admiring them for himself. There was no point in having such fine assets hidden by poor tailoring.

'Is that the master tailor's son's eye at work?' Jack asked. 'Have you been measuring my stride across the hub floor?'

'I might be,' Ianto replied, acting coy.


	627. Putting it in the diary

'I'm busy, Jack,' Ianto said before Jack could even open his mouth to speak.

'How can you presume that I want something?'

Ianto didn't even look up from the paper in front of him. 'You're down here,' he replied. 'That automatically makes me think you want something. Unless of course you've come to start organising the archives, in which case I may die of shock.'

'Well, no,' Jack admitted, 'but you can't be busy forever.'

'Look around you, Jack. This place will keep me busy for years. If you want time with me, you're going to have to book in advance.'


	628. The librarian

Jack wanted to laugh at his lover as they wandered the busy markets. There were a thousand things to see, dozens of strange new foods to try, clothes and trinkets, special lotions and perfumes, artwork and more, yet Jack knew there was one place more than any Ianto would gravitate towards.

Most were secondhand, their pages yellowed and worn, spines bent a hundred times over, but they were clutched together in his arms like precious gems. He must've had more than a dozen already.

'There's a trillion books in the ship's computers,' Jack said.

'It's not the same,' Ianto replied.


	629. Tall tales

'Did I ever tell you about the time...' Jack began.

'Save it, Harkness,' Owen grumbled, gripping his seat belt tighter as Jack threw the SUV speedily around the long mountainous bend in the road. 'None of us need to hear another one of your inappropriate stories. I've just had lunch. I'd like to keep it there.' As it was, Jack's driving might dislodge it on its own.

'You don't know what you're missing out on, Owen,' Jack replied, unfazed. 'It was a good one.'

'They're all good, according to you.'

Jack sighed, grinning. 'I really need to write that book.'


	630. Not so little black book

'Don't wait up for me!' Jack yelled to the team as he headed for the door, coat flapping behind him. 'Except you,' he said, winking at Ianto. 'You're welcome to start warming my bed for me.'

Ianto flushed the deepest shade of red it was possible to go. He was used to Jack's innuendo, but he usually kept his comments low key in front of everyone else.

As Jack disappeared from view, Suzie leaned over. 'Do yourself a favour and don't get involved with him. He's got a little black book that's not so little. You'll be just another number.'


End file.
